Bad actions in Vegas

[Anonymous]

Married 15 years, 3 children, 2 professional jobs, very happy life with the normal ups and downs. Extremely trusting of each other. No trouble in marriage up until now.
Las Vegas trip with boys. He gets so drunk he follows a suggestion to go to a "massage parlor" that ends in sex with the lady, with a condom.
He comes home, admits to all. Very remorseful and looks like he wants to die. Went to get checked for stds.
What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

[Anonymous]

1) Marriage counseling
2) an alcohol abuse eval
3) He ditches the friends. Any friends who permit or encourage that behavior have no respect for you or marriage

Any of those requests aren't met, he'll do it again.

[Anonymous]

He has to seriously drop these friends. That means that not only does he not see them but he dies not text, email, IM them. He must agree to this without feeling resentful towards you. These friends have no respect for you at all.

He also is guilty. He wasn't pass out drunk and wasn't raped. He wanted to have sex with this woman. He was drunk. Too bad. Do whatever you think you need to do to resolve it. Maybe it's a few sessions of marriage counseling or maybe it's yelling for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

But if you do this, you don't lord it over him for the next 5 years and have it erode your marriage slowly. If you think the end is splitting up, rip off the bandage today.

And, can I say ... ewwwww? I don't think I'd feel cheated on, but I do think I'd have a hard time with losing my respect totally for my partner. I mean, we all make mistakes, but ...... eeeeewwwwww!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

But if you do this, you don't lord it over him for the next 5 years and have it erode your marriage slowly. If you think the end is splitting up, rip off the bandage today.

And, can I say ... ewwwww? I don't think I'd feel cheated on, but I do think I'd have a hard time with losing my respect totally for my partner. I mean, we all make mistakes, but ...... eeeeewwwwww!

I agree with you 100% except that this wasn't a mistake. Going to a massage parlor in Vegas is a purposeful act. I bet his hotel had a spa....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has to seriously drop these friends. That means that not only does he not see them but he dies not text, email, IM them. He must agree to this without feeling resentful towards you. These friends have no respect for you at all.

Agree. He must also cut off any contact with his parents - they are implicated since they raised him. No card, no goodbye, no Christmas, nothing. Just no further contact, ever. Likewise his siblings. And he must do this dutifully and cheerfully.

He must leave his job. No resignation email, no farewell party. Just stand up, and walk out of the building, and never go back.

He must burn all his clothes. All of them. No, he cannot keep his favorite sweater. He has to jauntily pile them onto a pyre.

He has to leave the country. From now on he will live in Djibouti. He must never speak English again. Ever. And he must do so with good grace.

[Anonymous]

OP - I appreciate the comments. It wasn't his friends at all. He got split up from them in the early hrs of the morning and he let a taxi driver talk him into it. He doesn't abuse alcohol regularly. In fact, I think part of the problem is that he doesn't drink much and tried to drink like he did in college that night with his friends. Clearly, he cannot do that anymore. He is taking full responsibility.
And yes,my strongest reaction is just how disgusting. Gross. And he is so undecidedly not gross. Handsome and perfectly kept. It's gross.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pissed for his poor choices but I don't know if this would be enough for me to divorce him if marriage was good up until now. We all screw up. I'd make sure he knows this is never to happen again and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I appreciate the comments. It wasn't his friends at all. He got split up from them in the early hrs of the morning and he let a taxi driver talk him into it. He doesn't abuse alcohol regularly. In fact, I think part of the problem is that he doesn't drink much and tried to drink like he did in college that night with his friends. Clearly, he cannot do that anymore. He is taking full responsibility.
And yes,my strongest reaction is just how disgusting. Gross. And he is so undecidedly not gross. Handsome and perfectly kept. It's gross.

You seem like you can get past your husband's violation. You and your children are well worth the enormous strength this takes. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be pissed for his poor choices but I don't know if this would be enough for me to divorce him if marriage was good up until now. We all screw up. I'd make sure he knows this is never to happen again and move on.

And never speak of it again (unless you do therapy). But that goes both ways.

There should also be some consequence for him beyond the natural consequences. Not sure what that is, exactly.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I hope you can figure this out and do what's best for you OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. My husband cheated on me with an escort so I can imagine how you feel. Except mine didnt admit anything until I had evidence in black and white (found the hotel bill). It's a great sign he came to you and told you.

[Anonymous]

Be really angry/hurt for a while. Then pick some big selfish thing, as big as you can reasonably afford, and do it or buy it: a spa weekend away or a convertible or new kitchen. Then forgive and never speak of this again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. My husband cheated on me with an escort so I can imagine how you feel. Except mine didnt admit anything until I had evidence in black and white (found the hotel bill). It's a great sign he came to you and told you.

+1

Mine cheated on me for years before I discovered it. It's a shitty shitty place you are in right now because of his actions. It's like you've been hit by a truck, you cry randomly, it's a f'in mess. This will be messy. But he had the integrity to come clean - you are lucky in a twisted way. PPs gave good advice. Therapy, don't beat him up with it, treat yourself.

This is a open would right now and will take time to heal but stick with it and you may surprise yourself. Head over to survivinginfidelity.com for a great support system.