Who pays - you or parents?

[Anonymous]

My father-in-law insists on paying. It makes him happy. They visited recently, and we only managed to pick up one check.

With my parents, we usually just split it or take turns picking up the check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH & my folks live a thousand miles away, so visits here are long weekends and usually include a lot of meals out.

My inlaws are much wealthier than we are and both still working (but we are just fine) and refuse to let us treat - we have tried, but even with little outings its like they know "what we're up to" and zip ahead of us with a credit card. When in town, they encourage us to choose the places we never treat ourselves to.

My mom is a widow - my dad died before retirement and she is okay financially but also on a fixed income. We either treat or cook together at home when she comes to visit, except that she always asks to treat us to a thank you dinner somewhere. We try to tell her it's not necessary but she likes doing it and can, so we go with it and enjoy ourselves. When dad was alive they always insisted on treating too, so I would always plan a super-fancy meal at home for them.

On the other hand, when DH's grandfather was still alive he was elderly and in assisted living. If a group of us went out to a restaurant, DH's aunt (who is very well off but also a grownup still considering herself the baby of that branch of the family) would be clear that she expected the grandfather (her dad) to pay. Of course we didn't let that happen and got the check ourselves, but jeez.

Sometimes parents paying for grown children is mooching, sometimes it's not. If parents want to treat and are able to, it's one thing (and a lucky one at that). But your sister expecting them to treat just because they're your parents seems a bit grabby to me (whether or not you can afford it, but especially so if you can).

I don't know what you can do about it that you haven't already tried though, OP - it seems like your sister has decided that it's the way things ought to be and you've had a tough time changing her mind already.

OP here- my sister knows this is how its going to be, yet chooses to bitch about it. There are several "expectations" of my mother that my sister has, which will never happen. I remind her of this every time my mom visits her. I keep reminding her my mom will never change (especially at this age) so it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

If my dad is there, then he picks up the tab. If my mom is there without my dad, she expects me to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



My parents always at least offer to pay, my inlaws never do.

Entitled much? You are an adult. Why should they pay your way?

This is an unnecessarily hostile reaction to what was clearly just a statement of facts. Did pp express resentment about inlaws never offering to pay? I don't think so. How about next time when you write a nasty response, you don't hit "submit?" It might help foster a healthier discussion on these boards. Contributions like the one you posted have no value.

[Anonymous]

Chances are that until we're dead, DH and I will have much more $ than our kids. We expect to pay and don't mind paying. But I hope and expect to have some return (visits, time together, etc) as the kids get to be adults. But from the looks of this thread, I won't set my hopes too high.

[Anonymous]

When we go out my parents pay. My mother in law never pays, even for herself... be it dinner, or a plane flight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



My parents always at least offer to pay, my inlaws never do.

Entitled much? You are an adult. Why should they pay your way?

Actually, after my inlaws and their incontinent dogs have been staying at my house for a week and I've been cooking for them, it would be nice if they would offer to get the check once in a while. Of course then there's the issue of FIL thinking 15% is a very generous tip...

[Anonymous]

my inlaws pay for every time regardless if its both of them, just my mil or just my fil.

my dad always pays if he is there but if my mom is there solo she always makes me pay. if she is with my sister, she will always pay for my sister. i moved to la after college and my mom would come visit me and expect me to pay for her meals or she would pay for herself and we would pay for ours, she never once treated if it was just her.

my dh and i are not currently in a financial position to be treating our parents to dinner. after my husband is out of grad school and we get more settled, i will always offer to treat them for dinners whenever we can.

my sister (although does not have much money) has never and likely will never offer to treat my parents out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

With my parents we alternate. With my inlaws, they always pay. They had very little money when my husband was growing up and now have lots of money, I think they are trying to make up for not being able to give him the things they wanted to when his was younger. We get lots of gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chances are that until we're dead, DH and I will have much more $ than our kids. We expect to pay and don't mind paying. But I hope and expect to have some return (visits, time together, etc) as the kids get to be adults. But from the looks of this thread, I won't set my hopes too high.

my mil always has strings attached to things and money she gives. i would proceed carefully, it builds a lot of resentment if you are always going to expect or believe you are entitled to X because you did Y.

[Anonymous]

My parents almost always pay when we go out.
We almost always pay when we are out with my husband's parents.
In our case, it simply has to do with how well off everyone is. My in-laws are retired and have not done well financially. My husband and I are better off financially than them, so we really don't mind picking up the checks. We wouldn't mind picking up the check when we're with our parents either. But they just seem to enjoy treating us so much.

A few weeks ago, we went to the Jersey shore for the weekend with my parents. On the way home, my husband said he felt bad that my parents paid for almost all of our meals and other things. I reminded him that we booked and paid for the hotel, so it probably evened out. A few days later, my mom mailed me a check for the hotel. I'm very grateful for my parents' generosity, and would never feel entitled to any of this. The way I make myself feel better is to tell myself that if my parents pay for our dinner, that's one more dinner we can treat my in-laws to. I try to pay it forward.

[Anonymous]

Whomever asks the other to go for dinner should pay.

[Anonymous]

My parents always pay 9/10 of the time. They're well off and generous and we are struggling. We are generous in other ways but can not afford to pick up dining checks very often.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws pay for everything. They won't let us pay for anything. They have the money and it makes them happy to pay. With my mother, we usually pay; taking a family of 4 out is beyond her budget and we are fortunate enough that an extra person does not impact ours. Occasionally she asks if she can pick up the tab so of course she does. She feels badly that she can't do more (not that we need it, but her parents were like my in-laws and paid for the children and grandchildren everywhere, so that's what she wishes she could do) but she can't, so when she does ask we assume she has the means and let her. Usually it is a less expensive outing anyway: ice cream, oizza, etc. so we know it's fine.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid until we were in our 30s. They made WAY more than we did. In our 30s it evened out and we usually all went Dutch. Now, in our 40s, my mother is widowed and n a fixed nice. We always pay for her.

I don't think in any of those circumstances was anyone ever resentful. It always made perfect sense to us. I'm grateful for no petty fights or hurt feelings.