Who pays - you or parents?

[Anonymous]

This is an unnecessarily hostile reaction to what was clearly just a statement of facts. Did pp express resentment about inlaws never offering to pay? I don't think so. How about next time when you write a nasty response, you don't hit "submit?" It might help foster a healthier discussion on these boards. Contributions like the one you posted have no value.

Ooh, somebody hit a nerve...perhaps the poster was so far off the entitlement track after all

[Anonymous]

My in-laws always insist on paying, to the point where it gets awkward. It would be fine once in a while, but not all the time. We make significantly more money than them, but they still see DH as a slacker high school kid with no money for some reason..even though he's 35. If we want to pay, we have to intercept the check before it gets to the table.

[Anonymous]

My parents always offer to pay, though if we are staying with them we insist on at least picking up one meal...they accept but never allow more than the one. ILs will look at the bill and tell us what our share is. Awkward...I'd rather just pick it up ourselves then do math at the table like a bunch of broke 20 somethings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Whomever asks the other to go for dinner should pay.

It's whoever here.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws always pay when we eat out with them. We offer, but they insist on paying, even if we invited them out to eat.

My parents are well off, but never offer to pay...drives my husband insane, that they don't even mention it. If we eat out with them, my mother always orders the most expensive thing on the menu, so when they visit or we visit them, I always cook. My parents often talk about some new thing they just purchased - $4,000 refrigerator. But they are consistent in that they also don't purchase birthday cards/presents or Christmas cards/presents for us or our children. We send them cards, no presents.
I don't enjoy eating out with them because they always complain about something during the meal. I don't expect them to pay, but it would nice of them to offer.

[Anonymous]

Hahahaha. my parents do the same PP! They NEVER offer to pay, and get upset when we don't offer to pay for their meals/cabs/etc.

When I lived in New York, they would DEMAND to eat in the fanciest, most expensive dinners. When we made it clear we would not be footing the bill for everything, they downgraded to slightly less expensive places, but still turned up their noses at any place we suggested. At every single meal they ordered appetizers, the most expensive entrees, and desserts, washed down with a bottle of expensive wine. My husband and I aren't big drinkers or eaters, so we would have an entree with water or maybe a beer, no dessert or appetizers. My dad would insist we split the bill evenly, and then stick us with paying for the tip (strangely enough, we were NOT okay with a 6% tip!). They never even offered to pay for any cabs, getting out first and walking away so we were FORCED to pay. Keep in mind we had unlimited subway cards and repeated "let's take the subway! it's faster!" My parents said they were too old for the subway stairs (they aren't), and the subway was full of muggers. Um okay. Finally after a week of footing all the bills, I MADE my dad pay one day, by bolting out of the cab faster than him and employing his patented "walk away and talk on the phone" approach. Well, after 2 trips, a cabbie honked on the horn and demanded more money. Thinking he was being a jerk about his tip, I found out that my dad had been ROUTINELY short-changing cabbies. He said that he was told he could "round down" since part of the fare came with a huge tip. I was super embarrassed and shoved a $5 at he guy, apologizing profusely. Amusingly enough, my dad likes to tell people that I'm the cheap one (because we live within our means in a small apt and don't own a car).

My dad always screams at us to "KEEP THE RECEIPT" when it's his birthday/Christmas because he says we don't have good enough taste for him. They ONLY want designer things, and when we give them a thoughtful gift, we find it in the trash.

Last year I worked for WEEKS on a photo calendar of my baby son. It is their first and only grandchild. When I went to visit my parents in February, I found it, still in the shrink-wrap from Snapfish, in a drawer. My sister's was below theirs. They couldn't care less! My dad insisted that we get him an antique opium pipe from Cambodia. He didn't like it, so it was tossed too. The same with the Vietnamese scarf they requested, the Moroccan rug, the Egyptian pillowcases, the Panamanian molas, etc. The ruby bracelet from India (which I want returned since my dad demanded I buy it for my mom and he would pay me the money - he took credit for the gift until she never wore it, then it became my fault) was put in a drawer and never worn.

I am thinking this year they're getting a card and nothing else. Why bother spending any money on selfish people who just don't care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents always at least offer to pay, my inlaws never do.

Same here, inlaws think we're loaded and never open their wallet even when they surprise us with their 3 week houseguest flights. Meaning we have to feed them, drive them around, entertain them, etc.
Other set of parents pay a majority of the time as we are just starting out with our family, and live in a costy city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents almost always pay when we go out.
We almost always pay when we are out with my husband's parents.
In our case, it simply has to do with how well off everyone is. My in-laws are retired and have not done well financially. My husband and I are better off financially than them, so we really don't mind picking up the checks. We wouldn't mind picking up the check when we're with our parents either. But they just seem to enjoy treating us so much.

A few weeks ago, we went to the Jersey shore for the weekend with my parents. On the way home, my husband said he felt bad that my parents paid for almost all of our meals and other things. I reminded him that we booked and paid for the hotel, so it probably evened out. A few days later, my mom mailed me a check for the hotel. I'm very grateful for my parents' generosity, and would never feel entitled to any of this. The way I make myself feel better is to tell myself that if my parents pay for our dinner, that's one more dinner we can treat my in-laws to. I try to pay it forward.

Having your parents money pay for your inlaws stuff is not truly paying it forward.
Anyhow. We have accounts for each set of parents that we deposit this money into, are saving it for later when they need it, or demand that we pay for their trip. Meals, flights. Hotel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Those saying people who let their parents or in-laws pay are losers have never been out to dinner with my FIL. He even insists on paying for MY parents if we are all together. I think it fits his self-image or something. DH and I have been worn down over the years - there are only so many things you can fight!

FIL had paid for several dinners this year at the beach so one night we planned to treat everybody. He insisted on throwing his card in, too. So it was me, DH, our two kids, my parents and my in-laws. I whispered to the waiter to put 3/4 on my card and 1/4 to my FIL's since he insisted (my dad listened when I said no!). I think it hurt his feelings because he made some long comment the next day about how when he is with his brothers they all throw a card in so he is used to doing that. Oops.

[Anonymous]

My sister is married to self made, very successful businessman. I asked him if there was any downside to being rich. He said that no one has EVER picked up the check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is married to self made, very successful businessman. I asked him if there was any downside to being rich. He said that no one has EVER picked up the check.

That's really crappy. You'd think someone would want to do something nice for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chances are that until we're dead, DH and I will have much more $ than our kids. We expect to pay and don't mind paying. But I hope and expect to have some return (visits, time together, etc) as the kids get to be adults. But from the looks of this thread, I won't set my hopes too high.

Why? Why are you jumping to this conclusion?

The OPs question was basically "who pays?" NOT "who pays, and if your parents pay, how do you repay the kindness, and if you do repay the kindness is it tit for tat?"

[Anonymous]

My parents always pay. My dh and I always offer, and usually come to an agreement that we'll leave the tip, and my parents will pay.

Inlaws always pay. FIL will get into an argument with us if we try to pay (like a scene-causing ruckus).

Our parents have money and can afford it and want to do it. No strings attached. We'd do it differently obviously if they couldn't afford to pay.

[Anonymous]

We pay most of the time - just because my parents and IL's are retired.

Honestly, I gladly pay because of all things they have done for us and all that they give to DC's. It is the least we can do.

[Anonymous]

My parents always snatch the check and pay over our objection. It's sweet, but a little annoying to be honest; I'd like to be able to treat them! Maybe when I hit 40, we'll start being more equitable about it? Ha.

My inlaws aren't so aggressive about it, but they do try to pay and they can't actually afford to treat us that way, especially at fancier places.