Am I awful for wanting some family time?

[Anonymous]

Well, OP I hope you'll heed the opinions here and grin and bear it. Vent away with us but please be loving towards your parents--I think it is pretty wonderful that they visit this way--many people will never get this kind of bond and exposure for their kids. I sure didn't--my mother is 15 minutes away and I had to beg her to come and she held my babies in her arms maybe a total of 3 or 4 times when they were in their first year. She was horrible. Now that they are tweens she can't figure out why we aren't closer with her and why I feel so hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't get why people are jumping all over you. It seems to me you love and appreciate your parents and like spending time with them. That said, you need a bit more time to decompress after having houseguests than others do. Some PPs seem to be projecting their own family dynamic onto you.

Nothing wrong with asking them to leave Sunday. Tell them you need some quiet time to get ready for the week.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was definitely not at the point of saying anything to them. I was just trying to work through my feelings.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why they need to stay all weekend. An hour is not a long drive. Why can't they come just for the day once a month? Or even just stay ONE night? They live close enough to visit multiple times a month in a more spread-out fashion so it's not so overwhelming. There is stuff that needs to get done on weekends, both family time (for the nuclear family) and chores etc. Having the entire weekend taken up would be hard, for me at least.

[Anonymous]

My in laws do something similar. I feel the same way you do. I try to take advantage of their visits to have some "me" time but it can still be annoying sometimes. In the bigger picture though, I'm glad they're so involved in DDs life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why they need to stay all weekend. An hour is not a long drive. Why can't they come just for the day once a month? Or even just stay ONE night? They live close enough to visit multiple times a month in a more spread-out fashion so it's not so overwhelming. There is stuff that needs to get done on weekends, both family time (for the nuclear family) and chores etc. Having the entire weekend taken up would be hard, for me at least.

I was wondering this, too. We drive an hour each way to visit friends who live way out, and we only stay for a few hours! But OP doesn't mention how old her parents are. The older you get, the more tiring it is to be in the car. Or maybe they're on a fixed income and don't want to spend the gas money to make the trip more frequently.

[Anonymous]

Can't you use that time to go do things with your husband without the kids? At least go out to dinner/drinks and then out for an afternoon

[Anonymous]

I understand your feelings but also appreciate that they want to come and see all of you. I do think its ok to shorten the visits....but do so diplomatically. "We have x to do on Friday so can you come saturday morning"! Or "it's a big work week for us so we need to have Sunday be quiet". Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You clearly love your parents and don't consider them regular houseguests. I say go ahead and treat them as family! I don't know how self-sufficient they are, but don't feel the need to host them or entertain them, but work them into your schedule for those few days and try not to let their visit feel like a big interruption. Errands are much easier without kids anyway, and how often do you get free babysitting?

I say this as someone whose MIL, who lives 45 minutes away, is visiting for the weekend, for the second time this month. She's not self-sufficient at all and doesn't lift a finger around here (totally unlike my parents), but it really helped that last night we could leave our son with her to go shoot some pool!

[Anonymous]

My parents live 6 hours away and I have a strict "3 night or get a hotel" policy. Also, we only have 1 bathroom so no guests are allowed on Monday mornings.

If my parents were 1 hour away and could still safely drive in the dark, at night I would have an overnight guests on exception only policy - like after fireworks or other late event and then it would be 1 night only.

When I was single, I travelled M-F, M-Th, or Su-Th every week for 9 years. My parents had a hard time understanding that I literally only had 6-8 days a month to spend with my friends, boyfriend, going to the Dr., running errands, etc.

If they really need long visits, I would ask them to come Thursday and relieve the nanny / do daycare pickup and chill with kids until dinner. On Friday while I was at work I would have the kids in the normal daycare routine and have my parents do some laundry, get groceries, or do some basic food prep for the next 3-4 days.

These are not friends who visit once a year, they are monthly visitors who are coming presumably to help with the kids. Maybe if they came on Thursday, you and DH could even get a once a month date night on Fridays out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you. Just compromise. Tell your parents that you're fine with them coming on Friday, but on Sunday nights you need some time to relax and get ready for the week. I think that's completely reasonable.

Definitely something like this. Heck, if they are only an hour away, it would be fine to ask them to just come down for a day periodically.

For those saying the other three weekends a month are family time, presumably there's another set of grandparents...and other family, friends, events. A whole weekend once a month would be a lot for anyone to visit, even if they are easy, helpful guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is what i thought too. Thanks all for the reality check!

OP here. Just to clariy I thought I was being awful for feeling this way too.

No, OP, you are not at all awful. Having visitors for every spare minute of an entire weekend is a lot even if it's just once a month, and especially if your husband travels for work. I would definitely want just a little bit of privacy, too, and I think arriving Friday and leaving Monday is too much. I think it would not at all be awful to ask them to leave Sunday afternoon, and arriving Saturday morning and leaving Sunday afternoon would also not be unreasonable. I don't know who the people are who think you must be ok with Friday to Monday guests once a month, but I would most definitely not want my parents or inlaws to do this, as much as I love them.

[Anonymous]

I would take the opportunity to go away with my spouse on some of those weekends and leave the grandparents and kids home together.

[Anonymous]

One more thing from the ex-frequent traveller-

Both my family and my DH's have a houseguest and vacation tradition we call "library time". There are no group activities during LT unless couples go off by themselves for a stroll. LT occurs for 2-3 hours before dinner prep starts. People read, nap, shower, relax in quiet - hence "library". This is a godsend with a loud boisterous family and allows me as an introvert to regroup before dinner.

You could use LT as an opportunity for DH to read and snuggle with the kids and have some "alone time" with the immediate family.

[Anonymous]

I understand your feelings but also appreciate that they want to come and see all of you. I do think its ok to shorten the visits....but do so diplomatically. "We have x to do on Friday so can you come saturday morning"! Or "it's a big work week for us so we need to have Sunday be quiet". Good luck!

Definitely this. Set reasonable limits, but I don't think you should frame it as you need more "family time." Just politely explain it as a logistical issue, and hold your ground.