my friend and her daughter always puts down my daugher

[Anonymous]

She's a meant bitch and raising her child the same way! Distance yourself if at all possible from this toxic person.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a big age gap between your daughters. Your daughter should be around girls that are her peers where she can be herself.

Not saying that the girls can't be friends, but sounds like there is too much togetherness. It isn't healthy for the other mother to be comparing the girls who are at different maturity levels. Can you distance yourself more and help your daughter make some new friends?

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Teach your daughter to say to that woman's daughter, "That was mean. I don't play with mean girls." AND THEN TO WALK AWAY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, your writing style is fine. I'm just not sure why it's an insult to think someone (especially among children) is older. Usually, 7 year olds idolize 13 year olds, who seem almost like grown-ups to them! I guess it doesn't really matter, since if you both think it's an insult, then effectively, it is one.

I agree with other posters than this woman seems competitive and is not treating you like a friend. Although it may be difficult because she lives next door, do your best to distance yourself from her and her daughter. Just reinforce positive thoughts to your daughter. You could also try to turn the age thing on her. For example, when friend or her daughter says something about your daughter being 13, you could say, "Well, DD is so smart and graceful, I can see why you forget that she's only 11! One day you'll be 11 and then you'll know so much more and be able to so many more things, too!"

Again, thank you all for spending your time and responding to my concern.

I am not taking it as an insult. but somehow it is bothering.
DD is on quieter side. even if she knows the answer, she will not say it.
if that happens before my friend, she will say, that my daughter belongs to a different generation than her daughters.
This generation is faster. there is a generation gap between the kids.
That is her take.

is 4 years or 4 1/2 years age difference a generation gap?
what bothers me is why is she comparing and competing with a ( am mom of 2 kids and my age group lady) 11 year old.

if she wants to look and feel younger, then why use us as her yard sticks. find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a big age gap between your daughters. Your daughter should be around girls that are her peers where she can be herself.

Not saying that the girls can't be friends, but sounds like there is too much togetherness. It isn't healthy for the other mother to be comparing the girls who are at different maturity levels. Can you distance yourself more and help your daughter make some new friends?

Good luck to you and your daughter.

yes. you are right. my daughter mostly plays with her age group kids.
but me and my friend meet during our kids swim lessons or generally as neighbors or during evening walks.
These are the times when this stuff happens. How ever rare these meetings are, my friend brings up this topic and comments atleast once.

Also most of my daughter's friends families are moving to a newer community 20 or 30 minutes drive from where we live (cheaper and bigger homes).
out of 6 girls her age who used to play together, 4 kids families bought new homes and moved. so my daughter goes and plays with rest of them if they are not on holiday travels etc.

Thank you for responding and your advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or you could respond every time: "Yes, I'm older and wiser!"

Does this woman act this way towards others in your group?
If yes, then you could band together and do things without her. If no, then think about why she singles you out. Are you the new person? Is your husband lower down in the hierarchy than her husband, or other social/class issues like this?

Don't let her have this power over you and your daughter. If necessary, say clearly in front of all the group: " Please stop talking about my age or my daughter's age every time we meet. Thank you". She will lose face in front of the others.

I dont know what she talks about me before other friends. in the get togethers, there are lots of topics flying around. so this is rare topic in a group. but she exaggerated other things and embarrassed me sometimes. she talks something like ' her daughter is older so she can go to work and my kids are 3 and 7 and i cannot go to work now." it is a pretty small group of friends. one family does not meet much as their kids are boys and all the others have girls. But that lady used to say something about this lady's exaggeration/gossip. but I never comment on such things. i prefer to just hear and not say anything.

regarding social class. no we are not inferior in anyway. I am acutally much more educated than her.
I am not trying to be demeaning. I can say that she is street smart. she takes wiser decisions based on her communication skills and extension research. she can answer back sponteneously. even anything as a small insult to her, she will handle pretty well and gives back to the person who insulted her. I just watch it and say wow, i would have cried if someone said that to me. but she is strong and insulted the other person equally and more. I am not sure if they are all taking each other's comments as insults. They are all doing it with laughs and smiles. This opens up a bigger topic. but since I live next door to this woman, I should know to handle her. specially because my daughter is getting hurt here.

she is one of the talkitive persons in the family get togethers.
dont really know if she ist rying to hurt me and my daughter or not.

I knew there was something about you that she wants, but doesn't have. That's what is happening here, OP. This woman resents what you have. She's trying to make you and your daughter feel uncomfortable about who you are because she thinks that will make her feel better about herself.

She sounds creepy - signing up her 7-year old daughter for activities your 11-year old daughter is involved in? Moving next door to you might be a perfectly normal thing that could happen to anyone, but with her, who knows?

I think you absolutely need to start having a lot less to do with her as soon as possible. She's not your friend. Her consistent goal seems to be to make you and your daughter feel bad about yourselves. Since she lives next door, you can't cut things off completely, but you need to start making other plans and not including her.

By the way, your writing is fine. You communicate clearly and well.

[Anonymous]

You just have to decide if it's worth spending any of your time with this woman. If you find yourself dreading each encounter with her or, more importantly, if your daughter seems to be hurt by this woman every time that she sees her...time to find other things to do.

There's a big enough gap in the ages between your daughter and the 7 year old that it should be quite easy to find other activities for your daughter that don't involve the 7 year old. No need to "have it out" with her or anything, just move on.

[Anonymous]

This woman and her daughter are very jealous of you and your daughter. They want what you have and they put you down to make themselves feel better. Tell your daughter so she understands and then teach her to say "that was mean" and walk away when she needs to. Stay away from these people when you can. They are not your friends.

[Anonymous]

Just minimize contact, and when she says something like that, ask her, "what do you mean?" and make her explain herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This woman and her daughter are very jealous of you and your daughter. They want what you have and they put you down to make themselves feel better. Tell your daughter so she understands and then teach her to say "that was mean" and walk away when she needs to. Stay away from these people when you can. They are not your friends.

If this is true, it might also help to keep your accomplishments to yourself or at least don't mention them to this woman. It sounds as though she views your successes/accomplishments as direct threats to her own self worth. The less she knows about your life (especially the successes) the less she'll feel compelled to tear you down. Distance yourself as politely as possible.

[Anonymous]

I never understand why women hang around people who they do not like. If you were a guy, would say this person is an ass and you would stop doing stuff together. Show your daughter friendship is a two way street.

[Anonymous]

I know it's tough when you are friends with the mom but you will need to disengage from her and the kids. I had a similar situation and I definitely lost the mom as a friend but she didn't want to do thing sans our Daughters but I couldn't continue tolet my daughter together hurt.

Talk to your DD and say that a breaks needed bc she is getting her feelings hurt and that is not ok. Teach your DD to tell the girls she is busy if they ask for her to play. Tell the mom you guys are busy if she asks. Make a lot of other plans for a month or so and the connection will begin to fizzle.

[Anonymous]

Agree, distance yourself from these two and have your daughter get involved with girls her own age. Hopefully, when school starts up she will make new friends.

This woman is not your friend. She sounds jealous and very controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your daughter to say to that woman's daughter, "That was mean. I don't play with mean girls." AND THEN TO WALK AWAY.

THIS! It's short and simple (without being mean).

It doesn't matter that you're family "friends". It doesn't matter that she moved to the neighborhood so your daughters can go to school together (who does this anyway?).

What matters is the message YOUR daughter is receiving from YOU when you actively let these people stay in your life. You're teaching her that people don't have to respect her.

Think about what kind of message that is. She's also seeing that you're not standing up for her or yourself. Unacceptable!! She's a doormat in training (under your tutelage).

It's time for some honest discussions and some role playing with DD. Also buy this book and journal for her (http://www.amazon.com/Stand-Yourself-Your-Friends-Bossiness/dp/1593694822) and talk about it together. She needs to know the words to use and what she should expect from those around her- and what to do when she is not treated with respect.

You need to pull on your big girl panties and have a talk with this woman (if you'll constantly see her at social gatherings, school functions, and taking out the trash). It can be calm and respectful but she needs to know that things will change in regard to the time you guys spend together. If it's helpful- write it all down before you talk to her so you get out all that you need to say. Don't put anything in writing to her and don't let it escalate (if she's prone to craziness).

I have not problem politely correcting other children when they're disrespectful to my daughter (5 y/o) but I also talk to her about it after- even if she does correct the rude person. "How did you feel when Larla said X?" and "If she says something that makes you feel that way again, how do you think you should respond?" The American Girl book I linked above has great info to help girls figure out which method of sticking up for themselves works for them.

Good luck. This woman sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a big age gap between your daughters. Your daughter should be around girls that are her peers where she can be herself.

Not saying that the girls can't be friends, but sounds like there is too much togetherness. It isn't healthy for the other mother to be comparing the girls who are at different maturity levels. Can you distance yourself more and help your daughter make some new friends?

Good luck to you and your daughter.

yes. you are right. my daughter mostly plays with her age group kids.
but me and my friend meet during our kids swim lessons or generally as neighbors or during evening walks.
These are the times when this stuff happens. How ever rare these meetings are, my friend brings up this topic and comments atleast once.

Also most of my daughter's friends families are moving to a newer community 20 or 30 minutes drive from where we live (cheaper and bigger homes).
out of 6 girls her age who used to play together, 4 kids families bought new homes and moved. so my daughter goes and plays with rest of them if they are not on holiday travels etc.

Thank you for responding and your advice.

I'm an new poster. Don't schedule swim lessons together again. Don't go on evening walks anymore. Make up excuses why your kids can't spend time together, and why you can't spend time with her. I'm dealing with a similar situation. Believe me, just keep saying no, we are busy. You will be much happier.