my friend and her daughter always puts down my daugher

[Anonymous]

My friend is about my age. maybe a year . She has a 7 year old and I have a 11 year old.
My friend and her daughter always put my daughter down.

examples:
if some lady is giving a candy to the kids, then if my daughter opens the candy wrapper and eats it, my friend says "look at her. she is eating it faster that the kids"
even her daughter once in conversation said to my daughter "you are old"

she owns a home somewhere else. But she moved my community so that her daughter an go to the same elementary school that my daughter goes to.
now my daughter graduated this year and will be going to middle school.

if we are walking on the side walk near the elementary school, friends daughter says to my daughter "this is not your school. it is my school"

My daughter who loves her elementary school feels bad because some 7 year old who will be going to 2nd grade is saying that its no longer her school. my daughter feels bad after coming home. she never says anything to the other kid because she did not know what to say at the moment.

Also another occasion when talking to a common friend she said something like my 13 year old is more innocent than her 7 year old. Then our common friend asked me if my daughter is already 13 and how time flies. then I told her that my daughter is 11.

dont know what is it with my friend and my daughter's age. she tries to always make her feel older. Initially it hurt me more. but now even my daughter started to observe. my friend always brings the age factor atleast once each time we meet.

My daughter is tall for her age and her daughter is short for her age. her daughter can fit into her 4 year clothes.

My friend's daughter and my daughter are learning swimmng from the same teacher and their classes are back to back.
My friend who does not know swimming always says, if your daughter is able to learn, then I will be able to learn.If did not have my kids to watch then I will be learning swimming. I also want to learn swimming like your daughter. After about 4 classes or so, I said, why do you want to compare to my daughter who is learning swimming now. why dont you learn like your daughter who is already a good swimmer.

please advice how to handle my friend. why this constant reminder of age. why should a 11 year made to feel old.
More information: I am big and my friend is slim and wears clothes from youth section from khols and jcpenny.

[Anonymous]

This woman is someone you know, but she is NOT a friend to you. Friends do not try to make friends feel poorly.

[Anonymous]

Dump the "friend", pronto!

[Anonymous]

Your writing style makes it very hard to understand what you are saying.

Essentially, you need to stand up to passive-aggressive comments like that by looking at the other mother straight in the eye, and saying calmly: "what do you mean by that?". Then let her fumble around trying to explain herself.

Your daughter, at 11, can speak up for herself too and say:" I don't like it when you constantly make me look old / talk about my age like that. I consider this my school too. Respect that."

If her daughter has annoying comments, you can also intervene immediately and say: "please stop continually bringing up DD's age - it's getting annoying." Don't forget that 7 year olds can have VERY annoying traits and still grow up to be lovely people. My DC's best friend is 7 and drives me crazy sometimes! I call her out on it

I don't know why people can't bring themselves to be direct. It would prevent so much heartache and resentment.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a little confused about why you think the age thing is insulting to your daughter. Is there some underlying meaning that you perceive? Based on your last line about size, are the comments about age supposed to be a way of suggesting that your daughter is too big/fat? Is that that what you're worried about or is it something else? (By the way, the 7 year old's comment about the elementary school, while not particularly nice, seems like a normal comment for that age. 7 year olds seems to spend a lot of time taking notice and commenting on differences, with an emphasis on mine/yours. Not the most attractive behavior but pretty common.)

What is your friendship like otherwise with this mother? Has she been competitive in other ways? Have you been friends for a long time? I'm trying to figure out if you're perceiving insult because that's this woman's pattern of behavior or if perhaps you're reading insult into comments that are innocent.

It's hard to get a handle on because the comments don't seem particularly bad, but I can see how their negativity might not be conveyed well just with a written description and that context/tone/body language make them quite a bit worse.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Thank you for the advice you are giving.
Initially I used to ignore it thinking that she might be forgetful and does not remember correctly.
There are times I was direct and told her that "she is only 11 you know"
even my daughter once said some comment back like "that is not funny" to that kid.
yet we are at the receiving end of this.

Then I realized that mother must be talking something about my kid's age at home before her daughter. otherwise why will a 7 year old pick up this kind of talk.
My daughter plays with the 14 year old. She never says such comments to her. infact she is glad she has someone to play with.

Believe me, I was direct with her.
I am tired of being on the defence or direct now. I just wish she stops this constant topic.
we are family friends. we meet pretty ofter with other families. This one does not stop and the other mom you has a kid 8 months younger to my daughter also started talking similarly.
yes I agree that in my friends circle, i have the oldest kid. an almost 12 year old ( in 4 months) where as rest of the families have kids around the ages 11 year old, 10 year old, 7 year old etc.

Also I noticed that my "friend" exaggerates not just ages but also adds lots of untrue details to many many topics.

[Anonymous]

Friends care and don't hurt your feelings. The attacks on your daughter tell you all you need to know. Distance yourself from this woman.

[Anonymous]

22:07 again. This woman sounds crazy. Distance yourself. She reminds me of my aunt, a very intelligent but hypercritical and competitive woman who gossiped like there was no tomorrow, with astronomical exaggerations, and always had something nasty to say about everybody behind their backs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a little confused about why you think the age thing is insulting to your daughter. Is there some underlying meaning that you perceive? Based on your last line about size, are the comments about age supposed to be a way of suggesting that your daughter is too big/fat? Is that that what you're worried about or is it something else? (By the way, the 7 year old's comment about the elementary school, while not particularly nice, seems like a normal comment for that age. 7 year olds seems to spend a lot of time taking notice and commenting on differences, with an emphasis on mine/yours. Not the most attractive behavior but pretty common.)

What is your friendship like otherwise with this mother? Has she been competitive in other ways? Have you been friends for a long time? I'm trying to figure out if you're perceiving insult because that's this woman's pattern of behavior or if perhaps you're reading insult into comments that are innocent.

It's hard to get a handle on because the comments don't seem particularly bad, but I can see how their negativity might not be conveyed well just with a written description and that context/tone/body language make them quite a bit worse.

I do not mean that my daughter is big/fat. I mean that this woman knows my age and yet says that i am older than her etc.
I am 1 year older than her.
I have know her since my daughter was a 5 month old baby. But getting to know her better after she moved right next to my home.
These are not the friends I made myself. She is my DH's friend's wife.
I did not choose to move next to her house. she chose to move next to me.
she is always trying to find out which after school activites my daughter is enrolled in. immediately she tries to research and sends her daughter there.
I am sorry if my writing style is confusing. my first language is not english.

[Anonymous]

Or you could respond every time: "Yes, I'm older and wiser!"

Does this woman act this way towards others in your group?
If yes, then you could band together and do things without her. If no, then think about why she singles you out. Are you the new person? Is your husband lower down in the hierarchy than her husband, or other social/class issues like this?

Don't let her have this power over you and your daughter. If necessary, say clearly in front of all the group: " Please stop talking about my age or my daughter's age every time we meet. Thank you". She will lose face in front of the others.

[Anonymous]

For some reason she seems to be competing with you (or so it seems). I would lay low and try to stay away from her. She is not good for you or your daughter. If anyone started making my dd feel bad, I would cut the relationship immediately.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is almost 12 and this child is 7? Tell your daughter to speak up and stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a little confused about why you think the age thing is insulting to your daughter. Is there some underlying meaning that you perceive? Based on your last line about size, are the comments about age supposed to be a way of suggesting that your daughter is too big/fat? Is that that what you're worried about or is it something else? (By the way, the 7 year old's comment about the elementary school, while not particularly nice, seems like a normal comment for that age. 7 year olds seems to spend a lot of time taking notice and commenting on differences, with an emphasis on mine/yours. Not the most attractive behavior but pretty common.)

What is your friendship like otherwise with this mother? Has she been competitive in other ways? Have you been friends for a long time? I'm trying to figure out if you're perceiving insult because that's this woman's pattern of behavior or if perhaps you're reading insult into comments that are innocent.

It's hard to get a handle on because the comments don't seem particularly bad, but I can see how their negativity might not be conveyed well just with a written description and that context/tone/body language make them quite a bit worse.

I do not mean that my daughter is big/fat. I mean that this woman knows my age and yet says that i am older than her etc.
I am 1 year older than her.
I have know her since my daughter was a 5 month old baby. But getting to know her better after she moved right next to my home.
These are not the friends I made myself. She is my DH's friend's wife.
I did not choose to move next to her house. she chose to move next to me.
she is always trying to find out which after school activites my daughter is enrolled in. immediately she tries to research and sends her daughter there.
I am sorry if my writing style is confusing. my first language is not english.

OP, your writing style is fine. I'm just not sure why it's an insult to think someone (especially among children) is older. Usually, 7 year olds idolize 13 year olds, who seem almost like grown-ups to them! I guess it doesn't really matter, since if you both think it's an insult, then effectively, it is one.

I agree with other posters than this woman seems competitive and is not treating you like a friend. Although it may be difficult because she lives next door, do your best to distance yourself from her and her daughter. Just reinforce positive thoughts to your daughter. You could also try to turn the age thing on her. For example, when friend or her daughter says something about your daughter being 13, you could say, "Well, DD is so smart and graceful, I can see why you forget that she's only 11! One day you'll be 11 and then you'll know so much more and be able to so many more things, too!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or you could respond every time: "Yes, I'm older and wiser!"

Does this woman act this way towards others in your group?
If yes, then you could band together and do things without her. If no, then think about why she singles you out. Are you the new person? Is your husband lower down in the hierarchy than her husband, or other social/class issues like this?

Don't let her have this power over you and your daughter. If necessary, say clearly in front of all the group: " Please stop talking about my age or my daughter's age every time we meet. Thank you". She will lose face in front of the others.

I dont know what she talks about me before other friends. in the get togethers, there are lots of topics flying around. so this is rare topic in a group. but she exaggerated other things and embarrassed me sometimes. she talks something like ' her daughter is older so she can go to work and my kids are 3 and 7 and i cannot go to work now." it is a pretty small group of friends. one family does not meet much as their kids are boys and all the others have girls. But that lady used to say something about this lady's exaggeration/gossip. but I never comment on such things. i prefer to just hear and not say anything.

regarding social class. no we are not inferior in anyway. I am acutally much more educated than her.
I am not trying to be demeaning.
I can say that she is street smart. she takes wiser decisions based on her communication skills and extension research. she can answer back sponteneously. even anything as a small insult to her, she will handle pretty well and gives back to the person who insulted her. I just watch it and say wow, i would have cried if someone said that to me. but she is strong and insulted the other person equally and more. I am not sure if they are all taking each other's comments as insults. They are all doing it with laughs and smiles. This opens up a bigger topic. but since I live next door to this woman, I should know to handle her. specially because my daughter is getting hurt here.

she is one of the talkitive persons in the family get togethers.
dont really know if she ist rying to hurt me and my daughter or not.

[Anonymous]

"but since I live next door to this woman, I should know to handle her. specially because my daughter is getting hurt here.

she is one of the talkitive persons in the family get togethers.
dont really know if she ist rying to hurt me and my daughter or not. "

She is HURTING your daughter. What else is there to know?

Keep her and her child away from your daughter!!!