MIL visits

[Anonymous]

OP, as someone who needs some down time too, I get what you mean, but I'd like to offer a little perspective: Take a look at the many posts on here about toxic MILs, interfering MILs, horrid relationships with MILs - and count your blessings that you and she get along, and that your only issue is this one!

Remember, too, that while you don't really understand how anyone can not want the same kind of down time you do -- it's just true that there are people who don't need it and who thrive on a ton of interaction, all the time. It doesn't make them wrong to be that way, just as it doesn't make you wrong to need decompression daily. It's a fundamental personality difference, that's all, and not a major one that can't be dealt with temporarily.

MIL isn't doing this on purpose to deny you down time, but I think you already realize that.

Enlist your husband to spend one on one time with his mother. Enlist MIL to look after the kids while you go out, are alone, "run an errand" that involves a stop for coffee alone, whatever. And when you're with MIL, appreciate her; she won't always be able to travel to you like this.

I have been in the position of being the long-term visitor and I try to escape daily for both my own sake and the sake of the hosts. But I have friends and relatives who would be more like your MIL. Remember -- she is trying to cram in as much time with your family as she can, because she wants to be there and wants to see the grandkids, and that is all good. Enjoy her and the fact that she CAN travel to see you -- my MIL is chronically ill and overseas and I wish she could come and be with us, but it's not ever going to happen again. So...some of us would be glad to have your problem.

[Anonymous]

She is your MIL that's a close family member. Unless you want your DH to feel the same way about your parents, you need to be able to tolerate her visits. When my parents visit, they usually stay for 2-3 weeks. My husband always feels left out somehow, but he never says anything negative, and a lot of time will just retreat to his man cave. On the hand, we use the opportunity of them staying with the kids to have awesome dates and vacations without the kids. If I was your MIL i would be very hurt if you asked me to stay at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't hate my MIL, but i HATE having her stay in my house. I love having her visit with the kids, but if she stays at our house I have no time to decompress at the end of the day and I get crabby and I internally take it out on my MIL. DH doesn't get it (because she's his mom and, more generally, he doesn't need the alone time at the end of the day) so is there any nice way to ask her to limit visits to 2 nights or stay at a hotel? If there's not, there's not, but i'm hoping someone else has had this issue and resolved it.

No, there's not. She is your family. Is it not possible to discuss this and simply say, you know, I could use a few minutes to myself so I'm going to go up to my room and read? Surely your husband can entertain his mother while you go decompress? Just speak up and ask for what you need already - don't be passive-aggressive as though other people are supposed to read your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these are helpful replies. She lives about a 3 hour flight away, but she doesn't love to travel and so she likes the longer visits. I guess part of my confusion is why she would WANT to stay in our house for longer than 2 days - doesn't she want her own space?

I think the best strategy is to make plans with friends the nights she is there - maybe even something as indulgent as seeing a movie by myself! And I like the suggestion above of just going upstairs after dinner and "getting ready for tomorrow."

OP, she "wants" to spend more than 2 days at your house because you are her family, and she is visiting you. Is that really a mystery? My IL's come to stay with us for 4-5 days at a time 2-3 times a year. I've had situations where I needed my own time, which was achieved by going for a walk, taking a long bath, "going to bed" early so I could read, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the exact same way, OP, and after lengthy discussions with DH, we decided it's best for all of us if she stays in a hotel. It's not what she wants but it's not her decision to make. Because we now have some space at the start and end of each day of her trip, the visit is now tolerable and she's invited back more frequently.

Wow. I'm sure she feels very welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is your MIL that's a close family member. Unless you want your DH to feel the same way about your parents, you need to be able to tolerate her visits. When my parents visit, they usually stay for 2-3 weeks. My husband always feels left out somehow, but he never says anything negative, and a lot of time will just retreat to his man cave. On the hand, we use the opportunity of them staying with the kids to have awesome dates and vacations without the kids. If I was your MIL i would be very hurt if you asked me to stay at a hotel.

+1 I pray to God my son doesn't marry a woman who will think/feel this way about me, as though I am some annoying interloper instead of family.

[Anonymous]

Here's a question: when your son is an adult, married with a young family, will you insist on living in their house for a week several times a year?
This is very cultural! We have one set of parents that likes flying in just for 4 days and not getting in the way and also getting out of the house (so everyone has some privacy).
Then the other set of parents books a flight for 2-3x longer than they're invited and they just sit around the house 24/7 eating and watching tv.
Honestly, I think it depends on their degree of self-centered ness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these are helpful replies. She lives about a 3 hour flight away, but she doesn't love to travel and so she likes the longer visits. I guess part of my confusion is why she would WANT to stay in our house for longer than 2 days - doesn't she want her own space?

I think the best strategy is to make plans with friends the nights she is there - maybe even something as indulgent as seeing a movie by myself! And I like the suggestion above of just going upstairs after dinner and "getting ready for tomorrow."

OP, she "wants" to spend more than 2 days at your house because you are her family, and she is visiting you. Is that really a mystery? My IL's come to stay with us for 4-5 days at a time 2-3 times a year. I've had situations where I needed my own time, which was achieved by going for a walk, taking a long bath, "going to bed" early so I could read, etc.

Yes I love putting my life and projects on hold and going up to my room each night while everyone else uses everything they see in my house. Like being sex-iled in college, YOU have to change your behavior for someone in your rooms.

[Anonymous]

Op: your MIL is family. If she just tuckers you out, that is huge. Like, really a big deal. You should only do what you enjoy. I don't think you should have your MIL visit. You should go see her, if you feel that is something you would enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I loved my MIL until the day she took her last breath. She gave me something special, her son.

I can't believe how witchy some of you ungrateful bitches are. All under 40 ? With no manners ?

One day, if you have a son, your DIL will write about you too. I hope you read about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Op, sometimes you have to do things that you don't like or are unconfortable bc - gasp- it is not all a out you or your needs.

Take a few walks, go to bed early, "work late" once or twice. Make dh do the prep work for her visit (cleaning, shopping etc). If he doesn't, hire a cleaning person to come before she gets here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved my MIL until the day she took her last breath. She gave me something special, her son.

I can't believe how witchy some of you ungrateful bitches are. All under 40 ? With no manners ?

One day, if you have a son, your DIL will write about you too. I hope you read about yourself.

How wonderful that you loved your mother in law! It doesn't mean that those of us who don't enjoy MIL's company are bitches. Yes, MIL gave me DH. And she adores my children. I also hear questionable stories from his youth about how he was disciplined, how her carelessness has caused injuries, and I observe the way she talks to her own daughter in a way that makes my skin crawl. Personally I have to endure constant one-upping from a grown woman, comments about my own appearance, and having to check the contents of her kitchen for spoiled products before eating anything.

I believe she means well and has a good heart. She is good to my children. But plain and simple, I do not enjoy her company. I can handle a lunch or dinner with her. But multi day visits are painful for me to endure. I have children and am pregnant and a full time grad student making a career change after many years. I don't think I'm a witch for not enjoying having a person stay in my house for several days when I am not compatible with them on a personal level. I treat her well while she's here - I make sure sleeping accommodations are made, even though displacing my own family to do so. I cook very nice meals and make sure her odd preferences are met. I clean my house from top to bottom before she comes. I do it. But I just don't want to. I'd rather go for a couple of hours every other weekend than for several days a couple of times a year, but that's just not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, sometimes you have to do things that you don't like or are unconfortable bc - gasp- it is not all a out you or your needs.

Take a few walks, go to bed early, "work late" once or twice. Make dh do the prep work for her visit (cleaning, shopping etc). If he doesn't, hire a cleaning person to come before she gets here.

Yes, again, accommodate accommodate accommodate. Put others first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the exact same way, OP, and after lengthy discussions with DH, we decided it's best for all of us if she stays in a hotel. It's not what she wants but it's not her decision to make. Because we now have some space at the start and end of each day of her trip, the visit is now tolerable and she's invited back more frequently.

OMG
Gtow up

[Anonymous]

Here is the charming result of raising your kids to think they are special, the center of the world, and entitled to everything. Something to look forward to, when your own children grow up and want nothing to do with you because you inconvenience them now.