MIL visits

[Anonymous]

i totally understand. my mil is such a helicopter and i really need some space from her if i am around her too much. luckily, we live in a very small apartment and they stay in a hotel but i am worried about this for when we move somewhere larger.
it also causes me to limit how much we travel with them because they are the type that like to wake up together, stay together every second of the day until we go to bed and never have any space. they are not ok if we separate at all during the trip. and they prefer to find a house or connecting hotel rooms so there isn't even the evening to decompress. i just can't do it.

i go back and forth about it but i think its best to do what would make the stay the most enjoyable for everyone. if you being stressed about her visiting because she is in your space 24/7 and you don't have alone time and that causes your husband to be stressed and your MIL/children start to feel the tension, staying somewhere else would just be so much more enjoyable. if you find that sneaking away to your room in the evening or sending your mil off with the kids to the park or leaving to go meet some girlfriends while your husband spends one on one time with her is enough of a break for you, then let her stay and take your breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved my MIL until the day she took her last breath. She gave me something special, her son.

I can't believe how witchy some of you ungrateful bitches are. All under 40 ? With no manners ?

One day, if you have a son, your DIL will write about you too. I hope you read about yourself.

How wonderful that you loved your mother in law! It doesn't mean that those of us who don't enjoy MIL's company are bitches. Yes, MIL gave me DH. And she adores my children. I also hear questionable stories from his youth about how he was disciplined, how her carelessness has caused injuries, and I observe the way she talks to her own daughter in a way that makes my skin crawl. Personally I have to endure constant one-upping from a grown woman, comments about my own appearance, and having to check the contents of her kitchen for spoiled products before eating anything.

I believe she means well and has a good heart. She is good to my children. But plain and simple, I do not enjoy her company. I can handle a lunch or dinner with her. But multi day visits are painful for me to endure. I have children and am pregnant and a full time grad student making a career change after many years. I don't think I'm a witch for not enjoying having a person stay in my house for several days when I am not compatible with them on a personal level. I treat her well while she's here - I make sure sleeping accommodations are made, even though displacing my own family to do so. I cook very nice meals and make sure her odd preferences are met. I clean my house from top to bottom before she comes. I do it. But I just don't want to. I'd rather go for a couple of hours every other weekend than for several days a couple of times a year, but that's just not an option.

So why can't your husband do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the charming result of raising your kids to think they are special, the center of the world, and entitled to everything. Something to look forward to, when your own children grow up and want nothing to do with you because you inconvenience them now.

Houseguests are guests, not entitled to plop in someone else's home or life just because they have time or got a cheap convenient flight for them. Time for everyone to compromise and grow up and stop being selfish ( this INCLUDES selfish relatives who want free food and lodging everytime they leave their house).
Face it, there a good houseguests and there are bad houseguests. Take some time to reflect on if you even had houseguests whoe growing up. Or did everyone just live nearby and stop by for a fw hours. Some families had long houseguests some had short, some had none. Wake up in the today and come up with a compromise for all, given your current situation and backgrounds. This "one size fits all" attitude from both "I'm the MIL here to be your roommate" alienates many, and vice versa. Communicate and compromise. Your way is not the highway. Especially if you want or need something.

[Anonymous]

How many times a year is she coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the charming result of raising your kids to think they are special, the center of the world, and entitled to everything. Something to look forward to, when your own children grow up and want nothing to do with you because you inconvenience them now.

I think there is a whole generation of kids born in the 1980's, in that child-centered parenting generation, who have grown up to be very self-centered, self-oriented, it is all about me adults now in their mid-late twenties and early thirties. Not that every child born in that generation turned out that way, but OP sounds very much like a poster child of that era. I have had to hire and work with many and the expectation that the world and everything in it will cater to them is a firmly entrenched belief for many. They truly believe it is a human right to not be inconvenienced, and to put someone else ahead of themselves - inconceivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the charming result of raising your kids to think they are special, the center of the world, and entitled to everything. Something to look forward to, when your own children grow up and want nothing to do with you because you inconvenience them now.

I think there is a whole generation of kids born in the 1980's, in that child-centered parenting generation, who have grown up to be very self-centered, self-oriented, it is all about me adults now in their mid-late twenties and early thirties. Not that every child born in that generation turned out that way, but OP sounds very much like a poster child of that era. I have had to hire and work with many and the expectation that the world and everything in it will cater to them is a firmly entrenched belief for many. They truly believe it is a human right to not be inconvenienced, and to put someone else ahead of themselves - inconceivable.

I know! I am a child of the 80s and find this to be true--even of myself. I blame it on the prosperous Clinton era...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the exact same way, OP, and after lengthy discussions with DH, we decided it's best for all of us if she stays in a hotel. It's not what she wants but it's not her decision to make. Because we now have some space at the start and end of each day of her trip, the visit is now tolerable and she's invited back more frequently.

OMG
Gtow up

You start a response with "OMG" and I need to grow up? Moving on...

There's absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries and knowing your limits. It's a sign of maturity to be able to talk about difficult issues with your spouse and come to a mutual decision. MIL stays in a hotel and she visits much more frequently than she otherwise would, it's a win-win for everyone. DH and I both have a much better relationship with his mother after switching to this arrangement and that's really what's most important in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How wonderful that you loved your mother in law! It doesn't mean that those of us who don't enjoy MIL's company are bitches. Yes, MIL gave me DH. And she adores my children. I also hear questionable stories from his youth about how he was disciplined, how her carelessness has caused injuries, and I observe the way she talks to her own daughter in a way that makes my skin crawl. Personally I have to endure constant one-upping from a grown woman, comments about my own appearance, and having to check the contents of her kitchen for spoiled products before eating anything.

I believe she means well and has a good heart. She is good to my children. But plain and simple, I do not enjoy her company. I can handle a lunch or dinner with her. But multi day visits are painful for me to endure. I have children and am pregnant and a full time grad student making a career change after many years. I don't think I'm a witch for not enjoying having a person stay in my house for several days when I am not compatible with them on a personal level. I treat her well while she's here - I make sure sleeping accommodations are made, even though displacing my own family to do so. I cook very nice meals and make sure her odd preferences are met. I clean my house from top to bottom before she comes. I do it. But I just don't want to. I'd rather go for a couple of hours every other weekend than for several days a couple of times a year, but that's just not an option.

So why can't your husband do it?

Because he doesn't think he needs to clean for his mother. I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone stay in my house with out giving it a good cleaning. Staying in someone else's house isn't the most comfortable thing to begin with, and if it's cluttered and dirty it's worse. If she has to be here I don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm not heartless; I just don't want to spend time with her myself.

[Anonymous]

I, too, need my space at the end of the day. And, I feel like I need that space even more when we have company in town, whether it is my MIL or my own mom. There have been several good suggestions. I would suggest the following too -- make sure that your family (or at least your MIL) is not home when you get home. For me, I don't like walking in and being greeted by my relatives who instantly want to dive into my day. I feel like a guest in my own house (and not in a good way). So maybe you could have your DH take your MIL out just the two of them one day for dinner, or you could have your DH take your MIL (or your kids) for a walk around the time that you'd be getting home.

As much as I dread extended visits from family, as my kids have gotten older, I've found that it's easier. The kids want to see their grandparents and the grandparents want to see the kids, and I just go to my room/office without explanation.

For me, the hardest part is after dinner. I work almost every night after I put the kids to bed. After 15 years of marriage, my in-laws have finally accepted that I won't/can't spend evenings with them when they are here for an extended period of time. The challenge is that I like to work with the laptop on my lap while I'm lying down on our sofa so at least I can be in the same room as my husband. But, when they are all here, I have to change things up and find a new place to hide. It definitely gets on my nerves, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

What if your Mil loses all her money, house, etc and cannot afford to live on her own anymore? Are you going to turn her away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How wonderful that you loved your mother in law! It doesn't mean that those of us who don't enjoy MIL's company are bitches. Yes, MIL gave me DH. And she adores my children. I also hear questionable stories from his youth about how he was disciplined, how her carelessness has caused injuries, and I observe the way she talks to her own daughter in a way that makes my skin crawl. Personally I have to endure constant one-upping from a grown woman, comments about my own appearance, and having to check the contents of her kitchen for spoiled products before eating anything.

I believe she means well and has a good heart. She is good to my children. But plain and simple, I do not enjoy her company. I can handle a lunch or dinner with her. But multi day visits are painful for me to endure. I have children and am pregnant and a full time grad student making a career change after many years. I don't think I'm a witch for not enjoying having a person stay in my house for several days when I am not compatible with them on a personal level. I treat her well while she's here - I make sure sleeping accommodations are made, even though displacing my own family to do so. I cook very nice meals and make sure her odd preferences are met. I clean my house from top to bottom before she comes. I do it. But I just don't want to. I'd rather go for a couple of hours every other weekend than for several days a couple of times a year, but that's just not an option.

So why can't your husband do it?

Because he doesn't think he needs to clean for his mother. I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone stay in my house with out giving it a good cleaning. Staying in someone else's house isn't the most comfortable thing to begin with, and if it's cluttered and dirty it's worse. If she has to be here I don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm not heartless; I just don't want to spend time with her myself.

Hire a cleaning service before each visit! Ad make yr dh go shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these are helpful replies. She lives about a 3 hour flight away, but she doesn't love to travel and so she likes the longer visits. I guess part of my confusion is why she would WANT to stay in our house for longer than 2 days - doesn't she want her own space?

I think the best strategy is to make plans with friends the nights she is there - maybe even something as indulgent as seeing a movie by myself! And I like the suggestion above of just going upstairs after dinner and "getting ready for tomorrow."

OP, she "wants" to spend more than 2 days at your house because you are her family, and she is visiting you. Is that really a mystery? My IL's come to stay with us for 4-5 days at a time 2-3 times a year. I've had situations where I needed my own time, which was achieved by going for a walk, taking a long bath, "going to bed" early so I could read, etc.

Yes I love putting my life and projects on hold and going up to my room each night while everyone else uses everything they see in my house. Like being sex-iled in college, YOU have to change your behavior for someone in your rooms.

You are very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the charming result of raising your kids to think they are special, the center of the world, and entitled to everything. Something to look forward to, when your own children grow up and want nothing to do with you because you inconvenience them now.

+1 Sorry OP but your constant whining on this thread is worse than my 4 yo. Life is too short for such self-centered nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Take some anti-bitch pills and see if you can get a personality transplant. You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How wonderful that you loved your mother in law! It doesn't mean that those of us who don't enjoy MIL's company are bitches. Yes, MIL gave me DH. And she adores my children. I also hear questionable stories from his youth about how he was disciplined, how her carelessness has caused injuries, and I observe the way she talks to her own daughter in a way that makes my skin crawl. Personally I have to endure constant one-upping from a grown woman, comments about my own appearance, and having to check the contents of her kitchen for spoiled products before eating anything.

I believe she means well and has a good heart. She is good to my children. But plain and simple, I do not enjoy her company. I can handle a lunch or dinner with her. But multi day visits are painful for me to endure. I have children and am pregnant and a full time grad student making a career change after many years. I don't think I'm a witch for not enjoying having a person stay in my house for several days when I am not compatible with them on a personal level. I treat her well while she's here - I make sure sleeping accommodations are made, even though displacing my own family to do so. I cook very nice meals and make sure her odd preferences are met. I clean my house from top to bottom before she comes. I do it. But I just don't want to. I'd rather go for a couple of hours every other weekend than for several days a couple of times a year, but that's just not an option.

So why can't your husband do it?

Because he doesn't think he needs to clean for his mother. I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone stay in my house with out giving it a good cleaning. Staying in someone else's house isn't the most comfortable thing to begin with, and if it's cluttered and dirty it's worse. If she has to be here I don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm not heartless; I just don't want to spend time with her myself.

I'm 23:53, and you're a much nicer person than I am to be concerned about her comfort. I wouldn't go to all the effort, particularly if I didn't enjoy her visits.