Baby hates my mother

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have a much better handle on what's going on than any of the PPs, and I'm with 14:23. Your mom is overstimulating your baby and probably you as well by being her obtuse unempathetic self. She is not helping you or the baby in any way--she's making you late and the baby upset.

Sounds like she could use a basic parenting class since she's not getting the message about following baby's lead from you.

[Anonymous]

Or she could be doing something terrible to the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or she could be doing something terrible to the baby.

Or she could just be trying her best but has to deal with her nervous-Nellie first time Mom who tends to be controlling and overreactive about anyone who interacts with her baby. It's also entirely possible that the baby associates OP's Mom with knowing she is on her way to daycare for the day and that's why she is upset and cranky.

[Anonymous]

OP isn't a FTM as she mentions getting another child read as she does.

[Anonymous]

DS seemed relived and less stressed when my mother left. She has her own ideas about what he should be doing when. And he being almost 2 has very different ideas. She tried to rock him to sleep when he was younger. It didn't go very well, because he wanted to be left alone. Even now on Skype she refuses to acknowledge he needs his down time and demands he plays with a ball or read a book. Crazy. I keep telling her to stop this, but there's no teaching an old pony new tricks.

[Anonymous]

It's you. Baby picks up on your hatred for her and acts accordingly. You ardva grown woman still harboring anger and hatred because you were in day care 12 hours a day. You need professional help or you are going to ruin your child's life. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

The baby doesn't hate your mother. I do think you might be projecting a bit of your own tension and feelings. Some people just aren't that soothing to babies. If she's willing to hang in there and try to bond with the baby, just try and work with her. Maybe her taking the baby when you're running around trying to get ready isn't the best timing for it. And I do kind of think the baby's associating her with you leaving.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny and some babies are harder to soothe than others. With kids that are more difficult or have anxiety, I find putting them in the stroller and going outside almost always helps. Don't know if your mom would be up for that or not, but it might be worth suggesting.

[Anonymous]

The baby doesn't hate your mother. Could the baby hate something about her, though? For months we could not figure out why my son fussed every time my dad picked him up. As soon as he changed his aftershave, happy baby!

Could you be overthinking it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She stays with us a few nights a week as we live closer to where she works. The thing is, he doesn't cry like that for anyone else. DH's dad just visited for a few days and he was perfectly happy to hang out with him and has been fine with other relatives. I don't always go in and intervene, but when he is hysterical and hardly breathing because he is crying so hard, I usually go in and calm him down. There have been days he has cried for almost an hour with her while I get myself and older DS ready without me going in. Eventually he falls asleep and sleeps until they leave for daycare. She still offers him a bottle most days, but he hasn't taken more than half an ounce from her in a couple months.
The biggest issue is her not reading his cues and not listening to our advice - she holds him tightly and piles on blankets and he gets sweaty... she also never lays him down to let him stretch out and play and always insists he is tired (because all she wants to do is sit and rock him and watch Fox News).

She's taking care of her needs, not your son's. When my son was that age I set up the pack-n-play right outside the bathroom door and he played in there while I got ready. There was enough interaction between us (along with some interesting toys for him) that I was able to get ready in a reasonable amount of time.

I think you need to ease your mom out of this role. Tell her he's in a phase where he only wants his mom and you're okay with that. She can watch t.v. on her own. Or could you have her give the older child breakfast while you're getting ready? As it is, it's not helping you get to work on time, or helping you in any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more of a vent than anything else, but it's driving me crazy. My 6 month old does not like my mom, at all. He starts crying within seconds of her picking him up. The second I take him back, he is all smiles again. She 'helps' us by taking him to daycare 2 of the 3 days a week that I work so she can spend a couple hours with him in the morning. However, I'm finding that I'm constantly late on those days because I can't seem to get ready without going back into the room to quiet him down when she is holding him. As a side note, I don't have the best relationship with my mom and we are not very close. I appreciate that she wants to help and spend time with the baby, but she also does not listen to my advice on following his cues. Every time he cries, she insists he is tired and starts loudly shushing and trying to rock him, which generally results in him screaming louder. He also completely refuses to take a bottle from her. She has been around him since day 1, and he has just slowly developed into not wanting to tolerate her at all. Although she 'loves' babies, she was not around much when my brother and I were little - we each spent 12 hours a day in daycare during the week and spent weekends with grandparents so she is not all that experienced. Sorry for the vent, just so frustrated and tired of listening to him cry on the mornings she is there... it is torture to my ears and my heart.

I'm confused, do you HAVE to let your mom do this 2 days a week? Or she just wants to be "helpful" so you allow it?

If she is the only adult your baby acts like this with, then maybe your baby is picking up on things or cues and it's just not a great fit? Why keep subjecting your baby to someone that is clearly distressing him if you don't have to? Again, this only applies if she's the main person he acts like this with. If he's like this with everyone who isn't you, then maybe it is more about you always going to get him and not giving him time to get used to others and just deal with being away from you (he may need to learn that you'll always be coming back).

I've worked in daycare and honestly, most of the babies who cried and disliked one particular worker or another at the places I worked had excellent reason for not liking them. You'd never know if you were a parent or someone else walking in, because of course then everyone's on good behavior. Nothing blatantly abusive where I worked, but just cold and unfriendly and those babies were absolutely communicating real preference of "No, I don't want to be with this person because she's mean/rough/cold/stern" and I saw how she was when no parents were around, those were legit feelings. Those same babies were not like that with other workers who treated them normally.

Not talking about spoiling or coddling babies. Talking about the difference between positive or neutral care, and negative care. Your mom may be negative to your baby and your baby is right on point in communicating that this distresses him.

So if you don't have to do it, tell your mom that you're going to change up the routine and find other ways for her "to be helpful". You don't owe this to her and if she really fights you on it, you should wonder about that too. A supportive parent should be trying to be supportive in ways that actually help their adult child and grandkids, not in ways that cause more hassle and lateness and stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or she could be doing something terrible to the baby.

Or she could just be trying her best but has to deal with her nervous-Nellie first time Mom who tends to be controlling and overreactive about anyone who interacts with her baby. It's also entirely possible that the baby associates OP's Mom with knowing she is on her way to daycare for the day and that's why she is upset and cranky.

That only is a logical theory if baby resists daycare itself and has a fit when dropped off. If baby is fine actually at daycare, or if mom tests out taking baby on her own for awhile and baby is fine, that theory falls apart.

I'm also of the theory OP that if your baby isn't like this with anyone else, it IS about how your mom handles him. You said yourself she can't read his cues. You never know just how far that can go at times, and honestly in the same way you'd fire a babysitter who can't read your baby's cues because that can have very negative results, maybe it's just time to find other ways to help your mom have time with your baby, and this daycare in the mornings thing isn't the right way.

Also, maybe find a reason to tell your mom your'e taking a break on the whole "visit 2 nights/week" thing and re-set the whole arrangement. It sounds like this is all about your mom meeting her own needs and not really being all that driven by quality time with you guys. It's your home, and it's your kid, and if it's causing stress, figure out a different arrangement.

And do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty for prioritizing your son and his wellbeing over the needs of adults who can take care of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother and I aren't close and I had the same problem with her when it came to my two kids. They would both scream initially when left alone with her. It was hard for me, but I had to "let them work it out". Leave and do not come to baby's rescue. I did that enough and it's been a major turnaround. Now that my older child is verbal he actually asks for Grandma. Can't believe that based upon how things got started. Good luck to you!

But it is not always the case that it's just kids needing to adjust to a well-meaning grandparent. Sometimes there are real reasons for the distress, the babies are reacting to real problems, and as parents, unless you have no other daycare options, why would you subject a BABY to that? Especially when it's just certain adults/grandparents, and not everyone.

It is different when they're older and can tell you what is distressing them. Babies can't. Do what you can to alleviate both your stress and your baby's, find a different role for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The baby doesn't hate your mother. I do think you might be projecting a bit of your own tension and feelings. Some people just aren't that soothing to babies. If she's willing to hang in there and try to bond with the baby, just try and work with her. Maybe her taking the baby when you're running around trying to get ready isn't the best timing for it. And I do kind of think the baby's associating her with you leaving.

nP. I had a similar situation with my MIL. The kids both did not bond with her a long, long, time, and I think it was because she didnt really believe in being very responsive. When I realized she was perfectly fine with our girls crying 20 mins or more, I just really reduced using her for chil care. One the kids reached preschool age, things improved greatly. They could fend for themselves better, and she was able to play with them more, instead of directing them according to her whims.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your mother wear the same perfume or fragrance, or maybe a strong hair oil? That could be the cause of your baby's distress.