Baby hates my mother

[Anonymous]

This is more of a vent than anything else, but it's driving me crazy. My 6 month old does not like my mom, at all. He starts crying within seconds of her picking him up. The second I take him back, he is all smiles again. She 'helps' us by taking him to daycare 2 of the 3 days a week that I work so she can spend a couple hours with him in the morning. However, I'm finding that I'm constantly late on those days because I can't seem to get ready without going back into the room to quiet him down when she is holding him. As a side note, I don't have the best relationship with my mom and we are not very close. I appreciate that she wants to help and spend time with the baby, but she also does not listen to my advice on following his cues. Every time he cries, she insists he is tired and starts loudly shushing and trying to rock him, which generally results in him screaming louder. He also completely refuses to take a bottle from her. She has been around him since day 1, and he has just slowly developed into not wanting to tolerate her at all. Although she 'loves' babies, she was not around much when my brother and I were little - we each spent 12 hours a day in daycare during the week and spent weekends with grandparents so she is not all that experienced. Sorry for the vent, just so frustrated and tired of listening to him cry on the mornings she is there... it is torture to my ears and my heart.

[Anonymous]

He knows that if he continues to cry, you will come back to him. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to stop doing that.

So she comes to the house in the morning, spends a couple hours with him (without giving him a bottle) and then takes him to daycare? Does he cry the entire time?

[Anonymous]

So, I know you just needed to vent, but honestly a 6 mth old can't "hate" anyone. He can feel uncomfortable, he can be uncertain with people he doesn't see regularly, etc... but he can't hate her.

What he can do is demonstrate an uncanny ability to manipulate his parents through his crying! Seriously, he knows you're there and he wants you. Period. When he cries you come.

Also, I'm really not wanting to slam you and will try to be gently, but I read quite a bit of unresolved stuff between you and your mother in just this brief paragraph. My hunch would be that you are tense with your mother, uneasy w/ your role as a mother when she is around, uncomfortable w/ her approach, etc... So your son is picking up on this. Tense mommy equals uncomfortable baby.

Really, it's that simple.

[Anonymous]

She stays with us a few nights a week as we live closer to where she works. The thing is, he doesn't cry like that for anyone else. DH's dad just visited for a few days and he was perfectly happy to hang out with him and has been fine with other relatives. I don't always go in and intervene, but when he is hysterical and hardly breathing because he is crying so hard, I usually go in and calm him down. There have been days he has cried for almost an hour with her while I get myself and older DS ready without me going in. Eventually he falls asleep and sleeps until they leave for daycare. She still offers him a bottle most days, but he hasn't taken more than half an ounce from her in a couple months.
The biggest issue is her not reading his cues and not listening to our advice - she holds him tightly and piles on blankets and he gets sweaty... she also never lays him down to let him stretch out and play and always insists he is tired (because all she wants to do is sit and rock him and watch Fox News).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I know you just needed to vent, but honestly a 6 mth old can't "hate" anyone. He can feel uncomfortable, he can be uncertain with people he doesn't see regularly, etc... but he can't hate her.

What he can do is demonstrate an uncanny ability to manipulate his parents through his crying! Seriously, he knows you're there and he wants you. Period. When he cries you come.

Also, I'm really not wanting to slam you and will try to be gently, but I read quite a bit of unresolved stuff between you and your mother in just this brief paragraph. My hunch would be that you are tense with your mother, uneasy w/ your role as a mother when she is around, uncomfortable w/ her approach, etc... So your son is picking up on this. Tense mommy equals uncomfortable baby.

Really, it's that simple.

Yes, I'm sure you are right about him picking up on the tension, PP. Watching his sweet face cloud up as soon as she picks him up is so hard, though. I want him to be happy with her, really. I know it upsets her that he cries so much when she's holding him, too.

[Anonymous]

Just get ready for work, he needs a chance to settle himself without you coming to his rescue.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your babe is just crying for you to come back. Let them be and let her find her own way to bond. It might take some time, but totally worth it. My mom bonded with our toddler in a way I didn't expect (songs and music; I don't sing). But it took some time. The best thing is to not meddle and let the two of them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She stays with us a few nights a week as we live closer to where she works. The thing is, he doesn't cry like that for anyone else. DH's dad just visited for a few days and he was perfectly happy to hang out with him and has been fine with other relatives. I don't always go in and intervene, but when he is hysterical and hardly breathing because he is crying so hard, I usually go in and calm him down. There have been days he has cried for almost an hour with her while I get myself and older DS ready without me going in. Eventually he falls asleep and sleeps until they leave for daycare. She still offers him a bottle most days, but he hasn't taken more than half an ounce from her in a couple months.
The biggest issue is her not reading his cues and not listening to our advice - she holds him tightly and piles on blankets and he gets sweaty... she also never lays him down to let him stretch out and play and always insists he is tired (because all she wants to do is sit and rock him and watch Fox News).

Stop this arrangement with your mother. Just stop. You wouldn't put up with it from a provider you were paying. It's making you unhappy, and it's making the baby unhappy...you yourself put quotations around "help." You also mention you've tried for a couple months. That's long enough. Find another arrangement, and don't think that your mother is going to become anyone other than who you know her to be already just because you had a kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't like your mom. I think this post is really more about that. I think you should reduce the time your mom is in your house, I think that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Seems like giving the baby and your mom more time to independently work out their own relationship would help. Let your mom make her own mistakes. Don't go in and sooth the baby - that totally undermines your mom's confidence and her ability to figure out the relationship with her grandchild. Make a point of being relaxed and calm with your mom so the baby feels comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Both of my children had the same reaction with my mother-in-law. As soon as she looked at them they cried hysterically and could not be comforted until me or my husband took them from her. And I really like my mother-in-law who takes care of my nieces 4 full days a week with no issues. My children are also in daycare and have no issues with their providers. My DS did not stop crying at the sight of my MIL until he was about 18 months. My DD is 10 months and this still happens. Relationship with your mother aside, if this bothers you than you may have to make other arrangements for a period of time. It won't last forever and there will be a time when your baby will look forward to spending time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She stays with us a few nights a week as we live closer to where she works. The thing is, he doesn't cry like that for anyone else. DH's dad just visited for a few days and he was perfectly happy to hang out with him and has been fine with other relatives. I don't always go in and intervene, but when he is hysterical and hardly breathing because he is crying so hard, I usually go in and calm him down. There have been days he has cried for almost an hour with her while I get myself and older DS ready without me going in. Eventually he falls asleep and sleeps until they leave for daycare. She still offers him a bottle most days, but he hasn't taken more than half an ounce from her in a couple months.
The biggest issue is her not reading his cues and not listening to our advice - she holds him tightly and piles on blankets and he gets sweaty... she also never lays him down to let him stretch out and play and always insists he is tired (because all she wants to do is sit and rock him and watch Fox News).

Stop this arrangement with your mother. Just stop. You wouldn't put up with it from a provider you were paying. It's making you unhappy, and it's making the baby unhappy...you yourself put quotations around "help." You also mention you've tried for a couple months. That's long enough. Find another arrangement, and don't think that your mother is going to become anyone other than who you know her to be already just because you had a kid.

This
You know you don't owe her anything and that she is not there out of sincere love for you or your baby, right?

[Anonymous]

I had a similar problem with my MIL - she is practically obsessed with the baby and yet is terrible with him. I didn't let her have him alone for a long time because she would do odd things and he would scream. Now that the baby is older and more interactive and tolerant, I am slowly trying to foster a better relationship between them by letting her take care of him. It basically came down to age appropriateness -- she treated an infant more like a toddler and expected him to be able to easily self-soothe, entertain himself, play games, etc. Now that he is actually closer to toddler age, it's better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar problem with my MIL - she is practically obsessed with the baby and yet is terrible with him. I didn't let her have him alone for a long time because she would do odd things and he would scream. Now that the baby is older and more interactive and tolerant, I am slowly trying to foster a better relationship between them by letting her take care of him. It basically came down to age appropriateness -- she treated an infant more like a toddler and expected him to be able to easily self-soothe, entertain himself, play games, etc. Now that he is actually closer to toddler age, it's better.

Oh also, another thing I did was let MIL help around the house a lot, but not with direct baby care (or only the brief things that I knew would not upset the baby, like a quick diaper change or a walk.) As the baby gets older I have slowly added in more things, like feeding the baby solids, playing with him on the ground with toys as he gets more interested, etc. How about encouraging her to take the baby for a walk in the AM until it's time to go to daycare? Or have her do other things around the house instead of baby care? Tell a white lie and say that you feel like you need more time with the baby, but that it would be great if she would help out by doing other things. This will allow her plenty of time to be around the baby but without the drama.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I aren't close and I had the same problem with her when it came to my two kids. They would both scream initially when left alone with her. It was hard for me, but I had to "let them work it out". Leave and do not come to baby's rescue. I did that enough and it's been a major turnaround. Now that my older child is verbal he actually asks for Grandma. Can't believe that based upon how things got started. Good luck to you!