I am so frustrated with my ADD family
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
New poster here who also has a DH and two children with ADD. It did wear me down. A lot. Years of being the only one who wasn't constantly losing things; being surrounded by three males who forgot or simply just didn't hear what was just said to them at least 3x. Being the only one who could plan for vacations, summer camps, multiple moves. My DH always checked out when I needed him to be on top of something. Very disengaged.
Several years ago both children were diagnosed and a year later my husband finally admitted. Medication has made a world of difference with school performance, being able to take in verbal directions, and motivation. My husband now gets it. He can see the difference and understands what I spent many years complaining about. Things have turned around completely, but I still sometimes get angry when I remember how drained I was. How the three of them would look at me like I was the crazy one because I wanted them to recognize and address the chaos. |
Anonymous
|
My experience is similar to 19:13 but with the added component of nearly getting divorced. Two of our three kids were diagnosed with developmental delays early on and later diagnosed with ADHD/inattentive. It was after that that DH was diagnosed but he really didn't seek treatment until we were near divorce. I tried juggling things and keeping them together far longer than I should have. DH seemed uninterested in doing what needed to be done to get his ADHD/depression under control and it wasn't until we were near divorce that he finally took action (and, yes, I would make appointments for him, remind him of them, remind him what he was supposed to do, etc and nothing got better).
We're in a much better place now but it's required a lot of relationship counseling and ADHD coaching for my DH to really acknowledge the extent of the impact of his ADHD on our entire family. It's not just the disorganization and forgetfulness but also the poor emotional regulation. DH wasn't aware when he was getting wound up. He'd just be in that well of emotion and speaking with no filter. That's just unacceptable when you're and adult and especially when you're a parent. Through counseling, DH finally agreed to no screen time for him and the kids at least 30 minutes before going to sleep. He finally agreed to get at least 7.5 hours of sleep each night (sleep deprivation can mimic symptoms of ADHD and will also negate the positive effects of ADHD medication - it's not worth taking if your sleep deprived). He agreed to 'behavioral training' like always putting his things in the staging area and if I found them outside the staging area and called him on it, he would have to immediately stop what he was doing and put them there. After a couple of months, he was quite good at it and really appreciated not having to look for his keys/wallet/cell phone. There's a reason why people with ADHD have a higher divorce rate. The symptoms/impact may not be so noticeable early in a relationship/marriage but as time goes by and the stressors increase, the coping strategies that were adequate before are no longer effective. It takes a lot of work to adapt to the new demands and sometimes you just have accept that your spouse needs to hear it from someoen other than you. I highly recommend counseling with someoen skilled in treating ADHD. It's the only reason we're still married. |
Anonymous
|
ok.... make an appointment... *where*?
I'm the adult with the attention problem in my house... Tysons - Hernon corridor would be great, but anything in Vienna / Mclean would also be great. Pls don;t suggest my family doctor, this is not an issue she is comfortable exploring. Also open to new fam doctor who would. |
Anonymous
That has me feeling better about today's bag of peanut m & ms (with bunnies) my family just shared. can't even begin to note what's not done around here. For those in need: Rite Aid has Bunny Mix m &ms at half price right now. |
Anonymous
Yes! And then we can all get drugged! Particularly our 7 and 8 year olds... isn't that wonderful?? They will all be perfect little soldiers now. |
Anonymous
Thank you for everyone who shared their stories and commiserated with me. And to the pp with ADD. You all really helped calm me down a bit and realize I need to set up some counseling (yes, I'll have to be the one to set it up, put up reminders, get the babysitter, and coordinate  ) but sounds like it might be worth it.
|
Anonymous
OP here again - I understand how you may think its funny or like to be sarcastic, but there's a big difference between Dr.s over diagnosing and over medicating people for ADD and ADHD and those of us with family members that truly have it and are struggling with it. Unfortunately, because of the over-dx that ADD/ADHD got early on, it has such a bad reputation of not being something real that those of us with an actual dx find it difficult to get support. But thanks for the attempt at humor. |
Anonymous
No way would I recommend your family doctor! Most of them don't have a clue! For ADHD coaching, I can suggest Kim Smith Kidd at http://www.kimandlaurie.com/ or Abigail Lavrini http://www.psychedcoaches.com/about-us.html . You could also try Catherine Adams http://adhdgrp.tripod.com/adhdresourcegroup/id1.html . The ADHD coaches can likely suggest a relationship counselor near you. We're in the Alexandria area which doesn't help you. Good luck! |
Anonymous
This. Can you be in charge of homework and DH take over in another area? Cooking, etc? I say this as a DW with ADHD Inattentive. I completely understand and agree that the kids need a distraction-free, uncluttered workspace. I find it odd that your DH doesn't get this. |
Anonymous
|
PP here. OP, honestly I would be curious to hear, as my house is the same way. Unfortunately, I seem surrounded by these types, which can be overwhelming. You are not alone. |
Anonymous
|
Also OP - you might find some good suggestions on the Special Needs Forum.
My DH sees Dr. Book in NW DC for meds, and a coach through Chesapeake ADHD Center http://chesapeakeadd.com/. I know you are in VA, but they may be able to refer you somewhere. Also check out CHADD if you haven't already. My two ADHD kids see different docs for meds and therapy. And yes, I have to organize it ALL, but the therapy and meds have made a world of difference. We were also in counseling and on the verge of divorce, but things are so much better. We have one NT child, and it's hard not to rely on her too much because her exec functioning is so much higher than her sibs. We also limit screen time (esp at night), make sure everyone gets enough sleep. I'm very careful with our diets, and supplement with fish oil, vit D, and multis. It's a lot, but managing ADHD requires a great deal of effort on all fronts. Good luck, and you are not alone! |
Anonymous
|
OP, several threads in the archives on your topic. Below are two that focus on the DH:
Married to ADD, seeking advice http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/121937.page#1033293 HELP, life with a husband with ADD. I am struggling to manage everything!! http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/233391.page |