I am so frustrated with my ADD family

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I can't take any more. I am the only non-add person in my family, which means that everyone forgets and misplaces everything. No one stays on track, homework is a constant battle of trying to keep everyone focused and my DH, who is also ADD is absolutely no help and actually makes things worse. I am over my head with all this and on now starting to resent my DH because it appears he's just going about his day in blissful ignorance because he doesn't see it either. Im over it.
vent over

[Anonymous]

Does your Dh just not care? I ask this not to be snarky, but because after years of thinking DH had ADD, I realized his family culture is such that they are lazy and simply don't care. There could be mold growing on everything (there is in MILs house, literally - its gross) and they would not have any incentive to get their act together. I am the only one that holds the house together and tries (!) to enforce pseudo-systems so people know where their own stuff is and don't bother me every single minute of every single day.

In DH's family, you are ostracized if you are different, so I may as well be Martha Stewart, "trying to prove something" as far as they are concerned - far from it! Though the way they live is kind of...ick.

I know its tiresome OP, I feel for you. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, ADD may be an excuse for your DH to get out of helping at home. I am an adult recently diagnosed ADHD. At work, although I am the biggest performer on my contract, I still knew I had a slight problem wrt concentration and I could do better; thus I got diagnosed. However, I know my home priorities. Yes, I do misplace things often, but I ensure my children thoroughly do their homework every night, since it is a priority.

[Anonymous]

You should get tested. Everyone else has it and I mean everyone! Let's all get tested!!!

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. Pretty much in the same boat. I try to get away to see friends in NYC or CA once or twice a year. Alone. Sometimes I just need to get away or I would lose my mind for good. If travel isn't an option, then a night out with pals works well too. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is an adult. He doesn't get to pull the ADD card to excuse his laziness. I have raging ADD (currently untreated because I'm breastfeeding) and I'm still able to keep my shit together at home.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for responding. PPs that said DH may be lazy or trying to get out of work may have a point. But it seems like it's just not being able to stick to a routine. Here's an example. He gets home before me and picks up the kids. They should start their homework (which they both need help focusing on - so you really have to sit near them, keep on them about going back to it, make a space either at their desks or at the table, but with no distractions, etc.) But when I get home, it always seems to be that the books are open, but the kids are distracted or the TV is on or something else while DH is doing something else (reading the paper, on his own laptop, cooking dinner) and it appears that he's just as distracted as they are. So, it all comes down on my shoulders.

And it's a constant "where are my....." from all three of them. And then they'll use mine (my laptop, my phone, my pens, my whatever) and always misplace mine as well. Just sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Helping the kids with their homework is boring. Your DH obviously would much rather watch TV. That's not ADD. That's laziness.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, welcome to typical American family. Get big black trash bag throw stuff out and cut cord to tv. Have tantrum and eat bag of peanut m and m's. protein in the peanuts and chocolate mood elevator. That is what I do! Sorry not add....sadly.

[Anonymous]

I am poster 16:04 who has ADHD, but also is the one who does the kids homework with them. My DH also gets home earlier than me and picks up the kids. He does not like doing homework with the kids. I have tried a few times to get him do it it, but he always only does half of it and it is a constant battle so I just don't ask anymore. I also give kids a bath, do reading every night with them, sign up activities, cleaning, laundry, and cook dinner 90% (he does cooks 10%). All he does is pay bills, fixes stuff when broken, and mows lawn. It has nothing to do w/ ADD/ADHD, but has everything to do w/ priorities, selfishness, etc. I have given up on complaining about it, because it just goes no where. I just do what I know needs to be done. Believe me, it has caused a lot of resentment. I feel your pain OP.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I know exactly how you feel. My dh and both of my sons all have ADHD/ADD. I live in a constant state of chaos.

[Anonymous]

omg. same here. add to the above that things in the house are often broken by one of them and/or one of them always has an injury that i have to work around. it's insanely frustrating.

[Anonymous]

My husband will not do something b/c it's difficult.

We have a young son who has sensory issues and sometimes pitches a fit when it's time go to the bathroom for example. My husband will make a half-hearted attempt to take him, then not increasing the chances he pees in his pants.

If your kids have trouble with homework (as many kids with ADHD do), your DH may not want to be the one to keep them on task b/c it's difficult. I would let them have some down time after school. Depending on their age, you may want to consider getting a tutor or helper for this task.

There are coaches for ADHD and executive functioning. I would consider finding one and doing a family appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for responding. PPs that said DH may be lazy or trying to get out of work may have a point. But it seems like it's just not being able to stick to a routine. Here's an example. He gets home before me and picks up the kids. They should start their homework (which they both need help focusing on - so you really have to sit near them, keep on them about going back to it, make a space either at their desks or at the table, but with no distractions, etc.) But when I get home, it always seems to be that the books are open, but the kids are distracted or the TV is on or something else while DH is doing something else (reading the paper, on his own laptop, cooking dinner) and it appears that he's just as distracted as they are. So, it all comes down on my shoulders.

And it's a constant "where are my....." from all three of them. And then they'll use mine (my laptop, my phone, my pens, my whatever) and always misplace mine as well. Just sick of it.

Yup. 16:19 here. There are times I just want to hide under my covers. Sometimes I do. It is exhausting, and I hate feeling like the sole functioning brain in the house. And for those on the thread who doubt the impact of ADHD - I dare you to try and evening at my house.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should pick up the pace a little