Married to ADD, seeking advice

[Anonymous]

DH and I have a wonderful marriage, but like most, there definitely is room for improvement. DH has never been medically diagnosed, but we are positive he has ADD. Acknowledging the problem was the first step, but now what to do? Recently, I've started, at his request, making an ongoing list on a dry-erase board of the household tasks I need his help with. And so far that has been going very well. He even got out the vacuum yesterday without me putting it on the list or verbally asking him to do it--of course, I acknowledged his efforts and let him know how happy it made me. His ADD sometimes gets in the way of his financial responsibilities. But again, now that we've identified the problem, he has really made an effort to get better. He does well with taking on bill paying responsibilities, but he has a really bad habit of blowing money on frivolous junk (new electronic devices and accessories for example. Trip to COSTCO can be ridiculous even though I try to explain how just because something is so cheap doesn't mean we actually have a need for it!). After many, many conversations about this, he realizes he does spend too much, and I think is trying to make an effort.

He will not be medicated for various reasons which I completely understand and support, and I would never force medication upon him. So medication aside, does anyone have any advice for other ways to improve this? He really is making an effort, I just wish there was more I could do to help him with it.

[Anonymous]

I am always amazed at just how often people use ADD or ADHD as an excuse for screwed up behavior.

He will either take care of his responsibilities or he won't, (including seeking medical help/diagnosis) verses you assuming such a thing as ADD.

[Anonymous]

I have heard lists and calendars are an ADD adult's coping mechanism, so the dry erase board is a great idea. Perhaps he needs to learn to make lists on his own.

My DH goes to Costco for no reason and blows big buck too, but no ADD issues. It might just be a guy thing. Perhaps a rule in place that any (aggregate) purchase over a certain amount needs to be a joint decision. Or perhaps ban Costco as a solo activity.

Perhaps a weekly tally of spending will show him. Or give him a weekly budget.

Good luck. At least he is trying.

[Anonymous]

If he is not going to do medication, he is going to have to put forth tremendous effort to keep on track. What happens is they can do a method - checklists, etc - for a short period of time - weeks even- but then they backslide. Dated someone for 2 years who had bad ADD , couldn't marry him bc I spent so much time keeping after him to get even the basics done and his finances were out of control.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the blowing a wad @ Costco thing shouldn't go in the 'but DH has ADD!' column. All lack of self control isn't necessarily adult ADD. Your DH just wants to buy crap, it's exhilarating.

I have a touch, my dad and bro have a lot. You can easily learn, as a 30 something, not to get in the car in the 1st place and point it toward Costco. You absolutely can remember that your DW said 'don't spend more than $100, period.' I know from personal experience.

[Anonymous]

OP: I think I will tell my wife I have ADD when I go to COSTCO and buy the 55" LED TV!

[Anonymous]

My brother, my DH and two of my kids have ADHD. It's so frustrating when people equate ADHD with a lack of will power. Research has long shown that ADHD brains are different than "normal" brains. That's why medication has been so effective, especially when used in conjunction with a behavior modification plan. I understand why people would be opposed to medication and I would never suggest it be pushed but when it comes to treatment, you really need to keep your options open. There are structrual and chemical differences in the brains of people with ADHD. In that sense, it's not much different than diabetes. You can work to control diabetes through diet and exercise but sometimes that isn't sufficient to control it. Same with ADHD. Also, medication alone isn't sufficient to control either disorder. The best treatments use a multi-modal approach.

If you haven't already, I highly recommend you consider joining CHADD www.chadd.org. We belong to the NOVA chapter and have greatly benefitted from the monthly meetings, regional conferences and online resources. They also have a monthly magazine, Attention, that has also been very informative. Having a thorough understanding of ADHD will go a long way in helping you and your DH come up with strategies that work for both of you. It will also give you both better insight as to why he behaves the way he does. You might consider working with an ADHD coach. Your local CHADD chapter will have a link to local service providers and many of the speakers at the monthly meetings are service providers as well. After attending a few meetings, you can get a better idea of what may be of benefit to you. I've learned so much from them that have benefited our entire family. The difference is the techniques and strategies are nice for the 'normal' ones but critical for the ADHD.

Finally, there is a strong genetic component to ADHD. Being better educated about it will help you watch for it in your kids. We've caught it early in our kids and my DH hopes they won't have the frustrations and esteem issues that he's had from living with it undiagnosed for so long. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to see so many people misinterpreting your Costco example. ADHD is a real disorder and while we all have attention and impulse challenges at times, the difference is that with ADHD, the problems are persistant and affect the activities of daily life. The negative pyscho-social effects on an individual are also well documented and the dismissiveness and contempt displayed by some of the PPs fuel them. This study was done on children and adolescents but it's also well documented in adults http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15520087

19:12 has given some good advice. I would also suggest you get the book Is It You, Me or Adult ADD http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709 The book was written primarily for the SO of people with ADHD and I've found it very helpful. At least I know I'm not alone.

I haven't read it yet (I just got it from the library) but you might consider looking for Russell Barkley's news book Taking Charge of Adult ADD. Dr. Barkley is one of the foremost experts on ADHD. http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282311460&sr=1-6

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, the blowing a wad @ Costco thing shouldn't go in the 'but DH has ADD!' column. All lack of self control isn't necessarily adult ADD. Your DH just wants to buy crap, it's exhilarating.

I have a touch, my dad and bro have a lot. You can easily learn, as a 30 something, not to get in the car in the 1st place and point it toward Costco. You absolutely can remember that your DW said 'don't spend more than $100, period.' I know from personal experience.

I'm sorry to see your personal experience hasn't spurred you to become better educated about ADHD. Of course buying stuff is exhilarating. The problem people with ADHD have is a greater inability to rein those impulses in than people without ADHD. You should also know the severity of ADHD varies across people. You may be able to limit yourself to $100 but not every person with ADHD can.

[Anonymous]

You may be able to limit yourself to $100 but not every person with ADHD can.

Yes, they can. It's called not getting in the car and turning the ignition in the first place.

YOU should educate yourself about the distinctions between ADHD and other mental illnesses, or neurological differences if you prefer.

If OP's husband really, truly cannot stop himself from walking down the driveway, turning on the car, driving the X miles to Costco and torpedoeing the family budget -- after many explicit conversations with his wife not to do that, then that's not ADHD. C'mon.

[Anonymous]

The ADHD brain lacks dopamine (either production or sensitivity of receptors). Risk taking behavior (and yes- this includes shopping at Costco) produces a rush, releasing endorphins and dopamine thereby self-medicating.

Many ADHDers have structural differences in the frontal lobe responsible for impulse control. It isn't just a matter of not pointing the car in that direction for some people because executive planning + impulse control may not be there.

Or OPs husband is just being a douchebag

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP! My DH has ADHD and is medicated for it. Still, it's difficult to live with at times. And I'm always frustrated when he uses it as an excuse, even though it's a legitimate one.

[Anonymous]

First-

NO: Dopamine does NOT create ADHD
DOPAMINE (DEF)
a catecholamine neurotransmitter in the central nervous system, retina, and sympathetic ganglia, acting within the brain to help regulate movement and emotion: its depletion may cause Parkinson's disease.

My son has ADHD. If your husband believes he truly has ADHD and is not just using it as an excuse, then he needs a diagnosis and to start researching what help is available in your area for adults with ADHD! There are a lot of natural things you can do to rectify this, starting with diet/nutrition. My son has ADHD and is helped greatly by taking an Omega3 supplement.

And I am sorry, but it is an excuse, even my son at 9 years old knows he can control himself if he really tries and takes care of himself.

[Anonymous]

Who said dopamine creates ADHD? I can't find that post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I am sorry, but it is an excuse, even my son at 9 years old knows he can control himself if he really tries and takes care of himself.

If your DS can do this and without medication then he really doesn't have ADHD. You sound like one of these people who think it's a character flaw rather than a true disorder.