HELP, life with a husband with ADD. I am struggling to manage everything!!
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Anonymous
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He is a great father so I should start with that -he has wonderful intentions and if he is not working he is completely commited to us. With that being said, he is terrible at keeping up with everything. Perhaps I do to much for him and in many ways I enable him but I worry about the well-being of our children if I do not keep the house in order. Here is an example of what happened today:
Last night I packed all the kids things so I could ensure I got out the house at a reasonable time (DH drops off the kids and I pick up so I have to get in early) and DH had everything ready to go this morning. I was home until everyone was fed and dressed. Everything was waiting by the door when I left. I said DH "everything is ready, all you have to do is get the bottles out of the refrigerator and make sure kids have jackets and shoes". DH calls me after dropping kids off (mind you, today was slightly different than normal because it is teacher appreciation week and he had to drop off the gifts). As you can imagine, he begins telling me about drop off and I happen to say -"I assume you got the bottles out of the frig, DH responds "f*#!, I gotta run", so he calls his mother who lives 2 miles away and she goes to our house, picks up the bottles and drops them off at daycare. I should note that MIL is not around much and this is typically how she helps, picks up a kid, drops a kid off, picks something up if we forgot, etc. I love my husband dearly but I have to say that being the primary person running things all the time gets draining. A majority of the time all house work requires a prompting from me -he will do it but sometimes takes 2-3 reminders. I hate nagging him -it makes me feel like I am his mother and I am sure it is causing a strain on our marriage. Any advice to those who have had husbands or wives with attention and follow through issues would be great!! |
Anonymous
| Yup. This would be my life as well. Sorry, I don't have any solutions because I am trying to find some myself. |
Anonymous
| This is my life, too. I have written posts in the 'relationship' section, which you can google as others have given me some good hints. DH finallys aw a psychiatrist and we are trying different drugs. We also need to do some reading and he needs some cognitive behavioral therapy to help him implement better habits, but I imagine our life will be balancing his strenghts and weaknesses--I compensate for him as much as I can, but also get frustrated and angry. Reading about ADD has helped de-personalize things, to a certain extent, and realize that some of his less than stellar qualities (not just organizational but interpersonal, like poor listening skills and tendencies towards stubobornness and belligerence) are in part products of ADD. Not excuses, but at least there are reasons for his behavior. |
Anonymous
| What does your DH think, and what is he doing to compensate for his inattentiveness? |
Anonymous
In the short term, post a sign on the door that he has to use to get to the car. In big letters, list the essentials he has to have. You could also post one for yourself if you think he'll resent the condescension. 
This would actually be helpful for me, some days. I don't have ADD, but on hectic mornings, I have occasionally forgotten something like my daughter's sheet and blanket for her cot at preschool. (In my old carefree child-free days, my checklist for going to bars would be: "Keys? Money? ID? Lipstick? Beer coozy?")
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Anonymous
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I have ADD, and I can so relate to both your husband and to you. I assure you, your husband's ADD is as frustrating and maddening to him as it is to you. And, I am sorry that you essentially have a second child to deal with, at least with respect to housework and remembering things, but with some joint effort the two of you can figure out ways around it.
I second, third and fourth the suggestion for the sign on the door. I had to post such a sign about the bottles for my husband who does NOT have ADD!! but still kept forgetting the damn things. A white board by the door might help. We use a white board a lot and it has really helped both of us. Books by Judith Kolberg are so helpful in figuring out how to approach executive functioning when you have ADD. I am currently reading ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life and have found it quite illuminating. You should definitely read it, even if your husband can't or won't. It will give you great insight into the ADD mind as well as tools to cope with it. If your husband has a smartphone, I highly recommend the Toodledo app, he can add a task to it and set an alarm to remind him when to do something, or you can add it for him. A great low-tech solution is the good ol' Post-It ... on the bathroom mirror, on the door to the refrigerator, on the steering wheel of the car, on the front door ... anywhere where he will see it. I have been seeing a therapist recently and started on Adderall about 6 months ago ... while it didn't instantly heal my faulty executive functioning, it has definitely provided some assistance with focus and concentration. I use the medication in combination with talk therapy and my own research (reading books) and all of this has helped. Although I still have a long way to go, at least I feel like I am taking positive steps. My husband gets very frustrated with me at times, so I can really sympathize with how you are feeling. However, I would urge you to try to remember to be patient with your husband even when you are ready to just smack him for doing something you perceive as stupid. I have found that it is very, very difficult for someone who does not have ADD to understand an ADD mind -- I mean really, WHY can you not remember the bottles/figure out how to clean the living room/clean your desk off for Christ's sake? So please read up on how ADD impacts executive functioning. I think it will go a long way in helping you relate to your husband. Good luck. I will be happy to share the name of my therapist if you like. |
Anonymous
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Hi, different perspective here from someone with ADD.
Look at this another way. If your husband had a physical challenge vs a mental challenge...let's say he lost an arm. After, obviously, the emotional trauma of losing an arm was dealt with, would you take on all of the responsibilities for the family, or would you expect him to take advantage of the fact that this is 2013 and there are many medical and research advances that have been made that could provide him the assistance needed to live a full, "normal" life? I am assuming the latter, and that any therapist you saw would tell you that you aren't helping him by mothering him. ADD is a mental challenge just like losing an arm is a physical challenge. But this is 2012. There are therapists you can see who can help provide your husband the "workarounds" required to thrive. For me, they are lots of to-do lists, calendars, knowing how to talk things through, a supportive husband, good diet, regular exercise and adderrall. Note that is at the end of the list. How did your husband manage before he met you? Did he graduate high school? College? Did he ever hold down a job or live on his own? If so, how did he do it? Either he didn't, or he learned coping skills/mechanisms. Your doing everything for him isn't one of them. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| This is my life too. I write lists and have them ready for my husband. It's interesting to read the PP who have ADD. Some people really haven't functioned on their own. For example, my husband has always lived with a sibling near in age, very close friends, or me-- all of whom would help him organize or remind him about the paper, etc. Plus, my husband is really bright, so he was able to compensate for his attention issues by memorizing, etc. in school. Recently, I have tried to talk with him about ways of taking control of his day, etc., which has helped somewhat. I don't know if your husband is in therapy, but I have tried to encourage my loved one to get help from a professional, which I am not... |
Anonymous
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My DH hasn't been diagnosed with ADD or anything else, but he sounds exactly like the spouses and PPs who have ADD. He also has an extremely bad temper and anger issues. Maybe they are related?
I don't know how to help with this, because right now I've basically taken on 90% of the housework on top of the nearly 100% of the childcare responsibilities that I already managed and working full-time at a more demanding job than my husband's. It's stressful and overwhelming, and sometimes I feel like I am going to shatter from the stress. I find that for myself lots and lots of exercise helps. Hard exercise. Like kickboxing with intervals where I am utterly breathless and red in the face when I'm done. It helps me feel better about things I can't seem to control. I also hate being a nag, but I do remind my husband a lot. Over and over. I make lists for him and put them on a whiteboard on the fridge. That doesn't really work, but I think it's because the lists aren't in place. For example, I mentioned to my husband that he isn't completing the basics of his one and only chore -- cleaning our only bathroom. He forgets that the toilet needs to be cleaned every once in a while or that the trash can should be emptied once it's full. I made an off-hand comment that I am going to stick a post-it note to the mirror with the list of things that need occasional cleaning and the things that need daily cleaning and then maybe he'd remember. His response was not what I expected -- "Actually, that might help." I really do think sometimes putting the reminders in the right place makes all the difference. My husband does much better now that he creates a Gcal for every single thing he needs to do, and we got him a smartphone so he gets these reminders at the right moments. Mostly I've learned to let go of some of the things that matter to me. So I like my house to be a lot cleaner, but I do what is important (making sure the floors are clean and free of choking hazards -- I have a toddler) and let go of some of the little things (like dusting). This, and the regular exercise, are the only ways I maintain my sanity at this point. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, um, my ADD husband will not read a list more than 2 items long. Not sure about yours, PP.
OP, that is exactly what happens in my house. The kids have shoes, no jackets, and bottles will remain in the fridge unless I call him before he leaves and walk him out the door while on the phone. Out of sight, out of mind. What I would do differently is to put the bottles in a cooler bag with ice packs by the door, with the shoes and jackets on top of it. If you have an older kid who will remember, you task them with making sure that daddy brings the bottles for little brother/sister. When the kids were younger, I had a dry erase board on the fridge for all 'important reminders' (which he noticed about 50% of the time). Relax. Your MIL understands and is happy to help you out (this is our arrangement too). You aren't in this alone and if DH had to go back home to get a bottle, so be it. You have a backup at daycare anyways, right? (And if you don't, you need to - yes it's dry formula and a bottle with water but you need to give yourself and DH a buffer in case either of you have 'one of those days' or something happens to one of the bottles you bring in). It gets easier, OP...my kids are 2 and 4 and they won't freeze to death (or won't get to play outside) if they don't have jackets, and the school provides food (THANK GOD). I travel twice a month and have done this for years, and I have had to learn to let go. If one of the kids has a Drs appt while I'm away, it won't happen unless I call or IM DH an hour before and remind him. (Now, I just make sure I'm home for appts, even if DH is able to take the kid.) |
Anonymous
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Here is my issue as I am in the same boat.
I have a husband just like OP's. He can multitask his ass off at work. He has several projects going on and stays on top of all of them. He crosses all of his t's and dots his i's. He is meticulous and detail oriented AT WORK. So why is it, that as soon as he walks through the door he acts like a dumb ass? He doesn't know if he is coming or going. Can't get shit done around here, forgets everything and he has to be prompted a hundred times to not forget this and that. It is really tiring and it wears on you. Then I get extra mad because I know he is capable. |
Anonymous
| I like 11:27's comments re: working towards solutions. Because my first reaction was why would anyone marry/have children with somebody like this? Unless they are used to being an enabler and married somebody just like dear old Dad/Mom? Hard to get mad about it when you KNEW ALL ALONG this person was not going to be helpful managing the household. |
Anonymous
I think very few of us have the foresight as starry-eyed, never-married 20-somethings (or 30-somethings for that matter) to give any thought whatsoever to the concept of "managing the household" down the road, and what that entails. I am a very organized, clear-headed, mature person and married at 35 (not a spring chicken), and really, I had absolutely no idea what marriage and kids really entailed. None at all. |
Anonymous
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic - because I'm really not. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about because I've lived it. I'm probably further down the road than you becuase I finally recognize what you describe above is part of the dichotomy of ADHD. This inconsistency and variability is so freakin frustrating! But, there really are a lot of reasons why your DH can be more organized and mindful at work than at home. I'm not trying to make excuses for your DH but unless your DH is just being an asshole, he's probably not very capable at home and you have to come up with a system that gets you what you need. |