DH out of work but kids still in daycare

[Anonymous]

How long until you have one kid in all day kindergarten? Both kids in school? Aftercare available at your school? That's the time for him to start his business, not now.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused - your DH should do what any woman would do - watch the kids during the day and work when you are home with them. No money for childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I get DH to understand that if we are going to keep childcare in place, he has to make at least enough to break even on that line item? He says I'm being selfish and unsupportive. I think I'm looking at math and coming to a logical conclusion - he either needs a job or needs to care for the kids.

You are not supportive. You are a realist. My wife would like to quit her job, and I've been super clear: she quits, kids cant go to daycare anymore.

What field is your husband in? I have helped people get jobs off this website before and would be willing to look at a resume.

[Anonymous]

$100k is not a lot to live on when it includes day care for 2 and housing and food for 4.
You are no longer upper middle class but lower working class. In your situation roles are reversed. Plenty of mothers would love to work but do not make enough to break even on day care.

There is not going to be an easy solution.

[Anonymous]

lower working class?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to sit down together and come up with a budget for this theoretical plan. Make your expectations clear. It's one thing to ask that you cut back on eating out or move to a smaller apartment, but another thing entirely to ask you to add an unreasonably-long commute to your routine or to cut out emergency savings, college savings and retirement savings. Those are non-negotiable.

Be open to an in-between solution. What if he can find a nanny share or half-day program for the kids and he cares for them the other half. Give him a number. "I am willig to contribute this much to child care. You need to be earning the difference or you need to find reputable child care that costs less.

[Anonymous]

DH has had a business - which in first few years, made some money - not a lot but decent. Recently, with the economy in his industry - its been low to no income. he definitely picks up a lot of kids things, but we still have part-time household help (that I fund) and I do far too much - to give him more time/savings. We manage a decent lifestyle - because of my career, but are tight in many areas that are bc of his business. If he were a SHD - this would not be the case. We would be far more comfortable, have lot more savings ,and less stress for the overall family - but no possible dream for him. We continue to work through it - but in hindsight, it would have been better to go in with some tighter parameters at the beginning.

You have to go in thinking, there may not be income, there could be years with negative income - it could be up and down. Making "lifestyle changes" - Cutting back for a long time to fuel a business can seem less fair over time - not just to you individually, but your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an underemployed woman with a toddler in full time childcare. Just to play devil's advocate-it would be really hard to job search/network effectively while caring for two children full time. In my case, I've been able to pick up enough side work to cover daycare and insurance for me and child. If that work dries up, I'm not quite sure what we'll do-likely some combination of dropping down to part time daycare and picking up some temp work, even if low paid. I don't see how he can get his business off the ground while taking care of the kids full time, but it sounds like his timeline to turn a profit on that business is too long to be sustainable for your family.

Could you do something like meet with a financial advisor to map out a five year plan? It might help to have a neutral observer tell him that his plan isn't workable for the financial survival of your family. Being unemployed is so demoralizing and it can be very hard to hear your partner say stuff that sounds unsupportive-even if it's true.

I am in the same position as this PP and your DH. I've been out of work for 18 months (I left my old job when we moved here for DH's new job. Haven't been able to find a new job). It is very, very tough out there, especially when you have to make a minimum amount just to cover daycare costs, after taxes. I have found part-time work to do from home and have a 4 year old DS in daycare and have 3 month old DD home with me. It is very hard to get more than 2 hours of work done during the day, between feeding her and interacting with her. It is also very hard to schedule telephone conferences because those are always turn into the days her nap schedule is messed up or she is sick, etc. They both sleep from about 9 p.m. to 7 a.m., but DD is up 2-3 times to nurse during the night, so I am exhausted at night and want to sleep, not work.

Every week I contemplate pulling DS out of daycare and just staying home, but then we can't pay my student loans. Plus, as long as DS is in daycare, he has a slot for when I do find work and DD will have a sibling spot that he is "saving" for her. If I pull him out, we are screwed for childcare for both of them if/when I get a job. And, I don't want to pull him out because if I do think it's important that he is in a preschool program. I looked for mid-year part-time pre-school openings in January and February, but couldn't find any. Plus, if he's home, I won't get any part-time work done and then we can't afford a part-time pre-school.

It's easy for people who have jobs to say "just get a job," but it's not that easy. And I understand why your husband is afraid of a long gap on his resume. That is hurting me, too.

So, I guess I don't have an answer. Just that it's harder than people think. If DH's business is a good business idea, could you put the kids in part-time daycare while he gets it off the ground? Then he would have dedicated time to work each week, some during the weekday, and some weeknights and weekends when you are home? That sounds exhausting for both of you, though.

[Anonymous]

OP. 60 hours a week?! WTF is this business? I think he's using his "business" as an excuse to avoid participation with your family and participation in the workforce. Basically, he's avoiding something and this is an acceptable way to do it.

[Anonymous]

My husband is having his hours reduced at work and we will keep our child care. That is the only way he will be able to devote the time to getting a new job and it makes sense even if we are eating into savings. The difference for the OP is that the business is taking so much effort and unlikely to return anything over the medium term.

[Anonymous]

can his mom move in to help with the kids

[Anonymous]

I would pull the infant out of daycare and leave the preschooler in unless it is completely unsustainable. We may be in this situation in six months or so.

[Anonymous]

Are you in DC? If you are, you can get free preschool for ODC starting at 3 years old which will give him 6 hours daily to work. He can work with an infant, and when infant is older you can do part time daycare or a co-op. Then he can do more work at night.

That should be a good compromise. May be worth a more expensive rent - if you're not in DC, move.

[Anonymous]

Is he a lawyer trying to do big-money cases on his own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused - your DH should do what any woman would do - watch the kids during the day and work when you are home with them. No money for childcare.

Absolutely this. His business venture needs to take place after hours and on weekends. Or at very least he can get a part time job during nights and weekends.