DH out of work but kids still in daycare

[Anonymous]

Hi. My DH has been out of work for 7 months now (though he has been looking for a new job for about 14 months). He is demoralized at the lack of opportunities and progress, and has decided to start his own business. The business he is starting will be difficult to make profitable, but will provide him with something to say when people ask what he does for a living. He will probably work 50-60 hours a week for no salary for the next couple of years.

We have a preschooler and an infant. I make $100k. By the time taxes, 401k, and healthcare premiums come out of my paycheck, we have $60k to spend on our lives. If we keep our kids in childcare, we will spend over half of our take-home pay on just that line item, leaving about $25-$30k a year for EVERYTHING else - rent, food, clothes, etc.

We are used to an upper-middle class lifestyle, and while I'm willing to economize, I dont see any way to live in the DC metropolitan area on this. Finding a 2BR apartment for less than $1500/month is not easy without a crazy commute (that probably adds to the childcare costs). How do I get DH to understand that if we are going to keep childcare in place, he has to make at least enough to break even on that line item? He says I'm being selfish and unsupportive. I think I'm looking at math and coming to a logical conclusion - he either needs a job or needs to care for the kids. Am I being unsupportive? This is such an emotional minefield, and taking a toll on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Maybe not helpful but we are making it here on 80k HHI and one child in daycare. It can be done.

I'm not sure what to say about your husband's plan. Do you see his company taking off after a few years or not? I guess its hard to say. It does seem risky and I guess I would want him to continue to search for other employment.

[Anonymous]

You won't believe how many letters I get from women like you who discover that no matter what the family's employment or financial situation -- wife works full-time, DH is starting a business/unemployed/in grad school -- their husbands inexplicably refuse to do childcare. Your first mistake was failing to select a husband who would put your professional advancement first. At the beginning of your marriage you should have demanded that your DH split all duties 50-50. Assert yourself. Risk divorce.

Lean in, OP, lean in.

[Anonymous]

Seems like his biggest concern is "having something to say when people ask what he does for a living" rather than providing for his family. You are right, OP, and he is wrong. He absolutely must be either bringing in income or taking care of the kids. My DH was unemployed for a few months and we were starting to discuss what the timeline would be - ie when we'd pull DS from daycare - and it was a lot shorter than 7 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like his biggest concern is "having something to say when people ask what he does for a living" rather than providing for his family. You are right, OP, and he is wrong. He absolutely must be either bringing in income or taking care of the kids. My DH was unemployed for a few months and we were starting to discuss what the timeline would be - ie when we'd pull DS from daycare - and it was a lot shorter than 7 months.

Well that is OP's impression of why DH is starting a business. Is this it really the case?

Either way - yes he needs to get a paying job or help with childcare.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others you are correct, OP. Also agree that this can get really emotional, so you'll need to find a way to approach this with DH will as little emotion as possible. Tell him you'd want to see how this works budget wise.
You can help by providing info on different budget items:
Food
Childcare
Utilities
Current housing
Childcare
etc
Then he has to plug all this in, and you see what you have left over. Is it enough? Are you able to save for retirement, for kids' education, etc? If it's possible for you to make cute (maybe there is cheaper housing?) than it's on HIM (i.e. the one without a full-time job) to do the legwork and demonstrate how this plan makes financial sense.
For the moment, try to keep the viability of the self-employment out of it. You are just doing nuts-and-bolts determination of how this would work month in, month out for the next year.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It chaps my ass to think of how badly a woman would be flamed in this situation yet a man gets a pass from many. 100k HHI is not high enough to be hemorrhaging those child care dollars without feeling it. Every one of those dollars could be going into an education or retirement fund OR helping him with his business' start-up costs.

[Anonymous]

It is pretty simple: paycheck or child care. If he wants to do a business which won't provide income then he will have to do it in his free time when he isn't "working" -- which is bringing home a paycheck or watching children.

I think the vast majority of people would like to do something else but it doesn't pay the bills. So we do jobs that pay the bills and things that don't in our free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi. My DH has been out of work for 7 months now (though he has been looking for a new job for about 14 months). He is demoralized at the lack of opportunities and progress, and has decided to start his own business. The business he is starting will be difficult to make profitable, but will provide him with something to say when people ask what he does for a living. He will probably work 50-60 hours a week for no salary for the next couple of years.

We have a preschooler and an infant. I make $100k. By the time taxes, 401k, and healthcare premiums come out of my paycheck, we have $60k to spend on our lives. If we keep our kids in childcare, we will spend over half of our take-home pay on just that line item, leaving about $25-$30k a year for EVERYTHING else - rent, food, clothes, etc.

We are used to an upper-middle class lifestyle, and while I'm willing to economize, I dont see any way to live in the DC metropolitan area on this. Finding a 2BR apartment for less than $1500/month is not easy without a crazy commute (that probably adds to the childcare costs). How do I get DH to understand that if we are going to keep childcare in place, he has to make at least enough to break even on that line item? He says I'm being selfish and unsupportive. I think I'm looking at math and coming to a logical conclusion - he either needs a job or needs to care for the kids. Am I being unsupportive? This is such an emotional minefield, and taking a toll on the marriage.

Don't worry about making him understand - this is a partnership - so just don't agree - stand your ground and say NOW WAY. If you work, he needs to work, and if he is not working, he needs to watch DD or DS. PERIOD! You cannot afford for either of you to start your dream business and chase rainbows and not make any money PLUS pay for daycare OMG. You need PAYCHECKS. NOW. Does he have a degree? Maybe my DH can get him a job. And please remind him that it's people with $100K or $1m or $5m in the bank who start businesses.

[Anonymous]

I'm an underemployed woman with a toddler in full time childcare. Just to play devil's advocate-it would be really hard to job search/network effectively while caring for two children full time. In my case, I've been able to pick up enough side work to cover daycare and insurance for me and child. If that work dries up, I'm not quite sure what we'll do-likely some combination of dropping down to part time daycare and picking up some temp work, even if low paid. I don't see how he can get his business off the ground while taking care of the kids full time, but it sounds like his timeline to turn a profit on that business is too long to be sustainable for your family.

Could you do something like meet with a financial advisor to map out a five year plan? It might help to have a neutral observer tell him that his plan isn't workable for the financial survival of your family. Being unemployed is so demoralizing and it can be very hard to hear your partner say stuff that sounds unsupportive-even if it's true.

[Anonymous]

Is this business a huge dream of his or something he's come up with that he thinks he would like to do?

Having two kids in daycare doesn't seem like the time to be working 50-60 hours a week on something that brings in no immediate income for the family. That seems selfish and short-sighted.

Certainly, work out a budget, talk about whether you could do it...and perhaps suggest revisiting the business idea when both kids are in elementary school. In the mean time, DH needs a job that brings in cash.

[Anonymous]

You said you are used to an "upper-middle class" lifestyle. I assume that means you spend money like you are upper middle class. If I am wrong in that assumption, I apologize. The reality, though, is that your income and situation is very Middle-middle class in this area. So, my suggestion is that you and your husband together decide what has to be cut back. I bet you can find savings in terms of eating out, buying things (clothes/shoes), vacations and even the brands of groceries you buy. Maybe you belong to a gym and need to stop for a while. All of those things should be reviewed and considered for cutback. I think that will help both of you get invested in the reality of your financial situation. To use a cliche, you sound like you have champagne taste on a beer budget and it sounds like your husband may think he is being asked to make the biggest sacrifice. I think that is untrue considering you are the sole breadwinner but he is obviously demoralized and probably a bit self-centered right now. I think that if you make cuts as a family and he feels the pinch, he may get a little motivation back. Good luck--you are in a tough position.

[Anonymous]

Tell husband he needs to go back to work at least part-time to justify child care or he needs to watch the baby and put the older one in part-time preschool that is cheaper.

[Anonymous]

PP, what about a middle ground? Can you find part-time (cheaper) daycare and/or nanny share?

It can be really hard to find a job when you've got nothing to show work-wise on your resume for an extended period of time. Harder even for a dad than a mom. If tables were turned, I wouldn't say that it was a no-brainer for the OP to stay home.

I'd suggest trying to find a way to carve out time for OP's spouse to start his own business/network/search for jobs but still cut back on daycare expenses.

[Anonymous]

Pull your kid out of daycare. Your DH then gets two choices - he secures new affordable daycare or he watches the kids.