Husband donating sperm to lesbian couple/sister in law

[Anonymous]

They will NOT be able to do a second parent adoption in VA. It is simply not allowed. Best they could do is joint guardianship, with a favorable judge. However, the Supreme Court may have something to say about that in a few months.

[Anonymous]

I am really surprised by the responses. I would be thrilled if my husband wanted to help in this way. I think it is lovely and actually know two gay couples that had sibling help to start a family. One male and one female.

[Anonymous]

It could be really helpful if the four of you could sit down with a social worker or family counselor (someone with experience with donor families, and preferably lgbt families) and have a structured conversation.

Some things to think about: will the donor relationship be open knowledge to the kids? to your family? to the world? What if you and SIL's family end up having serious disagreements about parenting? Would your husband have any say in how the donor children are raised? What if the couple wants to have more children in the future, would your husband continue to donate?

I know couples who have done this for whom it has worked great and been a happy, drama-free experience, and others for whom it has been a complete shitshow. You sound sane, and if the other three adults and your families are also sane, I think you should definitely consider it, but it is a big deal (and also, as others have pointed out, Virginia sucks).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a lovely thing to offer. However, Virginia is a deal breaker, I think (and I live in VA). Have you read about the ongoing tragedy of the couple from Vermont who had a child during a civil union in Vermont, but then one mother fled to VA and decided she was a born again Christian rather than a lesbian? Virginia courts consistently refused to recognize any rights of the mother in Vermont. Judges move around. If your husband were not the legal father of the child, his sister may be left with no legal rights at all if they ever split up. Could you and your DH bear the idea of his child being in the world without being able to see it and have any part in its life? I'm dealing with a lesser tragedy -- my brother died and his widow wants nothing to do with us -- and it breaks by heart every day to know his kids are in the world but can't really be part of our family. I'm sure your SIL thinks this could never happen, but so did the Vermont mom who hadn't seen her daughter for years.

This would be a deal-breaker for me, too. Unless you are absolutely certain that his sister will get a second party adoption (and you cannot be in VA, as the state law specifically denies same gender couples any contract rights that create "marriage-like" agreements) your SIL could lose everything after your DH signs away his parental rights. Even without a separation, VA has the right to refuse to recognize an adoption, refuse to grant medical access or decision-making ability, and refuse to recognize any legal documents relating to the child that involve your SIL. They do not recognize out-of-state marriages and they are not guaranteed to recognize out-of-state adoptions. In any other state I would say go for it, but VA is really bad. At least, wait a year for DOMA to be overturned and then another year for the VA law to be ruled unconstitutional and do it then.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not. I think being the child's uncle and bio father is too all in the family. There is something odd about being your sister's child's biological parent. I would feel the same about being an egg donor to a sibling. I think it is strange to procreate with your siblings. Big problems down the road.

[Anonymous]

10:11-a I'm surprised you're surprised, people avoid domestic adoptions for possible legal complications. This is on an altogether different level. So, my concerns for OP are legal, too. Mainly, the unknown. What would happen if the couple split, might the donor be liable for child support, etc. Can the two even live as parents in Virginia, etc. Have they consulted an attorney?

10:11-b You know couples, plural, who've done this? That's fascinating.

Also, OP, how will this play out for the children? Will it be a secret, or will the know? Another consideration.

I don't think I'd do it.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like a good idea. What's wrong with them finding an anonymous sperm donor?

[Anonymous]

We had a friend offer to donate forums after we spent over 10k trying and no luck. He ow lives with us, with his son, and our two kids that came from his donation. He is known s the uncle to our kids, he's my brother and he has no parental involvement at all. You can email me privately at [e-mail] and I can give you all the details. My partner and I have a contract with him, and she has not adopted the kids yet due to not being beneficial for us yet. I'd be glad to tell you the pros and cons of using a known family donor

[Anonymous]

It is a lovely and generous thought. To all the people who say "what if something goes wrong" I say "what if it all goes right and you all have that much more joy." Don't live in fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here
They are aware of the va problems but live several hours from a boarder state with better laws. Racing across the border would be more difficult for them. I know the laws concern them, but not sure a move is realistic for career reasons. Due to the current judge in their county, they are hopeful they would be able to have a successful second parent adoption.

My husband would be a sperm donor. He would be an uncle. Our kids would be cousins. If they broke up then they would do whatever two people do in a break up do when parenting children, donor originated or not. however, it would not be our say - we expect to have zero custody. However if something happened to them we would be happy to care for their children, the way we hope they would care for ours in a like situation. We do not expect nor want parenting say-so.

Our motivations for doing this include:
1. Allowing dh's sister to have a bio connection to the child
2. Eliminating the where did i come from curiosity that older children of anonymous donors may have and the mixed feelings about having dozens of bio half siblings
3. Providing them with sperm that comes from a donor with their desired traits/characteristics

Thanks for sharing - any more thoughts would be appreciated,

Reasons #2 and #3 seem like reasons given by someone who doesn't know how modern-day sperm cryo banks work. For one example, the donor could be anonymous until the child turns 18 (Anyone seen "The Kids Are Alright?") and more information is given about donors than most people know about themselves. Also, there are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of donors available with all types of traits/characteristics. So do it, or don't do it, but don't do it for reasons 2 and 3.

[Anonymous]

Pp, the majority of donors wish to be no contact. Additionally, that doesn't the second part of #2.

[Anonymous]

*doesn't address

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, the majority of donors wish to be no contact. Additionally, that doesn't the second part of #2.

Not to derail this thread, but many donors are open id, and the larger (i.e., reputable) cryo banks limit the number of vials collected from each donor.

[Anonymous]

I think the nos are from people who have never had to face infertility or explore alternate options for a family. OP you and your husband sound very thoughtful and awesome, Best to your family whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

If they live in Virginia, second parentadoptions are not legal. That is the law regardless if you have a liberal judge.