Husband donating sperm to lesbian couple/sister in law

[Anonymous]

Looking for thoughts/experience/issues with this scenario:
My husbands sister and partner have been together for many years and are ready to start a family. My husband's sister's partner would carry the child.

We are all financially and emotionally stable. We have always gotten along well. We live in different states and it is a few hours drive. They live in Va. We considered asking them to be the guardians for our child in the event that we were both to die, however ultimately decided to go with my husbands parents (they live in our home city).

They have not asked us directly but made it clear they are exploring their options. We are considering offering this if they are interested. We both feel reasonably good about it, but can't help but feel that we are opening up a pandoras box in an otherwise happy go lucky family. We don't have a specific reason for feeling this way, maybe we just can't believe that any situation this unusual could be successful.

[Anonymous]

It could be successful.
But a Texas court made the father pay child support because the lesbian mom was getting public assistance

[Anonymous]

They're a lesbian couple hoping to have a kid in Virginia? That's the most troublesome part of your post. Please advise them to move to the District or Maryland where the non-bio mom can do a second parent adoption. I'm a lesbian who works in Virginia, but lives in DC. When I was pregnant, I advised everyone that if I went into labor at work, they were to get me in a car and across the river ASAP. Virginia was he last place I wanted to give birth.

I'm not a big fan of known donors. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Parenting is hard enough with 2 people, let alone adding a third person into the mix. What happens if they break up? It can get really complicated? What would your dh's relationship be with the child?

Personally I'd not get dh involved. There are plenty of anonymous donors available. Just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Op here
They are aware of the va problems but live several hours from a boarder state with better laws. Racing across the border would be more difficult for them. I know the laws concern them, but not sure a move is realistic for career reasons. Due to the current judge in their county, they are hopeful they would be able to have a successful second parent adoption.

My husband would be a sperm donor. He would be an uncle. Our kids would be cousins. If they broke up then they would do whatever two people do in a break up do when parenting children, donor originated or not. however, it would not be our say - we expect to have zero custody. However if something happened to them we would be happy to care for their children, the way we hope they would care for ours in a like situation. We do not expect nor want parenting say-so.

Our motivations for doing this include:
1. Allowing dh's sister to have a bio connection to the child
2. Eliminating the where did i come from curiosity that older children of anonymous donors may have and the mixed feelings about having dozens of bio half siblings
3. Providing them with sperm that comes from a donor with their desired traits/characteristics

Thanks for sharing - any more thoughts would be appreciated,

[Anonymous]

I would not do it for possible legal complications down the road but ultimately I would leave the decision up to my husband.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised by all the responses. I would do it for all the reasons you mentioned, OP.

[Anonymous]

Congrats you have a new kid. This is an idiotic idea which could have you on the hook for child support and guilt you and him for the rest of his life. The lesbians should adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats you have a new kid. This is an idiotic idea which could have you on the hook for child support and guilt you and him for the rest of his life. The lesbians should adopt.

Or they can use anonymous donor sperm, right?

[Anonymous]

I would counsel my husband to do this in your circumstances if he was asked. As someone who had fertility issues, there are many difficult choices involved in this process and if we could help one of his siblings have a bio connection to his or her child because that connection was very important to them, I would say to do it. The parents are the ones who raise the child, not the ones who donate the genetic material. However, I can tell you as someone who used anonymous donor eggs to have my own child, a genetic connection is not that big a deal to many people. It doesn't really bother me that I don't have the same genes as my child, a fact that really surprised me after I got pregnant. I had no choice in using donor eggs because it was my only option if I wanted to have a child, and it truly, truly makes no difference in how our family feels or works. When he is older, my son may have questions, but I feel like if the information is presented thoughtfully, it is not something that will be too hard for him to handle. Don't necessarily assume that your SIL feels that a bio connection is a necessary part of this process, although if she thinks it is after carefully examining the question, what a nice offer for your husband to make.

[Anonymous]

Do not get involved. This is trouble.

[Anonymous]

I would do it. What better gift? Just get a legal agreement drawn up - he wouldn't try for custody etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a lovely thing to offer. However, Virginia is a deal breaker, I think (and I live in VA). Have you read about the ongoing tragedy of the couple from Vermont who had a child during a civil union in Vermont, but then one mother fled to VA and decided she was a born again Christian rather than a lesbian? Virginia courts consistently refused to recognize any rights of the mother in Vermont. Judges move around. If your husband were not the legal father of the child, his sister may be left with no legal rights at all if they ever split up. Could you and your DH bear the idea of his child being in the world without being able to see it and have any part in its life? I'm dealing with a lesser tragedy -- my brother died and his widow wants nothing to do with us -- and it breaks by heart every day to know his kids are in the world but can't really be part of our family. I'm sure your SIL thinks this could never happen, but so did the Vermont mom who hadn't seen her daughter for years.

[Anonymous]

I would do this for one of my siblings in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the responses.

If the bio mom took the kid after a break up, I imagine it would be devastating regardless of our genetic link. As adoptive-hopeful parents within our own foster community, we are 100% supportive of adoption and realize that parental love and genetics are not correlated. We actually tried for many years to adopt prior to deciding to have our own bio kid. Trying to adopt a child under 5 from social services was very difficult and that was as a hetero couple. My point is- to the poster that said they should adopt as if it's just that simple - it's not. Especially if VA is as lesbian hating as it sounds.

Paying child support is not a concern for a variety of financial reasons.

Anonymous donor is a very real option and one they may ultimately choose as best. This would just be an option if she wanted it.

Thanks again for the responses.

[Anonymous]

N to the O. Reasons = TNTC.