DH is making me feel bad because he says we're too old to TTC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is making me feel bad because he keeps saying that we're too old to TTC or have a baby. We're both mid-30s. He resents me because I wanted to wait until I felt ready to TTC. This is starting to get me down, because I don't feel "old" and I had a battery of medical tests to prepare for TTC and I am healthy. Low blood pressure, great bloodwork, complete cardiac and pulmonary workup, all normal. I am also still having regular periods and seem to ovulate regularly.

You're not too old - I'm 36 and pregnant with my first. My MIL had her second child naturally at age 40 and this was 25+ years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird. If he was so concerned about age, why didn't you discuss this a few years earlier? Why is he bitching about it now?

You'll probably be just fine. But IMO, if you have the choice, you really should start TTC in your late 20s/ early 30s. Waiting until later has a lot of disadvantages - more things to worry about wrt the baby & mother's health, less energy, less energetic grandparents to help out. And also important, waiting until your mid-30s means you have less time to figure out if you want a second. It also means taking time out of work mid-career, which should be prime-time for advancement.

HOWEVER, if you're really not emotionally ready for whatever reason (or your don't have a partner yet), then it's fine to wait, as long as you do it knowing the potential consequences.

He's bitching about it now b/c he's realizing how big of a decision this is and it's nerve wracking. My DH never made comments about being old but he went through an intense "mourning" period in my last trimester. I just let him mope for a while and would remind him of all the things we would be gaining in our life (he was focused on everything he would be "losing"). Eventually he realized all of his moping and negativity was counterproductive and a little bit childish and got over it.

[Anonymous]

This is about more than age, OP. Can you explain to him how unfair he's being? Didn't you make these decisions about when to TTC together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the FIFTY AND OVER forum. There' s a thread there about older parents with young kids and there are many parents who had kids in their 40's or close.

We are 47 and 51 with 17 mo twins. And we couldn't be happier.

Again, I suspect the husban's commentary isn't about the physical ability. He may NOT want to be in his late 40s with a small child. It's great that you couldn't be happier, but for some people, that's really a horrifying idea.

I understand. But if that's the reasoning, then he should have said something when they were younger and he should have established before they were married what his deal-breaker issues were. When we became engaged in our late 30's, I made it a point to establish that I wanted to have children even if we were older parents. My spouse had to think about this (had never considered having children before because we were "older") but agreed. It would have been a deal-breaker for me.

If he put this out as an issue up front, they could have discussed this. The implication from OP's original post is that he's been silently suffering (or passive aggressively suffering) and only recently started to become vocal about his objections.

[Anonymous]

He may be tired, stressed and himself feeling too old to have a child and start the 18 year process now. It sounds like he wanted a child earlier and you didn't and now you want a child and he doesn't - that doesn't make him the bad guy.

Maybe he wanted a child but realized that you might never given you kept putting it off so he got into his career or other interests and no longer feels it is the right time to have a child, just like you didn't feel it was the right time for a long time.

You both have to be on board at the same time. You weren't before, he isn't now. = no child.

[Anonymous]

He isn't making you feel bad - what is with the victim crap. You are feeling bad because you disagree. Otherwise you intentionally made him feel bad for years when he wanted a child and you weren't ready.

You don't get to dictate terms and then play victim and get mad when someone disagrees, in something as important as having a child

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't feel old, and I know that mid-30's is pretty typical to have a first child around here.

DH resents me for making him wait so long. He has always wanted a child, and I have been ambivalent for years. He now feels that we're too old, but still wants to proceed. I am only now starting to feel ready, whereas before I was not ready at all. But now that I am ready, it stresses me out to hear that I'm too old.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my head around this situation. Lots of times one person is ready before the other, but then when the other IS ready, I have a hard time believing that the person who was so ready to begin with thinks...we're too old?! How was this conclusion reached without some kind of discussion? As in "honey, I know you want to wait a little while longer, but I really feel like it will be too late, and we will be too old". To me, that would be a minimum baseline discussion to have...it sounds like you both need to work on your communication along with TTC. Obviously you're not too old, it sounds to me like something else is going on here...

[Anonymous]

I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't feel old, and I know that mid-30's is pretty typical to have a first child around here.

DH resents me for making him wait so long. He has always wanted a child, and I have been ambivalent for years. He now feels that we're too old, but still wants to proceed. I am only now starting to feel ready, whereas before I was not ready at all. But now that I am ready, it stresses me out to hear that I'm too old.

What a jerk ("D"H, not you). Of all the directions you don't need crap about your age, from your SPOUSE?

On one hand, yeah, past 35 is AMA, blah blah bad things bad bad scary fearmongering. OTOH, you weren't ready then and you are now, and if there's anywhere in the world where the medical establishment knows how to handle and the culture won't blink at a mid-30s pregnant woman, it's a major American city like DC.

What does he think you all are "too old" for? Does he know any other couples with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

Because he is trying to make her feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

OP here. Even though I am AMA now, I don't feel too old to start TTC. In fact, I always saw myself as an older mom--having my first in my late 30's or early 40's. I really admire older moms and would not have felt ready any younger. I only want one child, so that makes things a bit easier when starting so late. My perspective is that I needed my 20's and early 30's as a time to finish grad school, start a career, and have fun. I was able to get it "out of my system" so now I can focus on being a parent and not being wistful of more youthful times. I know I delayed starting to TTC past his comfort point, but I was so ambivalent before that I could not imagine being pregnant or starting a family. Now I can. My DH is not ambivalent--he very much wants to have a child, whether it's the natural way, or by adoption. He definitely wants to start a family, but he is upset that we waited so long because he saw himself as a younger dad and he wanted more than one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

OP here. Even though I am AMA now, I don't feel too old to start TTC. In fact, I always saw myself as an older mom--having my first in my late 30's or early 40's. I really admire older moms and would not have felt ready any younger. I only want one child, so that makes things a bit easier when starting so late. My perspective is that I needed my 20's and early 30's as a time to finish grad school, start a career, and have fun. I was able to get it "out of my system" so now I can focus on being a parent and not being wistful of more youthful times. I know I delayed starting to TTC past his comfort point, but I was so ambivalent before that I could not imagine being pregnant or starting a family. Now I can. My DH is not ambivalent--he very much wants to have a child, whether it's the natural way, or by adoption. He definitely wants to start a family, but he is upset that we waited so long because he saw himself as a younger dad and he wanted more than one child.

His reasons are as valid as yours. Why was having a child only about what you were comfortable with and what you wanted and when you wanted to be ready. did you tell him when you met and before you married that you only wanted children late in life. Your husband has been longing for a family and wanting to be a father and you denied him this and now expect him to just shut up and be happy that you are ready and going to give him a child on your timing. You sound very selfish and as though you have no understanding, empathy or compassion for what this has been like for your husband. You expect him to care about what you want but you didn't care at all about what he wanted. Of course he is going to be resentful and unhappy - he is a man who is upset because you denied him what he wanted. If you made this clear before marriage that you wanted to have a career and have fun and not have kids until your 40s then fine, but if he went into marriage thinking you were on board with having a family and then you pulled that you weren't sure and might never be ready and made everything else but having a family your priority, he has every right to be incredibly hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

OP here. Even though I am AMA now, I don't feel too old to start TTC. In fact, I always saw myself as an older mom--having my first in my late 30's or early 40's. I really admire older moms and would not have felt ready any younger. I only want one child, so that makes things a bit easier when starting so late. My perspective is that I needed my 20's and early 30's as a time to finish grad school, start a career, and have fun. I was able to get it "out of my system" so now I can focus on being a parent and not being wistful of more youthful times. I know I delayed starting to TTC past his comfort point, but I was so ambivalent before that I could not imagine being pregnant or starting a family. Now I can. My DH is not ambivalent--he very much wants to have a child, whether it's the natural way, or by adoption. He definitely wants to start a family, but he is upset that we waited so long because he saw himself as a younger dad and he wanted more than one child.

His reasons are as valid as yours. Why was having a child only about what you were comfortable with and what you wanted and when you wanted to be ready. did you tell him when you met and before you married that you only wanted children late in life. Your husband has been longing for a family and wanting to be a father and you denied him this and now expect him to just shut up and be happy that you are ready and going to give him a child on your timing. You sound very selfish and as though you have no understanding, empathy or compassion for what this has been like for your husband. You expect him to care about what you want but you didn't care at all about what he wanted. Of course he is going to be resentful and unhappy - he is a man who is upset because you denied him what he wanted. If you made this clear before marriage that you wanted to have a career and have fun and not have kids until your 40s then fine, but if he went into marriage thinking you were on board with having a family and then you pulled that you weren't sure and might never be ready and made everything else but having a family your priority, he has every right to be incredibly hurt.

OP here. I understand what you're saying, but the reason why having a child should be more about what I am comfortable with is two reasons: 1) because he works 80 hours a week, works some entire weekends as well (and I feel lonely and resentful about being alone so much due to his hours now, as a childless couple, and I can only imagine how this resentment will increase when we have a child), and so I am going to be the one doing the bulk of raising the child. He is in the same general profession as my father, and I rarely saw my father growing up because he was always working, exhausted after working, and working weekends.

Reason #2 is that I have a medical issue that will make my pregnancy a high risk one, and will likely result in permanent medical damage to me, and the pregnancy will definitely result in many panic attacks and high anxiety due to the medical condition and how it is affecting my pregnancy. This was a huge part of my ambivalnce for so many years--being scared to get pregnant due to the high risk nature of the pregnancy. Over the last few years, I have been to a number of specialists, had lots of comprehensive medical testing done, and they all basically said that they could not predict how the medical issue will affect the pregnancy, but that they felt it was safe to get pregnant. That has not been very reassuring to me, and I needed to reach the point where my desire to give my husband the child that he wants overcame my ambivalence to have a child, for this and several other reasons. If my DH wasn't chomping at the bit to start a family, I would probably delay TTC until my late 30's or early 40's, or at least until I had an overwhelming desire to start a family. My DH knows how worried and scared I am about the idea of pregnancy due to this high risk issue, and knows that is a big reason why I have delayed it for so many years. Now I am willing to go through with it for him, to give him the family that he wants. I feel that he should take that into consideration when he is making me feel bad for being so "old" as he says.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like DH is grieving the loss of a family as he pictured it and is angry that you get to have everything about your family on your terms without even acknowledging that your vapid-sounding reasons cost him something that meant a great deal to him. Which isn't to say your reasons are perfectly valid, but you in reality cost him a lot--the possibility of more than one child, years of retirement, precious time with kids and grandkids because you wanted to party. I think you owe him an acknowledgement of his pain and sacrifice a least. Instead, you seem to be annoyed that he insists on feeling even slightly different than you do.