DH is making me feel bad because he says we're too old to TTC

[Anonymous]

Your reasons *are not valid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your reasons *are not valid

Why not? I think they're perfectly valid, especially the medical and long work hours one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like DH is grieving the loss of a family as he pictured it and is angry that you get to have everything about your family on your terms without even acknowledging that your vapid-sounding reasons cost him something that meant a great deal to him. Which isn't to say your reasons are perfectly valid, but you in reality cost him a lot--the possibility of more than one child, years of retirement, precious time with kids and grandkids because you wanted to party. I think you owe him an acknowledgement of his pain and sacrifice a least. Instead, you seem to be annoyed that he insists on feeling even slightly different than you do.

I agree with this OP. You need to acknowledge how he feels. Maybe the long hours were to fill the void in his life, the hurt he felt at not having kids. You were off doing what you wanted to do, your own thing - getting it out of your system as you say. Lots of people become workaholics to numb emotions, to distract. he may also not have known if you were ever going to be ready so he might as well build his career. He can't just work family friendly hours his whole life in the hopes that maybe someday you will want a child. At least this way if you had never been ready he would have his career.

The medical issue sounds concerning however I don't understand how waiting longer and until you are older is better for this condition. It sounds like it could be both physically and emotionally harmful to have a child - yet your doctor has given you the all clear?

You need to respect that he has emotions too. You are hurt over his choice of words? Think how hurt he is over your choice of priorities in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't feel old, and I know that mid-30's is pretty typical to have a first child around here.

DH resents me for making him wait so long. He has always wanted a child, and I have been ambivalent for years. He now feels that we're too old, but still wants to proceed. I am only now starting to feel ready, whereas before I was not ready at all. But now that I am ready, it stresses me out to hear that I'm too old.

I hope you don't have problems conceiving due to age (I know most people age 35 are fine - but a lot aren't) because then your husband would really be upset with you. It's too bad you waited, wasting time, however it's great that you are both in agreement now. I think you should try as hard as possible starting immediately - use ovulation kits so that you know when it is the 'right' time of the month. No time to waste, just in case...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Even though I am AMA now, I don't feel too old to start TTC. In fact, I always saw myself as an older mom--having my first in my late 30's or early 40's. I really admire older moms and would not have felt ready any younger. I only want one child, so that makes things a bit easier when starting so late. My perspective is that I needed my 20's and early 30's as a time to finish grad school, start a career, and have fun. I was able to get it "out of my system" so now I can focus on being a parent and not being wistful of more youthful times. I know I delayed starting to TTC past his comfort point, but I was so ambivalent before that I could not imagine being pregnant or starting a family. Now I can. My DH is not ambivalent--he very much wants to have a child, whether it's the natural way, or by adoption. He definitely wants to start a family, but he is upset that we waited so long because he saw himself as a younger dad and he wanted more than one child.

His reasons are as valid as yours. Why was having a child only about what you were comfortable with and what you wanted and when you wanted to be ready. did you tell him when you met and before you married that you only wanted children late in life. Your husband has been longing for a family and wanting to be a father and you denied him this and now expect him to just shut up and be happy that you are ready and going to give him a child on your timing. You sound very selfish and as though you have no understanding, empathy or compassion for what this has been like for your husband. You expect him to care about what you want but you didn't care at all about what he wanted. Of course he is going to be resentful and unhappy - he is a man who is upset because you denied him what he wanted. If you made this clear before marriage that you wanted to have a career and have fun and not have kids until your 40s then fine, but if he went into marriage thinking you were on board with having a family and then you pulled that you weren't sure and might never be ready and made everything else but having a family your priority, he has every right to be incredibly hurt.

Did OP tell him that she only wanted one child at an older age?
I hope it all works out OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

OP here. Even though I am AMA now, I don't feel too old to start TTC. In fact, I always saw myself as an older mom--having my first in my late 30's or early 40's. I really admire older moms and would not have felt ready any younger. I only want one child, so that makes things a bit easier when starting so late. My perspective is that I needed my 20's and early 30's as a time to finish grad school, start a career, and have fun. I was able to get it "out of my system" so now I can focus on being a parent and not being wistful of more youthful times. I know I delayed starting to TTC past his comfort point, but I was so ambivalent before that I could not imagine being pregnant or starting a family. Now I can. My DH is not ambivalent--he very much wants to have a child, whether it's the natural way, or by adoption. He definitely wants to start a family, but he is upset that we waited so long because he saw himself as a younger dad and he wanted more than one child.

His reasons are as valid as yours. Why was having a child only about what you were comfortable with and what you wanted and when you wanted to be ready. did you tell him when you met and before you married that you only wanted children late in life. Your husband has been longing for a family and wanting to be a father and you denied him this and now expect him to just shut up and be happy that you are ready and going to give him a child on your timing. You sound very selfish and as though you have no understanding, empathy or compassion for what this has been like for your husband. You expect him to care about what you want but you didn't care at all about what he wanted. Of course he is going to be resentful and unhappy - he is a man who is upset because you denied him what he wanted. If you made this clear before marriage that you wanted to have a career and have fun and not have kids until your 40s then fine, but if he went into marriage thinking you were on board with having a family and then you pulled that you weren't sure and might never be ready and made everything else but having a family your priority, he has every right to be incredibly hurt.

OP here. I understand what you're saying, but the reason why having a child should be more about what I am comfortable with is two reasons: 1) because he works 80 hours a week, works some entire weekends as well (and I feel lonely and resentful about being alone so much due to his hours now, as a childless couple, and I can only imagine how this resentment will increase when we have a child), and so I am going to be the one doing the bulk of raising the child. He is in the same general profession as my father, and I rarely saw my father growing up because he was always working, exhausted after working, and working weekends.

Reason #2 is that I have a medical issue that will make my pregnancy a high risk one, and will likely result in permanent medical damage to me, and the pregnancy will definitely result in many panic attacks and high anxiety due to the medical condition and how it is affecting my pregnancy. This was a huge part of my ambivalnce for so many years--being scared to get pregnant due to the high risk nature of the pregnancy. Over the last few years, I have been to a number of specialists, had lots of comprehensive medical testing done, and they all basically said that they could not predict how the medical issue will affect the pregnancy, but that they felt it was safe to get pregnant. That has not been very reassuring to me, and I needed to reach the point where my desire to give my husband the child that he wants overcame my ambivalence to have a child, for this and several other reasons. If my DH wasn't chomping at the bit to start a family, I would probably delay TTC until my late 30's or early 40's, or at least until I had an overwhelming desire to start a family. My DH knows how worried and scared I am about the idea of pregnancy due to this high risk issue, and knows that is a big reason why I have delayed it for so many years. Now I am willing to go through with it for him, to give him the family that he wants. I feel that he should take that into consideration when he is making me feel bad for being so "old" as he says.

Your DH was right that having the baby at a younger age would have been best due to your medical condition! Advancing age only makes these things harder!!
You would wait until late 30's or early 40's if your DH wasn't anxious - really? Poor chance of pregnancy success at that age!!

[Anonymous]

OP, are you and your husband back on board together to TTC? good luck

[Anonymous]

A baby will change your relationship in a great way! If he is not ready, please talk it over. If any of you has doubt then it might not be the ideal. Just stay up for few weeks in a roll and ask him to take care of you completely then see how your relationship will go? Just a suggestion.

[Anonymous]

What's up with the weirdly hostile posters on this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's up with the weirdly hostile posters on this thread?

Maybe some feel that the husband has been given the short end of the stick (because she wasn't upfront it seems).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A baby will change your relationship in a great way! If he is not ready, please talk it over. If any of you has doubt then it might not be the ideal. Just stay up for few weeks in a roll and ask him to take care of you completely then see how your relationship will go? Just a suggestion.

Lol +1

[Anonymous]

Maybe DH is worried about you and your health. Did that ever cross your mind? Perhaps the passage of time has made him less risk averse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't feel old, and I know that mid-30's is pretty typical to have a first child around here.

DH resents me for making him wait so long. He has always wanted a child, and I have been ambivalent for years. He now feels that we're too old, but still wants to proceed. I am only now starting to feel ready, whereas before I was not ready at all. But now that I am ready, it stresses me out to hear that I'm too old.

You are not too old. Is DH just giving you a hard time? So many around here have babies at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 and there is no way I would want to start now. I am not too old physically -as in many woman do have children in their 30s. I wanted children earlier but it didn't happen and now it is too late for me. I get your husband.

Has he explained what he means by too old? Maybe he just feels you are both too old to start now - not that you are old or can't get pregnant but just too old to start TTC.

Past 35 is considered advanced maternal age. there are increased risks and chances of complications. That doesn't mean you can't still easily get pregnant or have children but there is more to consider.

You were ambivalent for years, now he is. I don't get why your ambivalence is fine but his isn't. Some people have kids at 20 and 21, others feel that is too young for them. Some people have kids at 40, others feel that is too old for them. You have to have kids at an age and stage in life that works for both of you and it sounds like you delayed it past his comfort point.

OP here. Even though I am AMA now, I don't feel too old to start TTC. In fact, I always saw myself as an older mom--having my first in my late 30's or early 40's. I really admire older moms and would not have felt ready any younger. I only want one child, so that makes things a bit easier when starting so late. My perspective is that I needed my 20's and early 30's as a time to finish grad school, start a career, and have fun. I was able to get it "out of my system" so now I can focus on being a parent and not being wistful of more youthful times. I know I delayed starting to TTC past his comfort point, but I was so ambivalent before that I could not imagine being pregnant or starting a family. Now I can. My DH is not ambivalent--he very much wants to have a child, whether it's the natural way, or by adoption. He definitely wants to start a family, but he is upset that we waited so long because he saw himself as a younger dad and he wanted more than one child.

His reasons are as valid as yours. Why was having a child only about what you were comfortable with and what you wanted and when you wanted to be ready. did you tell him when you met and before you married that you only wanted children late in life. Your husband has been longing for a family and wanting to be a father and you denied him this and now expect him to just shut up and be happy that you are ready and going to give him a child on your timing. You sound very selfish and as though you have no understanding, empathy or compassion for what this has been like for your husband. You expect him to care about what you want but you didn't care at all about what he wanted. Of course he is going to be resentful and unhappy - he is a man who is upset because you denied him what he wanted. If you made this clear before marriage that you wanted to have a career and have fun and not have kids until your 40s then fine, but if he went into marriage thinking you were on board with having a family and then you pulled that you weren't sure and might never be ready and made everything else but having a family your priority, he has every right to be incredibly hurt.

OP here. I understand what you're saying, but the reason why having a child should be more about what I am comfortable with is two reasons: 1) because he works 80 hours a week, works some entire weekends as well (and I feel lonely and resentful about being alone so much due to his hours now, as a childless couple, and I can only imagine how this resentment will increase when we have a child), and so I am going to be the one doing the bulk of raising the child. He is in the same general profession as my father, and I rarely saw my father growing up because he was always working, exhausted after working, and working weekends.

Reason #2 is that I have a medical issue that will make my pregnancy a high risk one, and will likely result in permanent medical damage to me, and the pregnancy will definitely result in many panic attacks and high anxiety due to the medical condition and how it is affecting my pregnancy. This was a huge part of my ambivalnce for so many years--being scared to get pregnant due to the high risk nature of the pregnancy. Over the last few years, I have been to a number of specialists, had lots of comprehensive medical testing done, and they all basically said that they could not predict how the medical issue will affect the pregnancy, but that they felt it was safe to get pregnant. That has not been very reassuring to me, and I needed to reach the point where my desire to give my husband the child that he wants overcame my ambivalence to have a child, for this and several other reasons. If my DH wasn't chomping at the bit to start a family, I would probably delay TTC until my late 30's or early 40's, or at least until I had an overwhelming desire to start a family. My DH knows how worried and scared I am about the idea of pregnancy due to this high risk issue, and knows that is a big reason why I have delayed it for so many years. Now I am willing to go through with it for him, to give him the family that he wants. I feel that he should take that into consideration when he is making me feel bad for being so "old" as he says.

[Anonymous]

OP, now that you have revealed that you have a medical problem, which sounds fairly serious, perhaps he loves you and does not want to risk your health and the baby's?