Am I insane to be TTC when my first child is 9?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

Right. But if your child is in college when you are older, you hare likely to have much higher savings, paid your mortgage etc. Bottom line, old people have more money. In fact, financial aspect is the one that works for older parents. There are plenty which don't (health, energy etc) but money is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 44. Husband wants a second child. I do too, but am terrified about how everything will change in our lives since our first child is 9 years old.. We tried for a second one three years ago using IVF, but it failed, and we didn't try again because my father was seriously ill and there was other upheaval in our lives (job loss, etc). Now things are stable financially, dad is doing okay, everything seems manageable again, and DH wants to try again for #2. Is this crazy? Has anyone else done this - two kids with a 9-10 year gap? We would use a donor egg, since I'm almost 45. Could anyone share their stories?

Thanks.

DH's mom had her second child at 45, 25 years ago (which was 10 years after she had him). I don't think being older parents was too taxing on them, they are very active and love their children. I'm sure it sucked being the oldest by far parents in their small town, but you won't have to worry about that here! They retired while their second sibling was in college (a very expensive college) and are still helping out the sibling financially, which I personally think sucks. DH's sibling is very spoiled and gets a lot of financial assistance from them that my DH never received (he never asked for help, his sibling always asks despite not needing it, and his parents are too kind to say no). So while this may be a personality thing between the siblings, just beware that you could be in your late 60s and still paying off your child's student loans, helping them move, buying them big ticket items, etc... Mind you, DH's parents have never, ever complained about this, and still have enough money to enjoy their retirement, but I do feel like the younger sibling is taking advantage of them (but honestly, that could happen at ANY parental age).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

Doesn't always work that way. There are plenty of older folks without money.

Right. But if your child is in college when you are older, you hare likely to have much higher savings, paid your mortgage etc. Bottom line, old people have more money. In fact, financial aspect is the one that works for older parents. There are plenty which don't (health, energy etc) but money is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

Right. But if your child is in college when you are older, you hare likely to have much higher savings, paid your mortgage etc. Bottom line, old people have more money. In fact, financial aspect is the one that works for older parents. There are plenty which don't (health, energy etc) but money is not one of them.

Doesn't always work that way. You can't possibly believe that all old people have a ton of money, can you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. My siblings are 10 and 12 yrs younger than me, and from my perspective, at least, it hasn't been awesome. My brother was 5 when I left for college, and we've never had a real sibling relationship. Aunt-nephew, just like the PP said. My parents asked me to take on too much responsibility for them early on, and though I love them very, very much, I've always been resentful. Having said all that, I wouldn't trade them for anything, and my parents are crazy about all 3 of us. If you decide to go forward, please be *very* thoughtful about how you treat the sibling relationship, and respect the childhood of your oldest.

I actually have a great relationship with my 10 year older sister. She, too, left for college when I was six, but I know she had a lot of fun with me (she tells me now, and believe me we are completely honest about positive and negative things about each other). She used to ask my parents to drop me off for a weekend visit while she was in college and take care of me for a weekend, it was a big novelty thing for her, and she got to do kid things that her friends would have made fun of her for and use me as an excuse! And I think that experience of having a much younger sibling has made her an amazing mom to her now teenagers because she saw me through a lot of my teen angst! She and I have always been close, and our relationship has only gotten better as we've gotten older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

Right. But if your child is in college when you are older, you hare likely to have much higher savings, paid your mortgage etc. Bottom line, old people have more money. In fact, financial aspect is the one that works for older parents. There are plenty which don't (health, energy etc) but money is not one of them.

Doesn't always work that way. You can't possibly believe that all old people have a ton of money, can you?

Since you are already ware that I can't possibly believe that nonsense, why are you suggesting that I actually do? Every statistics shows that, as a general rule, the older you are, the more money you have. On average, of course, with many exceptions. Older people have lived for longer and had more time to build careers and save money. Raising children when you are older is harder in many ways, but actually easier financially... In fact, that's why many people (perhaps foolishly but nevertheless accurately as far as facts are concerned) postpone having children.

The problem, if you want to call it that, is not college, but older age... for example, those who had young parents might still have their parents alive when they are in their forties and those parents might be willing to help them with mortgage etc. So there are financial advantages to that, but they happen later in life. However, during the part of life when children need their parents' financial support the most, it is the children of older parents that are at the advantage (so to speak).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

Right. But if your child is in college when you are older, you hare likely to have much higher savings, paid your mortgage etc. Bottom line, old people have more money. In fact, financial aspect is the one that works for older parents. There are plenty which don't (health, energy etc) but money is not one of them.

Doesn't always work that way. You can't possibly believe that all old people have a ton of money, can you?

Since you are already ware that I can't possibly believe that nonsense, why are you suggesting that I actually do? Every statistics shows that, as a general rule, the older you are, the more money you have. On average, of course, with many exceptions. Older people have lived for longer and had more time to build careers and save money. Raising children when you are older is harder in many ways, but actually easier financially... In fact, that's why many people (perhaps foolishly but nevertheless accurately as far as facts are concerned) postpone having children.

The problem, if you want to call it that, is not college, but older age... for example, those who had young parents might still have their parents alive when they are in their forties and those parents might be willing to help them with mortgage etc. So there are financial advantages to that, but they happen later in life. However, during the part of life when children need their parents' financial support the most, it is the children of older parents that are at the advantage (so to speak).

If you don't believe that, then you shouldn't say things like "Bottom line, old people have more money." You are speaking from an upper-middle class skewed view of the world. You are also assuming that people held off having kids to save up lots of money. Some of us didn't have a choice about when to have kids due to a late marriage or infertility (which happens to cost thousands and thousands of dollars), not because we were saving up to be wealthy old people.

[Anonymous]

I had my second when I was 45 and it was such a wonderful decision. Watching my two children play together is such a joy, even though there's a substantial age gap. If you have the love (and the money to afford DE) then go for it!

[Anonymous]

Our nieces are ten years apart and adore each other.

[Anonymous]

My older siblings are 8, 10, and 11 years older than me. I also have a sibling 1 year younger.

I love having older siblings, and am as close to my older siblings as I am to my brother who is closer in age. One of our parents died when I was in my early 20s, and my siblings were really a blessing at that time and through the decade since. Obviously, you cannot replace a parent, but having other family bonds definitely helps fill some of the void. (I also think going through the experience of a parent's terminal illness probably made us closer as adults than me might otherwise have been due to the age gap).

It's impossible to predict what type of relationship your children might have -- one of my older brothers doted on me since birth, while the other is to this day a bit more distant, for example -- but I don't think that's a reason not to go for it. My good friend has two sons eleven years apart - they are half brothers - who, despite the big age difference, have a very special relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it.

Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college?

I suspect it's because you may be retiring/reducing income when a huge expense arises?

Aren't you supposed to have saved for that already?

It seems to me you can plan based on having the kid or not. If your child goes to college while you are still working part of the expense can come from your income (like childcare/daycare costs come from your income). If your child is going to be in college when you are retiring then you will need to plan for that. assuming your plan includes paying for all/part of college.

Right. But if your child is in college when you are older, you hare likely to have much higher savings, paid your mortgage etc. Bottom line, old people have more money. In fact, financial aspect is the one that works for older parents. There are plenty which don't (health, energy etc) but money is not one of them.

Doesn't always work that way. You can't possibly believe that all old people have a ton of money, can you?

Since you are already ware that I can't possibly believe that nonsense, why are you suggesting that I actually do? Every statistics shows that, as a general rule, the older you are, the more money you have. On average, of course, with many exceptions. Older people have lived for longer and had more time to build careers and save money. Raising children when you are older is harder in many ways, but actually easier financially... In fact, that's why many people (perhaps foolishly but nevertheless accurately as far as facts are concerned) postpone having children.

The problem, if you want to call it that, is not college, but older age... for example, those who had young parents might still have their parents alive when they are in their forties and those parents might be willing to help them with mortgage etc. So there are financial advantages to that, but they happen later in life. However, during the part of life when children need their parents' financial support the most, it is the children of older parents that are at the advantage (so to speak).

If you don't believe that, then you shouldn't say things like "Bottom line, old people have more money." You are speaking from an upper-middle class skewed view of the world. You are also assuming that people held off having kids to save up lots of money. Some of us didn't have a choice about when to have kids due to a late marriage or infertility (which happens to cost thousands and thousands of dollars), not because we were saving up to be wealthy old people.

For some reason, you are going out of your way to misunderstand what I sad and act all hurt and offended. It is a normal part of language that generalizations are made with implicit understanding that they do not apply to 100% cases. As for this particular generalization, it holds way beyond "upper middle class" (btw, you have no clue what class I am in). Finally, I only said that some people postpone childbearing for financial reasons, and some, indeed do (whether you are among them is of no interest to me) - not to mention that the whole point of stating that fact was to underscore the rule that, indeed, older parents tend to have more money to spend on their children.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. This always seems to be the one DCUM forum on which the posters are insightful and supportive, as well as generous in sharing their experiences. I havYou gave me some good food for thought. Thanks again!