Am I insane to be TTC when my first child is 9?
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Anonymous
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I'm 44. Husband wants a second child. I do too, but am terrified about how everything will change in our lives since our first child is 9 years old.. We tried for a second one three years ago using IVF, but it failed, and we didn't try again because my father was seriously ill and there was other upheaval in our lives (job loss, etc). Now things are stable financially, dad is doing okay, everything seems manageable again, and DH wants to try again for #2. Is this crazy? Has anyone else done this - two kids with a 9-10 year gap? We would use a donor egg, since I'm almost 45. Could anyone share their stories? Thanks. |
Anonymous
| I don't know about the TTC at 44 part, but I have three siblings who are 6, 8 and 10 years older than me and as an adult I barely know them, but they all feel like they are part of a family. I felt like I was watching them from the outside looking in when growing up and didn't feel like we were ever in the same space, if that makes sense. Their memories of their childhoods are completely different than mine, too. I almost have an "uncle-niece" relationship with my brother, who is the oldest. I'm not saying any of this is bad, but I'm not sure it's best for kids to have such a large gap. |
Anonymous
| Agree with PP. My siblings are 10 and 12 yrs younger than me, and from my perspective, at least, it hasn't been awesome. My brother was 5 when I left for college, and we've never had a real sibling relationship. Aunt-nephew, just like the PP said. My parents asked me to take on too much responsibility for them early on, and though I love them very, very much, I've always been resentful. Having said all that, I wouldn't trade them for anything, and my parents are crazy about all 3 of us. If you decide to go forward, please be *very* thoughtful about how you treat the sibling relationship, and respect the childhood of your oldest. |
Anonymous
| This is 22:07 -- also think hard about what it will be like to be 65 with a child in college. There was an interesting piece in Slate or NYTimes or something a few weeks ago about being a child with older parents. You can probably google it. |
Anonymous
| I have siblings 12 and 17 years older and it has been great. We are extremely close (I talk to my 17 years older sister pretty much every day). |
Anonymous
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My children are 5 years apart (boy and girl): they have never fought or been jealous of each other, and they love and support each other tremendously.
My mother, last of 7 children, is 10 years younger than her older sister. While they had completely different childhoods (my mother's was worse, actually), they are quite close. I think if you and your husband really want another child, and you are financially stable, then go for it. My husband had DC2 at 50, so no comment on your age! |
Anonymous
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My sister is 3 years younger than me; my brother is 10 years younger. Truth be told, I am closer to my brother than my sister. Yes, he was 8 when I left for college, so clearly we don't have the same bank of childhood vacation memories. However, we have grown very close over the years. Our personalities are just much more similar than my personality and my sister's personality.
Point is, proximity in age doesn't always mean emotional closeness is guaranteed! |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful replies. We have considered the ramifications of having a college age kid at 65 - agreed, not ideal, but not a deal-breaker either. I guess the way I look at it is: is it better to have no sibling at all than to have a sibling who is 10 years younger? As I deal with my parents growing older and other life changes, I am so grateful to have a sibling (who is 5 years younger) to talk things over with, help make decisions about parents, etc. It makes me sad to think of my child growing up without that. DC is a wonderful kid and will be happy in life whatever happens, but I think having a sibling is important. And of course, it would be a great joy for us. Thanks again. I welcome any other replies. |
Anonymous
| My husband has siblings who are 7 and 14 years younger than him. His mom was 41 when the youngest was born. His siblings mean the world to him. To be fair, their relationship is somewhere between a typical sibling and an extra parent, but it is still special. |
Anonymous
Our child is 8 and we are TTC again. As time has gone on and our family situations have changed - including extended family - I have realized that I do want siblings for my child. I grew up with siblings that were 12 and 13 years older than me. No, I didn't really know them growing up but now that my parents are gone and we are all adults we are in fact much closer. |
Anonymous
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I have a just turned 14 yr old, a 2.5yr old, and a 6 mo old. We have been very careful to expect no help in childcare or basic care from the 14 year old when it comes to the babies. He loves to play with each of them but does it 99% on his own terms. Twice in the 2.5 year old's life, when she was going through very stable sleep stages, we had the him stay with her 8-11 while we went to a movie and he got to watch a movie of his own, order a pizza and hang on his own. She didnt wake up either of those times and we paid him for babysitting. He consistently initiates contact with both the toddler and the baby without any prompting at all. I love this because it cancels out his 14 year old quiet moody stuff and we get a glimpse of the happy boy thing while he interacts with them. I also think it has been really wonderful to watch him realizing that all of the loving routines we do with the little ones are ones we did with him. He remembers the way we used to put lotion on him before bed, the song we sang, the game we played to get suntan lotion on at the beach, etc. At a time in his life where he is naturally breaking away a bit and finding some independence, he is also getting daily reminders of how much we have loved him and still do. This has been the best part for me to watch as a mom.
It is tricky sometimes to handle the logistics with all of them, and it would be easy to lean on the 14 year old for help or not give him the parenting he still needs ( and says he doesnt of course!) but if you can manage all of that, I say go for it! I would also just say that having a toddler and a teenager ( which I think you would have) is emotionally exhausting some days. There have been days where neither of them made any sense at all - like irrational boundary pushing hormonal stuff....these are not good days. So I have a glass of wine handy on these days. I dont think everyone thinks about this possibility. I know I didnt!! |
Anonymous
| Hey OP, I have a 9yr old turning 10 in January and I'm TTC too. I'm 42. Good Luck to all of us.! |
Anonymous
Can you post a link. So far I've found only articles that are about a year old. This one says older parents are happier: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/10/fashion/10Studied.html And this one asks if there is anything wrong with being an older parent: http://nymag.com/news/features/mothers-over-50-2011-10/ I am 35 but looks like I might be 36 (or older) before we can get anything to stick and I do worry about this often (given most of my friends had early 30s babies) |
Anonymous
| I am 40, and my DD is 21 and we are now trying for #2 (which will be my husband's first bio-child). My daughter whole heartedly encourages it! It should be an interesting journey. And to answer your question, I do NOT think you are insane. We have been together for 8 years and had to keep delaying things for similar reasons (one parent had cancer, job loss etc). So, we finally decided to stop putting it off and are going for it. |
Anonymous
Not the OP (and unlikely to be 65 with a child in college) but I really don't get what is the big deal with that combination. Why is it so much better to be in the midst of career when the kid is in college? |