How can I tell my 10YO DD that I have cancer

[Anonymous]

That doesn't address the issue of doing something that could give your wife added anxiety. The last thing you want right now is marital strife. A major diagnosis can cause it, even when the prognosis is rosy like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all due respect, children do not always respond the way adults tell them, especially about things like death, divorce, cancer.

Not sharing that this is cancer is in my mind not hiding given the prognosis. If the prognosis were less favorable, I would tell my child over the summer.

With this fact set, I would not tell my child.

Good luck to you, OP.

Won't work. If everyone is tiptoeing around the house and the grandparents show up tense and spoil her... she'll know and the hidden nature of it will have repercussions on behavior and her sense of security. Your wife can't protect her from this.

You don't have to tell everything, but you should tell her something and let her help take care of you during recovery. I presume they found this tumor very early, so that your prognosis truly is excellent? Is there chemo in the offing? You can't hide that. The American Cancer Society has great advice on talking to kids. Use it.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, we told our nine year old. We certainly didn't tell him everything, only that dad has cancer, it would be removed, and he'd have chemo and radiation. We said that hopefully after that it would be gone for good, but if it wasn't, we'd worry about that then. Mostly this has worked. Our child does ask questions, particularly about his dad's physical limitations (you don't always bounce back from chemo).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here - I was diagnosed with cancer when my children were young, and I did tell them in a basic, straightforward way. Such as, they are bad cells in x part of my body called "cancer" - drs will remove the bad cells via surgery and I will have to be in hospital for awhile and when I come home it may be a bit painful for me so no jumping on me, etc for awhile - then I have "strong medicine" called chemotherapy which further kills any leftover bad cells in my body - the strong medicine helps my body fight the cancer but will cause some funny things to happen to me like my hair will fall out and I will wear "fake hair" called a wig - showed them the wig - and kept emphasizing that my doctors think I will be okay and that cancer is not contagious -- that's the nutshell version of what I said, at least There are some great books out there which help with these discussions - I'm sorry I can't recall the titles, but I know I ordered them on amazon (I think I was pointed to the books by the American Cancer Society website). At 10 I think your child is old enough to know, and frankly deserves to know, the truth. You can be as matter of fact about it as possible and reassure her with the positive facts you've been told. Kids don't hear the word "cancer" and associate the same level of fear as we do as adults. My kids are younger than yours, and besides me, their mom, they know two other adults who had cancer and survived, so my kids for example don't equate the word cancer with a death sentence.

Gosh. I shouldn't have bothered posting, since you said it so much better.

The one thing I will add, OP, is if you don't tell your child a sufficient amount, and make her feel like she shouldn't ask.... I promise you: someone else in her life somewhere (or even on the news) will receive a terrible diagnosis and she'll go into a tailspin without having anywhere safe to turn.

Good luck, and may you be in the 90 percent.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck, OP.

My father was diagnosed with kidney cancer 2 years ago. He had the tumor lopped off. They were able to save the kidney. His doctor is absolutely amazing.

No other treatment was necessary. He is still 100% cancer free and there is very little chance of this coming back.

You are lucky they found it as it is usually asymptomatic for long time. My dad's was only detected during a CT scan for somethign else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best of luck, OP.

My father was diagnosed with kidney cancer 2 years ago. He had the tumor lopped off. They were able to save the kidney. His doctor is absolutely amazing.

No other treatment was necessary. He is still 100% cancer free and there is very little chance of this coming back.

You are lucky they found it as it is usually asymptomatic for long time. My dad's was only detected during a CT scan for somethign else.

btw, they don't treat kidney cancer with chemo. the surgery my dad had was laproscopic. They really thought he might lose the whole kidney---but the dr worked adn worked and was able to save most of it. Tumor was in the back and hard to get at. The recovery was very quick.

given the type of cancer and the prognosis....I am sort of with the pps that suggest just letting daughter know you need surgery...maybe hold of the big "C' word that scares the crap out of most ppl. If it were an aggressive cancer or one requiring chemo which would cause you to be weak and have appearance change, etc. my tactic would be full truth.

[Anonymous]

"btw, they don't treat kidney cancer with chemo."

Not always true. They don't treat the primary tumor with chemo, but if there is any lymph involvement, then they do sometimes give chemo. Prognosis is usually very poor at that point, but the chemo can slow down the growth of metastatic tumors and buy some time. I am glad this is not the situation for your dad or OP.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her matter of factly as others have said. The message she needs to hear is that you are managing it, you are okay and you have great doctors taking care of you. Tell her everyone's cancer is different so that if she knows of others who have had cancer it wont necessarily be the same for you.
You don't need to let her see your dark moments or your fears / worries. Emphasize nothing is her fault / caused by her or by anyone else. Don't make it an ongoing focal conservation but let her know she can ask you questions anytime.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: Saw the DR. His advice is to not tell her anything until she needs to know. Surgery is 1-3 weeks away. They see the tumor. It is big (I can see it on the CT Scan). But it has not spread. They still have to determine the approach to surgery, which will determine how long I am laid up.

However, she knows that there is a mass on my kidney (she was in the room when the ER doctor told me). She asked me about it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with telling her the day before surgery that its cancer and surgery is tomorrow. And immediately saying it's going to be cut out and everything will be fine, it's totally manageable and will be fine. Be STRONG about it. Believe it yourself - it's totally manageable and will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here: Saw the DR. His advice is to not tell her anything until she needs to know. Surgery is 1-3 weeks away. They see the tumor. It is big (I can see it on the CT Scan). But it has not spread. They still have to determine the approach to surgery, which will determine how long I am laid up.

However, she knows that there is a mass on my kidney (she was in the room when the ER doctor told me). She asked me about it.

Best of luck, OP!!! I am the one with the dad with kidney cancer. Just so you know---size of tumor isn't always correlated to its malignancy. My dad had a HUGE colon cancer tumor. We feared the absolute worst===esp since the CT scan then revealed the kidney tumor. I think the Drs pretty much feared the worst as well. Turns out neither tumor was of high grade malignancy. They typed and tested and both were not expected to very aggressive or recur. Type II Colon and I forget the kidney grade.

He needed nothing other than surgery for both, e.g., no radiation, no surgery, etc. They were two unrelated cancers--not mestasis. We got lucky he needed the CT for the colon cancer or we never would have seen the kidney cancer which was asymptomatic.

Two years later he is totally cancer free. Many follow-up visits the first year, tapering off the second. I think he was also told it was 90-95% cured from surgery.

Given the location of the kidneys they are less likely to go mestatsize. I wish the best of luck!!! I would take your doctor's advice regarding keeping the nitty gritty from your daughter until it is necessary to tell her more. An older child- I might do something different. I am in my 40s and I think I lost over a month of sleep and 10 pounds worrying about my dad. Surround yourself with family and love.

[Anonymous]

Just remember you have to tell them when they turn 18 & start seeing doctors on their own. This is a part of their medical history and may affect how they are tested or screened in future.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you've gotten some great responses from people.

This is why DCUM is here.

You could also ask the social worker at the institution where you will have the surgery to help you and your child. Oftentimes, hospitals have child-life or child-oriented therapy groups for kids whose parent has a cancer dx. Not saying you need to use this, but at least know it's available.

[Anonymous]

When I was in 1st grade they did not tell me what had happened when my mother had a miscarriage at six months. It was horrible, I imagined so much worse than it was because the adults did not want to scare me. I can imagine that your 10 year old has enough knowledge in the world to imagine things are a lot worse.

You need to be straight up with kids, you need to be able to say I am afraid but that is ok and normal.

One other thing is that your wife is in for a hell of difficult period also, that may be her unwillingness to share this with your children in that she herself has not been able to to process what is to come. It may be worth asking her if that is part of what is going on, she may not realize it until you vocalize it.

[Anonymous]

OP: Sorry. I don't agree with your doctor. We've been there (my husband has cancer). He is an oncologist, and not an expert in children. Certainly, three weeks out may be too far, but not if you have invasive tests to now and then (i.e. drinking barium can leave a person sidelined for two days)

You got some good advice. Your hospital has resources to "treat" the whole family. Why don't you make an appointment with the social worker and get an answer from a pro who can judge the whole situation: your daughter's character, your wife's character, and yours.

[Anonymous]

13:39 I appreciate your opinion, that the doctor is an oncologist, but are you a child psychologist? As for OP's wife not processing, I actually wonder if she's dealing with so much, that she'd prefer not to have to deal with her child's reaction to what for all intents and purposes is not necessary information. That's more practical than repressive. (I'm a PP who has advised to wait and see if it's necessary to tell all. Yes if OP needs chemo or any treatment with side effects.)

Whatever you do OP, good luck to you and yours!