How can I tell my 10YO DD that I have cancer

[Anonymous]

My 10 YO DD is very bright and sensitive. I found out that I have a tumor on the Kidney. It (the tumor) will have to be removed surgically, and might take the Kidney with it. My wife wants to tell as little as possible. I believe in complete honesty. The good news is that the cancer is 90% cured by the surgery. I am looking at suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I had something quite similar happen a few years ago (different organ but 90% cure rate via surgery). I was honest with my children about having to go into surgery but I didn't drop the C word. I wanted to wait and find out what the results were before I had to admit to cancer. Thankfully, the surgery did work. They were able to remove everything and, although I lost part of the organ, I'm living a very good life. My kids never knew. As they get older (they were 9 & 7 at the time), I might tell them if it's relevant to a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Whoops. I'm PP and forgot to tell you that I'm wishing you and your family the best.

[Anonymous]

Do not add to their fears by being "afraid" to tell them. Kids will respond to it the same way you present it. If you present it with angst, they will reflect that back to you. A 10 yr. old is old enough to hear that you have bad cells growing on your kidney and you need to have it taken out. If you say this like you are all stressed about it then she will be stressed.

If she asks for more, then tell her.

Why are we so afraid to tell the truth about life and death in this world? My 5 and 8 yr olds know what cancer is (in a general sense) b/c we talk about it in relation to stories in the newspaper or relatives/friends who are going through it. When you hide reality, it makes it sound worse than it is. It's o.k. that she's worried about you... it's an opportunity to work through fears together.

[Anonymous]

With all due respect, children do not always respond the way adults tell them, especially about things like death, divorce, cancer.

Not sharing that this is cancer is in my mind not hiding given the prognosis. If the prognosis were less favorable, I would tell my child over the summer.

With this fact set, I would not tell my child.

Good luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I would tell, I don't understand the point of lying. You have canc er, it sucks, luckily it is curable. Life happens, sheet happens to some of us. At what point are you honest with your kids, 20 years later when they have health issues, 2 weeks later when they overhear something, when tragedy strikes?

[Anonymous]

I think 824's approach is a good one. It allows you to be honest about the procedure and prognosis without the word cancer, which many still think of as a death sentence.

To 912, yes, OP can approach the conversation in a matter of fact way, but that doesn't mean a child won't feel anxiety about the facts and the future. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell my child her dad had died. Do you think that if I had delivered the news in happy song, she would have been any less devastated?

[Anonymous]

Tons of luck OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a grown woman and I am scared for you. Never mind how your own CHILD must feel. Given the facts, I would not disclose that it is cancer only that you need to have surgery because your kidney is sick. If your kid really presses on then you can think about mentioning cancer and success rate etc.

All the best to you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. My dd will definitely question why I am having the surgery. And she get angry at us when we. Hide bad news. For example, when my father (her grandfather) got sick and was hospitalized, she was upset that we did not tell her right away -- even though I found out after she went to sleep, and told her the following morning.

I am thinking I will tell her that they are checking out something on my kidney. If she asks further,I will answer factually, putting a positive spin on it, where possible.

[Anonymous]

New poster here - I was diagnosed with cancer when my children were young, and I did tell them in a basic, straightforward way. Such as, they are bad cells in x part of my body called "cancer" - drs will remove the bad cells via surgery and I will have to be in hospital for awhile and when I come home it may be a bit painful for me so no jumping on me, etc for awhile - then I have "strong medicine" called chemotherapy which further kills any leftover bad cells in my body - the strong medicine helps my body fight the cancer but will cause some funny things to happen to me like my hair will fall out and I will wear "fake hair" called a wig - showed them the wig - and kept emphasizing that my doctors think I will be okay and that cancer is not contagious -- that's the nutshell version of what I said, at least There are some great books out there which help with these discussions - I'm sorry I can't recall the titles, but I know I ordered them on amazon (I think I was pointed to the books by the American Cancer Society website). At 10 I think your child is old enough to know, and frankly deserves to know, the truth. You can be as matter of fact about it as possible and reassure her with the positive facts you've been told. Kids don't hear the word "cancer" and associate the same level of fear as we do as adults. My kids are younger than yours, and besides me, their mom, they know two other adults who had cancer and survived, so my kids for example don't equate the word cancer with a death sentence.

[Anonymous]

I could have written 14:39's post. I echo everything she says. My DD was 7 when I was diagnosed. At that age, she was most concerned about my hair loss!

I'm glad you have such a good prognosis. Mine was not so good, but that was something I definitely did not share. My daughter is now a teen and I am still in remission. She recently found out how deadly my type of cancer often is and was shocked and we had to revisit the issue all over again. Best of luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I was 10 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1980. My parents did tell me and my mom had a mastectomy so they had to tell me something. I believe they were rather matter-of-fact and I continued on with life very smoothly for the next 10 years. I consider it a HUGE blessing that my parents did not burden me with how worried they were. I was allowed to be a child (I even got to be a self-centered teenager even though my mom's cancer recurred). It really never occurred to me that my mom would die of cancer until a few weeks before she did when I was a freshman in college. Her treatments were an inconveinance but part of our life. That was basically her attitude about it.

I think you've gotten some good adivice. I will add, that if you share that you have cancer with friends and family, your kid may hear it elsewhere, which would be awful!!. I also remember a boy on my swimteam telling me how sorry he was when my mom had surgery and then asking me if my mom might die. That was a shocker. I assured him she was just fine. However, I think your child will be best prepared for that sort of encounter with more information--not less.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I just want you to think this through. What if you end up telling your daughter about the cancer and she has a bad reaction, for instance, acts out in school and/or at home, will that put a strain on relations with your wife?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I expect she will have some reaction. I will send a note to her teacher letting her know what is going on.