Reply to Would you marry a man who has a bad relationship with his mother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, ignore the haters. Don't be made to feel guilty for something that isn't your problem. So many unhappy marriages here and many of the spouses can trace them straight to family of origin issues. You don't owe this new guy your loyalty.

Keep your eyes open, listen to the red flags and if he seems resistant to therapy or self reflection, RUN.

Consider therapy to make sure you aren't attracting people with issues. [/quote]

Thank you. I think some have misunderstood my point, which I think you nailed.

It's not that I want to dump anyone who hails from a dysfunctional family, my own upbringing was no Leave it to Beaver episode.  It's when someone doesn't recognize or acknowledge how an upbringing devoid of love or human nurturing affects who they are today...that's the red flag for me.  My ex was slow to come to the "light" and it took years before he agreed to seek therapy (individual and couples).  Even still when he felt "cured" he wouldn't continue. I think it takes some people many years (depending on how deeply they're scarred) to be aware enough to think from the front of the brain (as one therapist phrased it) rather than the back of the brain where the scars hide. If this guy were to say, "Hey, my family is totally screwed up and I know it can affect how I react to certain situations or interpret certain behaviors, but I'm willing to work on that," I would have no problems giving him a chance.

I was really curious if someone married someone like that - who didn't recognize the impact of a bad childhood, was slow to seek help, but eventually turned out to be a great spouse. Everyone I know who fits this profile is either divorced or headed that way.[/quote]

Not me and I'm a lesbian who is headed for divorce. She also seemed to have really turned out differently from a very damaged family but the resistance to therapy or to looking at the past as it impacted the present and future was too much to overcome. I think we all get subbed in for family of origin stuff in adult relationships but if the original parents weren't "good enough" it's really easy to be put on a pedestal and then turned on. Esp whent there are kids competing for your attention with an adult who in some ways is still a child. Whenever there was real stress she had to be the victim. You never know what challenges and tragedies life will throw at you and better to have a caring adult who won't fight or flee when you need them most. I'd listen to your instincts OP which seem to be telling you to back away. There are a lot of fish in the sea and having the support of "normal enough" extended family members is a big plus for any couple. I think you may have outgrown this pattern, good for you! Now you get that there is no need to stack the deck against yourself from the get go. Find someone at least as evolved and insightful as yourself and best of luck.[/quote]

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