House Envy of a friend
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Anonymous
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I understand! We live in a little house in a dumpy neighborhood. All the work we've done on it I've done with my own hands. It is cute and sweet and charming and all...but I look at friends/family's houses and turn a bit green. But then again I come on here and read about $1million homes, or people fretting about whether they can buy something they like for $850k and I feel bitter, too.
But. I wouldn't want to change my life for anyone elses, truly, and those beautiful houses come with the baggage of the people who live in them. I'll take my own baggage and life with the little house! |
Anonymous
| But some of the people in those big, nice house are nice happy people. I'm sure OP's friend is a good person, otherwise she wouldnt be a friend. it's probably not helpful to advise her to think about her firends' bad marriage, etc. not going to good things for their friendship |
Anonymous
exactly. It's ridiculous to think that everyone in the large homes must have significant problems just under the surface. Most of my wealthy friends in DC (with the 2 million dollar homes) have great marriages, beautiful kids, good jobs and a bit of inherited money. They're just as healthy as I am--just wealthy as well. |
Anonymous
I can't wait to see you go. |
Anonymous
Now that's almost as funny as it is unlikely. Hope DC is in your rearview on your way out of town soon! |
Anonymous
I think there are two parts to this. The first is to not feel sorry for yourself. Have you done things to fix up what you have or is it in limbo because you plan to sell in a few years? Once we committed to fixing up the place we have and trying to resolve the space/ poor layout issues I was not only too busy to envy other people but it helped me be more satisfied with what I have. Not to say I would turn down the HGTV dream home should I win, but there isn't anything more space would give me but more clutter and cleaning. I can go visit someone that has a huge house and feel happy for them, but know my home fits my needs. Take a page from NY apartments where space is really at a premium and see what clever designs, layout and storage are used. The second part of this is possibly feelinglike your friend choosing something different is not a rejection or reflection of your choices. There is sort of this unspoken tension when someone that you believe is the same situation makes a different choice. You mention homes in your neighborhood and get, pause, "oh we were really looking for homes in x school pyramid" or, something about the house size, amenities, or community. It hard not to feel like chopped liver. I'll never forget one time when people at work were saying something about living in a house and made some reference to kids living in an apartment, as if they were the unwashed, and a co-worker had to put people in check and say I grew up in an apartment, we didn't move to a house till I was older, and I went to college - what are you trying to say? I'm not saying your friend is like that, but I can see how it could put tension in the relationship. If you are satisfied with your situation, it would be easier to be happy with your friend but you could feel like you don't have as much in common depending on how your friend talks about the house hunt or conversely doesn't really talk about it because they fear you being envious. |
Anonymous
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I think there are two parts to this. The first is to not feel sorry for yourself. Have you done things to fix up what you have or is it in limbo because you plan to sell in a few years? Once we committed to fixing up the place we have and trying to resolve the space/ poor layout issues I was not only too busy to envy other people but it helped me be more satisfied with what I have. Not to say I would turn down the HGTV dream home should I win, but there isn't anything more space would give me but more clutter and cleaning. I can go visit someone that has a huge house and feel happy for them, but know my home fits my needs. Take a page from NY apartments where space is really at a premium and see what clever designs, layout and storage are used. The second part of this is possibly feelinglike your friend choosing something different is not a rejection or reflection of your choices. There is sort of this unspoken tension when someone that you believe is the same situation makes a different choice. You mention homes in your neighborhood and get, pause, "oh we were really looking for homes in x school pyramid" or, something about the house size, amenities, or community. It hard not to feel like chopped liver. I'll never forget one time when people at work were saying something about living in a house and made some reference to kids living in an apartment, as if they were the unwashed, and a co-worker had to put people in check and say I grew up in an apartment, we didn't move to a house till I was older, and I went to college - what are you trying to say? I'm not saying your friend is like that, but I can see how it could put tension in the relationship. If you are satisfied with your situation, it would be easier to be happy with your friend but you could feel like you don't have as much in common depending on how your friend talks about the house hunt or conversely doesn't really talk about it because they fear you being envious. Wow, this is so incredibly right on. Thank you, sincerely To be honest, I've been feeling bad about our house in the past year or so, since I realized that moving was not in the near future, so we decided to stat making improvements. We've painted, done the bathroom, and gotten new window coverings. I feel a lot happier walking in the door every day. I think you're absolutely right that I need to focus on that, and keep up the efforts. Unfortunately it's not just a size issue, our small-ish townhouse is just limited in many ways - we'll never have an amazing kitchen, even with new countertops, and that spa bath is not in the cards, but you're right I need to focus on making the house the best it can be And the second point is EXACTLY right. She could have stayed where she was like us, but instead decided that she wanted something better - implying that the situation wasn't good enough. Then she decided that they were going to move further out, implying that a small house or lot wasn't good enough. She is absolutely not saying anything out loud, ro even implying that she thinks along those lines, but it's where my mind goes. Thankfully she's a really nice friend, and I think she knows how I feel - she hasn't talked a ton about it, and has even said things like "your neighborhood is great" and "if we had a pool/playground/etc" maybe we wouldn’t have to move..... Anyway, since i originally posted yesterday I'm feeling better. It only took me 40 minutes door to door to get home yesterday, I got to take my kids to the playground after work, they both wanted to snuggle and read stories, and all that helped me realize that we're in a good place. My friend buying a house changed absolutely NOTHING in my life, and that's what i need to focus on thanks. I'm going to save this thread and reread it, i know the feelings will arise again (though i'll ignore the mean ones 
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Anonymous
| Yes this is bull shit can't stand it asshole banks won't approve me to rent out my place and buy another because i need 2 years of rents FUCK YOU BANK SHIT |
Anonymous
if you didn't figure it out I am underwater, can't sell and would like now like to buy to at least pare my losses from asshole banks fucking up the real estate market |
Anonymous
| OP, I get what you are saying. In some ways I envy YOU. We also bought, but a condo, at the peak of the market. Underwater, so for now we are stuck with it. We rent it out and rent a home. So in some ways you have a leg up over us because you are underwater on your home. We also would love to buy a home and could, but haven't because we don't want to get burned again and our ideal neighborhood would end up being a financial stretch when you account for 2 mortgages and paying tax on the rent from the 1st place. The place we rent isn't our dream home, but we've done our best to make it a home. I can't tell you how much time and money we have personally put into it even though we don't own it. |
Anonymous
thats what i was thinking. not much to envy. have compassion for her. |
Anonymous
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OP, not everyone with nice houses have miserable lives.
I know plenty of people with great houses fit for a high end magazine, seemingly perfect. They have great taste! They were raised in a family/area that had nice things and knew how to take care of them. They also have great marriages and great children. They take great vacations and have a great beach house. But I realize all of this takes an unbelievable amount of work. They spent more time working on themselves than minding what others have or what they think others have. I hope they live long and enjoy it, because they are truly great people. They don't pay for everyones dinner, but they would be there if anyone truly needed it. They don't spend time with people who wallow in their own self pity and entitlement. They spend time with people who are constantly bettering themselves, and therefor have an incredible and very healthy outlook. I suppose you need to surround yourself with people more like you in order to be happy. But what is that definition to you? Probably not someone who tells you "maybe its you" (see PP); but rather, someone who is supportive and knows how to be a friend (within reason). I say within reason because no friend can undo the damage mommy and daddy did, so to speak. It seems you really need to keep things in perspective and be thankful for why you do have, things that money can not buy. Do you have healthy children/parents/family/spouse? Your own health? What if you died tomorrow? Do you want people to remember you as the person who could not get over what the next guy had and spent her time worrying about it and acting out? I say this because somehow, I am certain your friend knows you resent what she has, or what you think she has. This is no way to keep the type of friends you seem to be looking for. Would you prefer people who are jealous like you? Misery loves company. Instead of truly being able to be happy for others, they look for fault. How on earth would that make anyone happy? It does not. It manifests and comes out at every opportunity. Have you *seen* the way some grown adults act?!?! I have passed up on many "friendships" where people can't get over their own screamingly obvious jealousy and bitterness - which of course, they would never admit. I wish you peace OP. Really. Do you know the secret to having nice things? Being raised around nice things, knowing and appreciating what you have, and actually working hard and investing blood, sweat, tears and your own (no one else's) money to get from point A to point B. Some people here are so very clueless. They really sound as if they believe it is "luck" or something that falls from the sky. I thought people here were supposed to be smart, but all I have seen is bitter. |
Anonymous
| A rich person is not that who has more; it is that who needs less. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| 15:24 - this is the most judgmental thing I have read in a very, very long time. How do you know what *anyone* needs? |