House Envy of a friend
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Anonymous
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No, not of the beautiful chevy chase houses posted here that i'll never be abel to afford, nor of the gorgeous estates out in the midwest that I'd never want to move to, but I"m struggling with real house envy of a friend.
We both bought our 'starter homes' at the peak of the bubble with plans to get out in 3ish years. 6 years later, we're both underwater, but they just bought a new house (plans to rent theirs out, a small inheritance from her father, she's not been forthcoming with the details, nor have i pushed). She's moving further out than I'd want to live, but still reasonable. I can't get myself to feel happy. I waver between bitter, sad and just plain green with envy. I know logically we could do what they're doing and get the same house (maybe even better because our HHI is higher), but I'm not comfortable with renting out our current place. Help me be happy for my friend, and not feel so sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this, but haven't been able to shake the feeling since they started looking a few months ago. I want to be able to go over there without feeling bitter..... worry that I'm going to ruin our friendship by pulling away because I feel like this..... |
Anonymous
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You're positing this as a real estate problem, but I think it applies to any situation in which luck and different choices combine to make you wish you had something someone else has.
It could be another baby, a trip, early retirement -- you've said yourself that logically, you could do what they're doing. You need to come to terms with your choices, or if you can't, make different choices. What if she said she was jealous of you for having a higher HHI? I don't mean to seem unsympathetic. There's always something to envy. But do you want to change entire lives with her? Or do you want your life, with her her house, at no cost to you? |
Anonymous
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That's tough, we see it all the time, especially with our friends and family in other U.S. markets buying 3,000 sf new build for like $250k!
It could be less "house envy" and more depression about being underwater on a property. A lot of the 2005-2008 buyers around here are underwater, but you need to press on. Your friend has a plan - they are renting out their under water property and saved up/inherited for a different place. In our case, we had to bite the bullet and sell our Cap Hill place at a loss. The 6% realtor fees hurt the most, I think that business model of fees does not work in a flat or down market. Do FSBO if you are in the beltway and have a decent property. Basically have a plan and start moving on, that's the healthiest thing to do. |
Anonymous
| OP, grow up. I see this all the time here. I have always been the type to get along with everyone. But this area forces people to only be with their own, as others seem jealous at the littlest things. I came here expecting balanced, intelligent people only to find a bunch of less thanks that are jealous and petty. People like you are the reason I can not wait to get out of here. |
Anonymous
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Thing is, you both screwed up. You should never plan to get out of a purchased house 3 years later. 3 years is too short of a time frame for buying, and somebody should have told you that. Real estate is meant to be a longer-term investment unless you're a professional flipper with no emotional ties to the property. So live and learn.
Also, if she's living farther out than you'd want to live, you can NOT compare the houses. My friend bought a gorgeous house - in Fredericksburg. And later bought an even more gorgeous house - in Haymarket. Both her houses have put both my houses to shame. But I wouldn't want to live further out than I do now. If you wouldn't live there, you can't compare apples to oranges. hang in there. things will turn around at some point, but for now, make the best of it. There are a lot of folks in your shoes. (and hell, I have a lot to be jealous of too - i'm single and most of my married friends have much nicer houses because they have two incomes. that gets to me sometimes. but that's life!) |
Anonymous
| Count your blessings. Give thanks to God/gods/luck/the universe/[fill in the blank] for what you have. Remember that the grass is always greener in the other side, and that, despite your LTV of over 100%, you (we) are among the luckiest members of humankind. And recall the Buddhist teaching: attachment (and its sequels, like comparing oneself with others) is the source of all suffering, and cherishing others in an essencial step toward pure happiness. |
Anonymous
And, if it really makes you suffer psychologically, I'd consider having a session with a counselor/therapist. Don't feel ashamed about it. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you just need to slap yourself out of it. From your post, it appears that you could do exactly what your friend did, except that (i) you don't want to live that far out, and (ii) you don't want to rent out your current house. So think about what is more important to you location/comfort level with renting, or the nice house, make a decision, and move from there.
This actually sounds less like jealousy than general bitterness that your plans didn't work out the way you expected. Which is natural, but unfair to direct at your friend. |
Anonymous
| hmm, her father died! |
Anonymous
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OP - thanks for the responses
Yes, we may have screwed up buying when/what we did, but it was a calculated risk (the real eastate market was a "safe bet" back then!) that just didnt pay off. Yes, it's not a real estate problem, and can be applied to almost anything. I posted here because the cause of my jealousy is a house, if it was a baby when I was TTC i would have posted there. Yes, we need a plan and I shoudl focus on that. My plan is to stay put another few years & we won't be underwater & can sell and start over. This is probably the most helpful advice. Yes, it's not nice, fair or good of me to feel bitter, but I do. Yes, I need to focus on what I have rather than what I don't. I need to just get over it. I need to be fair to my friend who has nothing to do with my situation - all those things are easier said than done. So I'm going to hang in there. In the meantime, keep the feedback and suggestions coming....and to 11:04 - I'm glad if I've made you want to get out of DC, I prefer people who try to be empthatic (even to strangers!) or keep their mouth shut when they can't say something nice! |
Anonymous
| Remind yourself that you have a nice safe roof over your head that you can afford. Yes, you may be underwater, but you likely won't be in a couple of years. We are underwater, but at the rate that I'm paying, we should be back to equal in about 2 years (I think 23 months of monthly payments based on the current market value of the house). And if the market gets better, it will be sooner. There are still many, many homeowners that cannot afford the houses that they are in, that are facing short sales. foreclosures and personal bankruptcy on their properties or are steadily eating into their savings or worse, going further into debt, to live in the homes that they are in. Also, remind yourself that you have no idea what compromises your friend has made to make the choice that she did. You already know that you don't want to rent your place out. I can tell you from family experience, that being a landlord is frequently not pleasant and comes fraught with many issues and problems (I have several family members who have multiple rentals). It's a big hassle and be glad that you won't have to deal with that. Also, be thankful that while her commute is still reasonable, yours is better and after a few months of it, she may be dreading her commute and looking back at you with envy over the fact that you have that extra time both morning and evening that you don't have. Last, don't think of it as she's gotten ahead, but think that she's made compromises to get there now. You'll get there too (if you want it), but it will take you a few years longer. That's normal. Every family makes changes at their own pace. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I get where you're coming from. In the last year or so we've had a few close friends move into 2 million dollar plus homes here in the DC area and in New England. It's hard not to be envious. That said, just because someone lives in the house of their dreams, it doesn't mean that they are happy. I've finally realized that money and material things don't matter and they don't make you happy. Our closest friend's just bought a 2 million dollar home. They are both miserable in their marriage. Do I want to trade places with them? No way in HELL! Our other friends have been bank rolled by their parents. No thank you to that, as well, as that comes with other kinds of issues. Be happy with your life. Give thanks for what you have, especially if you have your health. What brings me a lot of happiness is volunteering and giving back. It also makes me realize just how fortunate I am. |
Anonymous
| There are people who are so poor, that they only thing the have is money. |
Anonymous
There are people who are so poor, that they only thing they have is money. |
Anonymous
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All, with the exception of a handful, of my friends have nicer/bigger/more elegant houses than we do - think Kalorama, spring valley, potomac, Great Falls, that new estate on foxhall (name escapes me), to name a few. I do suffer from a little bit of envy though it does not really occupy my mind that much. What worries me more is reciprocating because our set-ups are so very very different. That occupies me a lot.
We are not under and are ok financially but we are educating 3 kids in private schools so we cannot affordto indulge our whims willy nilly. Ah well. Chin up OP! |