Picky / Not Picky?

[Anonymous]

Must haves: Never married, no kids, grad degree, good job, good looking, social

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not think you should compromise on the Type A/uptight issue. I'm the uptight type A one in our marriage and my husband is much more laidback. The longer we're married, the more friction our different styles cause. When we were dating, I thought he made me more relaxed and able to go with the flow, and he thought I made him a bit more aware of deadlines, etc. However, everyone reverts totally to type once you have kids and you're exhausted all the time. Not a good combination.

[Anonymous]

Picky is more rejecting a guy b/c...maybe he went to a state school or he wore black socks with his sneakers or you think he has no money or your girlfriend made a snarky comment about him.Why did you reject the last guy who asked you out?

[Anonymous]

Op here...

I agree with the Typs A/Type B mix! I work with someone who is Type an and we balance each other at work but in a relationship I think it is more conflict than balance. I think it is actually harder for the Type A person, at least in my experience...he was continually frustrated with me being laid back.

The traveling thing isn't so much that he needs to have traveled to X places. more just that he has a love of adventure, exploring...seeing new places.

I am okay with kids, divorced as long as there isn't a lot of ex drama and he is actively involved in his kids lives.

As for what friends say..
1. I can come across as intimidating as I am not very needy. I am very independent, emotionally strong, and self-confident and this makes it seem like I don't really need someone.
2. I am a bit too intellectual - I get told I need to follow my heart, express emotions more rather than reasoning everything through from every perspective.
3. I don't feel strong physical attraction / sexual chemistry very easily - I need intellect and character as well as looks to get turned on. Not many guys seem to really do that for me. I have a hard time dating guys I am not attracted to in the hopes attraction will grow.
4. I am okay / comfortable being single so don't put a lot of effort into meeting someone.

[Anonymous]

"Op here..thanks. I guess I am really just not sure what to compromise on. I don't really care about looks but I do care about being physically attracted to him and having sexual chemistry. I don't really care about money but I do care that he is financially independent and responsible with money. I don't really care about education but I do care that he is intelligent and can have meaningful discussions. "

There are a few contradictions on this statement. You say that you do not care about money but you care about financial independence. Similarly, while I am sure that they are out there I am guess that most uneducated people and not going to be that intelligent. Consider making a list of 3 or 4 items that you alsolutely have to have. Physical attractiveness is the obvious one of course.

Also, do you ever meet men in your travels? Since this is so important to you and you do it so often I would think that they would be the first place to look. Do you flirt with guys at the airport, what about if you sit next to one on the plane.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

"Op here..thanks. I guess I am really just not sure what to compromise on. I don't really care about looks but I do care about being physically attracted to him and having sexual chemistry. I don't really care about money but I do care that he is financially independent and responsible with money. I don't really care about education but I do care that he is intelligent and can have meaningful discussions. "

There are a few contradictions on this statement. You say that you do not care about money but you care about financial independence. Similarly, while I am sure that they are out there I am guess that most uneducated people and not going to be that intelligent. Consider making a list of 3 or 4 items that you alsolutely have to have. Physical attractiveness is the obvious one of course.

Also, do you ever meet men in your travels? Since this is so important to you and you do it so often I would think that they would be the first place to look. Do you flirt with guys at the airport, what about if you sit next to one on the plane.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...

I agree with the Typs A/Type B mix! I work with someone who is Type an and we balance each other at work but in a relationship I think it is more conflict than balance. I think it is actually harder for the Type A person, at least in my experience...he was continually frustrated with me being laid back.

The traveling thing isn't so much that he needs to have traveled to X places. more just that he has a love of adventure, exploring...seeing new places.

I am okay with kids, divorced as long as there isn't a lot of ex drama and he is actively involved in his kids lives.

As for what friends say..
1. I can come across as intimidating as I am not very needy. I am very independent, emotionally strong, and self-confident and this makes it seem like I don't really need someone.
2. I am a bit too intellectual - I get told I need to follow my heart, express emotions more rather than reasoning everything through from every perspective.
3. I don't feel strong physical attraction / sexual chemistry very easily - I need intellect and character as well as looks to get turned on. Not many guys seem to really do that for me. I have a hard time dating guys I am not attracted to in the hopes attraction will grow.
4. I am okay / comfortable being single so don't put a lot of effort into meeting someone.

I hate to be the one to say it, but you sound like a Type A person who thinks they are a Type B person. When your travel, do you have a set itinerary or do you make a plan as you go?

As for waiting for strong physical attraction, I personally think that is over rated -- unless you are going to get a per-nuptual agreement in which he agrees to never put on weight, lose his hair, or otherwise age. As you get older, you are going to start to realize that the sexiest thing a guy can do is treat you well, as an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here..thanks. I guess I am really just not sure what to compromise on. I don't really care about looks but I do care about being physically attracted to him and having sexual chemistry. I don't really care about money but I do care that he is financially independent and responsible with money. I don't really care about education but I do care that he is intelligent and can have meaningful discussions.

I am mid thirties - I know who I am and i am not sure how not to be picky.

I know that I really don't mesh well with people who are uptight/Type A/rigid/high stress as I am spontaneous, laid back, and flexible. I But is that picky?

I love to travel, to go on adventures, to explore the world off the beaten track. I have traveled almost every year of my life. So I don't really want to be with someone who is a homebody who has no interest in the world and who hates traveling. But is that too picky?

I know how I feel about myself as a woman and have ideas about gender roles. I broke up with one guy because I hated how he treated his mother, another because he wanted/expected me to me an emotional mess that he could fix and didn't really think women could have it all together. But is that too picky?

I guess I am not sure where I am being picky and the reality of being single in my thirties where I knew who I am and what I want.

I think you could be a bit picky, since I'm guessing that the smart, sexy, financially independent guys are either married or are dating people women 25 to 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here...

I agree with the Typs A/Type B mix! I work with someone who is Type an and we balance each other at work but in a relationship I think it is more conflict than balance. I think it is actually harder for the Type A person, at least in my experience...he was continually frustrated with me being laid back.

The traveling thing isn't so much that he needs to have traveled to X places. more just that he has a love of adventure, exploring...seeing new places.

I am okay with kids, divorced as long as there isn't a lot of ex drama and he is actively involved in his kids lives.

As for what friends say..
1. I can come across as intimidating as I am not very needy. I am very independent, emotionally strong, and self-confident and this makes it seem like I don't really need someone.
2. I am a bit too intellectual - I get told I need to follow my heart, express emotions more rather than reasoning everything through from every perspective.
3. I don't feel strong physical attraction / sexual chemistry very easily - I need intellect and character as well as looks to get turned on. Not many guys seem to really do that for me. I have a hard time dating guys I am not attracted to in the hopes attraction will grow.
4. I am okay / comfortable being single so don't put a lot of effort into meeting someone.

I hate to be the one to say it, but you sound like a Type A person who thinks they are a Type B person. When your travel, do you have a set itinerary or do you make a plan as you go?

As for waiting for strong physical attraction, I personally think that is over rated -- unless you are going to get a per-nuptual agreement in which he agrees to never put on weight, lose his hair, or otherwise age. As you get older, you are going to start to realize that the sexiest thing a guy can do is treat you well, as an equal.

Are you a guy? Cause i like you.

[Anonymous]

"As for waiting for strong physical attraction, I personally think that is over rated -- unless you are going to get a per-nuptual agreement in which he agrees to never put on weight, lose his hair, or otherwise age. As you get older, you are going to start to realize that the sexiest thing a guy can do is treat you well, as an equal. "

Totally wrong, 46 year old woman here. Sexy is sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I hate to be the one to say it, but you sound like a Type A person who thinks they are a Type B person. When your travel, do you have a set itinerary or do you make a plan as you go?

As for waiting for strong physical attraction, I personally think that is over rated -- unless you are going to get a per-nuptual agreement in which he agrees to never put on weight, lose his hair, or otherwise age. As you get older, you are going to start to realize that the sexiest thing a guy can do is treat you well, as an equal.

No I am really Type B - I travel with no plan or itinerary at all! I am not career driven, I am a procrastinator and it takes a lot of effort to keep my life organized.

I don't really have an ideal of physical perfection, and once you are with someone and you love them then looks matter even less. It is just that initial attraction to get to the point of being in love with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


I think you could be a bit picky, since I'm guessing that the smart, sexy, financially independent guys are either married or are dating people women 25 to 30.

Op here - yeah I agree, I may have just missed the boat! There seemed to be an endless supply of great guys in my twenties when I wasn't all that keen on settling down and now in my 30s...they are really hard to find!

[Anonymous]

I think they are still out there you just have to make room in your life for them.

[Anonymous]

In the beginning my husband made me laugh- this was a huge turn-on, he was reasonable about life, not as passionate-but the passionate ones always seemed to drive me away in relationships (too suffocating, impulsive, etc). He is not the kind of man to sweep me off my feet or plan an elaborate surprise, but he is patient, responsible, loyal to no end, supports me and the kids and I are number one in his life. (He also works very hard, has crazy hours and saves most of his free time to spend with us).

Now that we are 5 years in, I sometimes feel a little wistful about former passionate relationships- but I know where that went, I can miss aspects of those relationships but I still know that I have the real deal right in front of me.

[Anonymous]

21:11, I should add..I was 25 when we met, we married at 27 years..I was very ambivalent initially about marriage, but I think years of passionate, but impulsive, at times toxic relationships set me up to be fearful of commitment. I am so glad I made the decision to get married to this man.