Picky / Not Picky?
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Anonymous
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I'm picky about certain things - brains, sense of humor, common sense, responsibility for himself, etc. But he doesn't need to be rich, hot, "cool" or much taller than me to float my boat. I think it's ok - and a good idea - to be picky about certain personality traits, especially if you're bringing similar traits to the table. (like if you're smart, yes, you should probably limit yourself to guys who can converse on your level. Or if you've got a good sense of humor, a very serious guy might not "get" you.) But I think it pays to look at your list of "must-haves" and make sure that some of them aren't limiting you to a very small pool unnecessarily.
I think it's also a good idea to examine what you're bringing to the table, and make sure you're not expecting someone to forgive you for things you wouldn't overlook. I have a friend who is pretty chunky and doesn't diet or work out much. Her taste runs toward men who are in very good physical shape, and she doesn't have much luck with those guys. I think it's because guys who work out a lot might be more attracted to a woman who is in pretty good shape too. So I feel like maybe she's setting herself up for rejection by having that particular thing on her check-list. |
Anonymous
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OP, when you talk about physical attraction/sexual chemistry, what exactly does that mean to you? I have a single friend, 38, who dated a guy who couldn't keep his hands off her 10 years ago, as in, he was the touchy feely, hand holding, spontaneous public displays of affection type. Behind closed doors, he would pick her up, bang her against the wall, in the kitchen, in the shower, etc.
She's been waiting for *Mr Right* who can replicate that for 10 years now, she doesn't like to hear that he's not coming. But maybe her cats convince her. |
Anonymous
| "Maybe her cats convince her." Oh, snap! |
Anonymous
The only thing that stood out to me is that you say you are comfortable being single. This is great, but finding the right person for you is like finding the right job. It takes a few tries and a lot of effort! Especially as you get to your mid-thirties. Do you want someone to share your life with? If so, tell the guy (that you like) that. They won't get it otherwise. And for love of all that is holy get yourself on Match, in a class, doing a rec sport, joinging a gym, joining a church, joining a travel club, heck join a singles club. Just get involved in something (politics?) where you are meeting a lot of different people (preferable men). It's just the law of large numbers. If you meet a lot of men you'll find the right one. If you don't the cards are against you  .
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Anonymous
| As a 30 year old single women, I don't think I am overly picky. But I think a previous poster mentioned height as something that women are picky about. Is it really too picky to not want to be taller than the guy I am dating? For me this is a non-negotiable but maybe that is why I am still single! |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Yes, you seem very flexible. |
Anonymous
If you're 5'3", no, not too pickey at all - the pool is large. If you're 5'11" and eliminating otherwise great guys because of they're 5'10" that's a little silly, right? And why is this so important - or even non-negotiable? |
Anonymous
This cracks me up, OP - this may very well be true for you. But it's a pretty well-used refrain - basically, what they said (or what you heard them say, which may or may not be the same thing) is that you're so awesome that it's hard finding someone who is comfortable with your level of awesomeness. It's like in a job interview, when asked for your biggest flaw, and people always say a "flaw" that emphasized how great they are. "I'm so focused on the job that sometimes I forget to get things filed away int eh right place" sure sounds better than, "I'm a lazy fuck who can;t be bothered to organize my life even a little." As I said, this may be true for you. But looking back on the dating years, people rarely have a hard time finding someone because they're TOO great and TOO fantastic. But some honest self-reflection, and some friends who will tell you the unvarnished truth, might come in handy. |
Anonymous
Yeah, you're being stupid. Sorry! Height has nothing to do with how you actually live a life with someone. You're dismissing a lot of potentially wonderful men for a shallow, meaningless, arbitrary trait. Besides, once you're in bed together, you won't notice how tall he is.
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Anonymous
I am the quoted poster and I am 5'9''. I guess I was harsh in saying non-negotiable because If I did find the perfect guy for me except for the height I would let it go and live happily ever after. It is important to me because of the physical aspect I guess, maybe this sounds shallow but as a tall women I have never really been able to have sex standing up so I have always imagined my dream guy would be taller than me and make me feel like a normal woman!! |
Anonymous
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I've been married for almost ten years, have two children, and have lived through some tough experiences with DH (major health problem, child with special needs for a few years) and through all the usual ups and downs of daily life, work, budget, etc.
I've come to think that the traits that are really crucial for a happy marriage are not all the ones that most people think about. In no particular order: Temperament is really important. You don't want to go through life with someone moody, overly pessimistic, or easily overwhelmed. How do they handle stress? Fatigue/sleep deprivation? Do they get snappish? Mean? Blame you when things go wrong? How do they handle disappointment? Setbacks? How do they handle disagreements? How are they during a fight? Do they fight fairly? (not bring up old issues, not call names, listen to your view, try to find solutions, maintain respect, not resort to passive aggressive behavior, etc.) Accept responsibility for their mistakes? Financially responsible. I wouldn't worry so much about someone who is disorganized or misses payments-- as long as you can be the one who handles the bills. But you don't want someone with a lot emotional issues around money or someone who doesn't share your values about saving and spending or someone who gambles/takes too much risk. Don't marry someone selfish. Once you have children, especially, you'll want someone who is generous with his energy and time. (My husband is indefatigable in responding to every little request or need my children have-- almost too much so, for their own sake!) Sexual compatibility-- You should be in the same ballpark regarding desired frequency. The importance of sex will rise and fall over the course of a marriage, but as long as you can talk to each other about your needs and respect your partner, you should be able to work out the details. |
Anonymous
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5'9" and you don't feel like a "normal woman?" Instead of spending your money on a gym or clubs or whatever to meet dudes, you should spend a little on a good shrink to help you with your body image issues.
Also, sex standing up can be tricky if there's any height differential, or even if one of you has a different leg-to-torso ratio. If you are including up against a wall or he stands you hold, then really the only thing that matters is how fat you are and how strong he is. |
Anonymous
| I'm 5'8" and I see what the PP means about wanting to feel "normal" by dating a guy who's taller than her. Shorter women may never have to deal with this, but it can be hard to accept dating a guy who is shorter than you. It can feel "off" somehow. I've found that it helps if the guy is a little bigger/broader, heavier than you, etc. it's sometimes easier to feel feminine around a guy who outweighs you be a lot than with a very short, skinny guy when you're a taller female. We're conditioned to look for a guy who is taller, older, makes more money, etc. - it can be hard to move past that conditioning! (5'9" is about the average height for guys, so maybe leave yourself open to someone who is your height, PP?) |
Anonymous
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5'9'' here again, my last boyfriend was the same height maybe shorter by an inch and it never bothered me! I can say with all sincerity that I have not turned down a good guy because he was too short. (sadly I don't run into many of those...)
Thanks 10:53- I know you understand that ideally I would not want to be bigger than the guy I am dating without assuming I have serious body issues. The truth is I think I am just somewhat frustrated at the moment and fantasizing about something specific- So I realize my comments would have been more appropriate in another forum/thread!! Good luck to OP, I hope she finds a nice guy! |