Boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me :(

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. Rejection is the worst. I'm mad on your behalf because this is a breakup and it's not. It's unrealistic that you stay there. Can he leave?

I'd start focusing on finances ASAP. If he begs off, tell him sorry but it's a reality that can't wait. Get your money back (the downpayment). Discuss canceling the credit cards. Discuss the lease. Get one of your names off it. The car? It's in his name but who paid for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I know I need to get this stuff settled but I'm so scared to make our break up official. We have 3 pets together and have combined our lives so much that it's painful to come to the realization that the future you thought you have is disappearing before your eyes. He says he loves me but needs space to clear things up.. I asked what he means by space since we live together and told I would wait. He said he doesn't want me texting or calling him and that I should go about the apt as normal but to just let him concentrate on his work when he is home. Basically he doesn't want to hangout and will talk to me in person only. I've stayed strong as much as possible during our conversation but Im dying on the inside. I know I've been stressed the last few months and have been venting a lot to him and that has taken its toll. Previously ive been upset with him about our limited time together and have expressed my sadness when he goes out with friends. I know I've made mistakes but I've tried to fix them as much as possible. He thinks I've made my life about him and that he feels like he's responsible for my happiness. I've tried explaining that I have a life it's just different from his. I'm a homebody and he likes bars, just because I don't want to go out drinking with my friends all the time doesn't mean I'm home crying over him being out.

I just don't know how to plead my case (without crying) and make him understand that I love him, I'm not trying to hold him back from living his life and that I want to be his support system. Maybe I'm just naive in thinking he would actually want me back but I feel if I don't at least try to save this relationship I will regret it.

-op

OP, read your bolded text above, do you think maybe he has a point that you've made your life about him?

I know the break up hurts and you feel like you are indeed losing your "whole" life but that's hardly the truth. You will live through this and you will move on, that is an inevitable fact of life. Start actively planning how to separate your finances, THAT is the only thing you have control over right now, the rest of it is all beyond your control and you will only drive yourself bonkers grasping at those straws.

[Anonymous]

very sorry you're going through this but you have to immediately protect your financial interests ... my wife & I have been married 23 yrs and don't have a joint account except our mortgage, exactly as the enlightened T&E law professor I had 30+ yrs ago told us she did and all her students should ...

good luck...

[Anonymous]

we just signed another year lease, we have joint credit cards, my car and insurance is in his name and he has my half of a downpayment for our future house in his savings account. Can't forget half the stuff in our apt was purchased together

I'm very sorry about the break up. I think its best to assume its permanent. Can I ask how old you both are? Regardless, you will eventually get over him, but that will take time. And trying to "prove" you love him won't do anything at all--you need to stay strong and take care of yourself. His loss, remember?

But what really worries me is the above. You need to start straightening out out right away.

1) why is your car in his name? is it only in his name? Is it your car (who paid for it, etc)? Figure this one out soon.
2) do you have any written documentation of your downpayment? Get that money out of his saving account ASAP.
3)Joint credit cards: this is easier, unless you carry a big balance. Immediately apply for your own card, in the meantime, pay off your debts, make sure he pays his, and then close the accounts.
4) lease: is this a one bedroom or is there possibility of getting a roommate? What are the terms for breaking the lease? If you can get a roomate or swing rent solo for a while, I would suggest asking him to leave. Actually--whose name is the lease in? both of yours? If it is in his name only, you ight consider moving out, dividing up the stuff and starting your new life solo. But make sure you get that downpayment and your car in your name before you do anything!
5) not trying to kick you when you're down, but keeping finances separate until marriage is a good idea, whenever possible (and I speak from experience, having been in a similar sitution and got financially burned, although I was the one to end the relationship).

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry that you are in pain. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change the situation. In fact, the harder you try the worse it will mostly likely become. The relationship is most likely over--as other posters have said. Please, protect your financial health. Get your money back, cancel the credit cards, make arrangements for paying off the balances, etc. If this breakup turns bad you could be left holding the financial bag. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me yesterday and I'm heart broken. I haven't eaten and have become physically sick. He said he has been happy in a few months and that the relationship doesn't feel right anymore. He has a lot going on between working his full time job, grad school and his internship. I know he has been stressed out, so have I but we were talking about marriage and kids in a few years. We were attempting to buy a condo last may. He said he needs space to clear everything up in his head and that he doesn't know whether or not we will get back together. My issue here (besides the heart break) is that we just signed another year lease, we have joint credit cards, my car and insurance is in his name and he has my half of a downpayment for our future house in his savings account. Can't forget half the stuff in our apt was purchased together. I'm so scared of losing him and my whole life. I've never been in love like this and I honestly thought we were gonna be together forever. We hardly fight and we always talked everything out but I guess the pressure is getting to him. What do I do?

When the love is gone it is purely a material thing. This relationship is over. you have 4 more days of pity party (one week !). Start closing those accounts immediately or get yourself off of all those you can. Gently broach the subject of getting your deposit back if he is a tad bit of hinky go consult with an attorney to see how to get your money back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me yesterday and I'm heart broken. I haven't eaten and have become physically sick. He said he has been happy in a few months and that the relationship doesn't feel right anymore. He has a lot going on between working his full time job, grad school and his internship. I know he has been stressed out, so have I but we were talking about marriage and kids in a few years. We were attempting to buy a condo last may. He said he needs space to clear everything up in his head and that he doesn't know whether or not we will get back together. My issue here (besides the heart break) is that we just signed another year lease, we have joint credit cards, my car and insurance is in his name and he has my half of a downpayment for our future house in his savings account. Can't forget half the stuff in our apt was purchased together. I'm so scared of losing him and my whole life. I've never been in love like this and I honestly thought we were gonna be together forever. We hardly fight and we always talked everything out but I guess the pressure is getting to him. What do I do?

When the love is gone it is purely a material thing. This relationship is over. you have 4 more days of pity party (one week !). Start closing those accounts immediately or get yourself off of all those you can. Gently broach the subject of getting your deposit back if he is a tad bit of hinky go consult with an attorney to see how to get your money back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just want to clear this up, you have a boy friend that you share credit cards and other financial things with?

if i can use steve jobs last words oh wow oh wow

not helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me yesterday and I'm heart broken. I haven't eaten and have become physically sick. He said he has been happy in a few months and that the relationship doesn't feel right anymore. He has a lot going on between working his full time job, grad school and his internship. I know he has been stressed out, so have I but we were talking about marriage and kids in a few years. We were attempting to buy a condo last may. He said he needs space to clear everything up in his head and that he doesn't know whether or not we will get back together. My issue here (besides the heart break) is that we just signed another year lease, we have joint credit cards, my car and insurance is in his name and he has my half of a downpayment for our future house in his savings account. Can't forget half the stuff in our apt was purchased together. I'm so scared of losing him and my whole life. I've never been in love like this and I honestly thought we were gonna be together forever. We hardly fight and we always talked everything out but I guess the pressure is getting to him. What do I do?

When the love is gone it is purely a material thing. This relationship is over. you have 4 more days of pity party (one week !). Start closing those accounts immediately or get yourself off of all those you can. Gently broach the subject of getting your deposit back if he is a tad bit of hinky go consult with an attorney to see how to get your money back.

and i am sorry if i sound harsh but your statement here 'he doesn't know whether or not we will get back together' pisses me off. he does NOT get to decide if you all get back together. you would come to this decision as a couple. if he is saying this in this way you are WAY BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just want to clear this up, you have a boy friend that you share credit cards and other financial things with?

if i can use steve jobs last words oh wow oh wow

not helpful!

It is very helpful, actually.

You have very little protection since you were not married, and not even together long enough to be a common-law marriage.

For all we know, he could be spending OP's money on hookers, booze, and blow, and then proceeding to waste the rest. (Well, maybe not now at 8am, but maybe starting at 3 or 4pm today.)

That and the "he doesn't know if he wants to get back together" is code for "I want to see if things work out with this 19 year old Belarusian ballerina/busty Bavarian barmaid first." (Hey, I rather prefer the busty Bavarian barmaid body build, but understand why other men might prefer the ultra-flexible Belarusian barmaid.)

[Anonymous]

That and the "he doesn't know if he wants to get back together"

this is almost the worst--he's put her through hell, and then won't man up and just let her go so that she can move on. Its pretty clear, OP, to everyone else that he's just not where you are and no amount of wishing, talking or therapy will change that. The *only* thing you can do is start living your own life. If by some chance he does figure out that you're the love of his life, he'll make that move, but you cannot be waiting around for him (in fact, that will pretty much guarantee that he won't, since he'll feel like you're his back up).

take the appropriate steps to deal with your finances ASAP. I'm so sorry. You will get over it though.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

My car and credit cards are in his name because he was helping me build my credit. The car is solely in his name because at the time I didn't have a high enough credit score. I make the payments. We just signed another year lease for our apt in sept. He works nights and does his internship during the day and has class Friday night and Saturday morning. I don't believe he has or would cheat on me and he doesn't do drugs. I have access to all his email accounts, computer and cell phone but dont want to invade his privcy unless i feel like something is really going on. His schedule is packed and during his free time he is with me. Yesterday he had the night off and was home with me. We both acted somewhat normal, I was a little nervous but we spoke to each other and watched a show together. I went to the store, made dinner and did some work on my own while he finished up some school work. When I took a shower he came in the bathroom to tell me was going to his car to get paperwork and when I got out he was at his desk. I don't know why he felt he needed to to tell me he was going to his car but I have a feeling it was because he didn't want me to think he just left. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the head when I was on the sofa. I really don't know what's going on in his head. I want to talk to him but I feel I should give him a little more space. However, he made me even more sick last night before bed when he sat next to me while I laying down and hugged me. He asked if He was confusing me when he did that and I said no. I told him that i needed hugs but i understood he needed space and I wouldnt call or text him during the day like he requested.
I'm becoming more confused by the day but part of me thinks he's testing me to see if I can change my clingy behavior but at the same time I honestly think hes has a lot of stress and he doesn't know how to handle it. I know he loves me and that our relationship issues are only part of many other factors.
I'm trying to get over the grieving period so that I can see everything clearer. I don't want to have my emotions played with but I also don't want to over react if it is just him trying to deal with his stress.
He is 28 and I'm 26

[Anonymous]

Honey, women who are doormats are never very attractive. Why are you giving him all of your power? I know I sound harsh, but I have "been there and done that" so I of which I speak. You need to set some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP - nothing will be resolved if you two remain living in the same apt. You need to either break the lease and get your own places, or he needs to move out (assuming you can afford the rent on your own). Totally not fair of him to expect to go on seeing each other all the time. Tell him if he "needs his space" he needs to leave so you can move on with your life. But first, get the finances in order. Don't be afraid, you can do it. I can assure you that someday you will look back on this relationship and thank your lucky stars that it ended.

[Anonymous]

We men understand that marriage is marriage and anything else is nothing.

OP, it may help down the road if you have e-mails in which your ex acknowledges the joint property that you need returned. You don't have to get all legalistic, just ask him when you'll get your share back. If he promises to return it, you'll have evidence that it wasn't your gift to him.

Good luck, and learn from this experience.