Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think, though, that anyone skipping the service and still attending the party does need to tell the host in advance and apologize. Blowing off an invitation is never the right answer.

(although I do think it is uncommon for people to skip the service, and even less common to skip because of some religious issue with attending someone else's simcha (celebration))

OP here, to be clear if we skip the service it will be because of a conflict with a playoff game for a travel team, not because we object to the religious aspect at all.

The RSVP card has 2 different lines. One for service/lunch and one for party, so if it ends up that he can only do one we'll RSVP appropriately.

[Anonymous]

I have never thought about it being disrespectful for kid's friends to skip the service and come to the party. The religious service is really important to family members/parents/grandparents/etc but the party is really for the kid's friends. Saturday mornings are so overscheduled these days, that I think many kids can't make a Saturday morning event but can make a Saturday evening event. When my kid is old enough, I will not be bothered if his friends come to the party and not the service. I'll just be glad that his friends like him enough to come to his party. I grew up in an area with a lot of Jews and by the end of my 13th year I never wanted to go to another one again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never thought about it being disrespectful for kid's friends to skip the service and come to the party. The religious service is really important to family members/parents/grandparents/etc but the party is really for the kid's friends. Saturday mornings are so overscheduled these days, that I think many kids can't make a Saturday morning event but can make a Saturday evening event. When my kid is old enough, I will not be bothered if his friends come to the party and not the service. I'll just be glad that his friends like him enough to come to his party. I grew up in an area with a lot of Jews and by the end of my 13th year I never wanted to go to another one again.

I think this veers a bit too far in the opposite direction from the mandatory attendance folks. My kids (now in high school) weren't upset if a few of their friends had conflicts and missed the service, but they absolutely cared about having friends there. They put a huge amount of work into preparing for their B'nai Mitzvot, and appreciated the presence of their friends. And they knew which friends had legitimate conflicts (yes, a travel soccer game would count) and which were just blowing off the service.

As a parent, my position was that if you could go to the service you had to go to the service. Even if you felt as though you had sat through a million services already, for your friend it was a unique event. But if you had a conflict, it was ok to skip the service and still attend the party. Most families I know had the same policy. If you were invited to two conflicting services (it happens), it was case by case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than cash gifts in multiples of 18, what is an appropriate gift?

Gift Cards for a store that they may want to buy a big present. My son wanted golf clubs so a couple of his friends gave him a gift card to a golf store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than cash gifts in multiples of 18, what is an appropriate gift?

Gift Cards for a store that they may want to buy a big present. My son wanted golf clubs so a couple of his friends gave him a gift card to a golf store.

Time to celebrate materialism
But if that really was your goal, then why have a party like that when the kid is not old enough to handle larger sums.
I would guess any gift that you thought was appropriate 2 years ago would be fine.
Kills me to think the family is trying to give a show for money. Like that family from wife-swap tv-show, who planned a $50K bar mitzvar for their son that they could not afford, and then the host man from the swap got to descide how they spend the money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than cash gifts in multiples of 18, what is an appropriate gift?

Gift Cards for a store that they may want to buy a big present. My son wanted golf clubs so a couple of his friends gave him a gift card to a golf store.

Time to celebrate materialism
But if that really was your goal, then why have a party like that when the kid is not old enough to handle larger sums.
I would guess any gift that you thought was appropriate 2 years ago would be fine.
Kills me to think the family is trying to give a show for money. Like that family from wife-swap tv-show, who planned a $50K bar mitzvar for their son that they could not afford, and then the host man from the swap got to descide how they spend the money

The fact you don't know me or my family and can be so critical and nasty is beyond me. Our goal was for my son who had been ill, to celebrate a pretty important occasion in our lives and his. we have lots of older relatives and our celebration was a wonderful occasion for all of us to celebrate something happy and together. If his friends wanted to do something nice for him and that gift would mean something to him, why does that make you jump to show for materialism. You can think all you want it is a show for money. for us it was to celebrate life and happiness. Since you weren't there you don't have any idea what we did.

[Anonymous]

I have never thought about it being disrespectful for kid's friends to skip the service and come to the party. The religious service is really important to family members/parents/grandparents/etc but the party is really for the kid's friends. Saturday mornings are so overscheduled these days, that I think many kids can't make a Saturday morning event but can make a Saturday evening event. When my kid is old enough, I will not be bothered if his friends come to the party and not the service. I'll just be glad that his friends like him enough to come to his party. I grew up in an area with a lot of Jews and by the end of my 13th year I never wanted to go to another one again.

Please don't make your thoughtlessness sound acceptable. It is rude to skip the service and only attend the party. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never thought about it being disrespectful for kid's friends to skip the service and come to the party. The religious service is really important to family members/parents/grandparents/etc but the party is really for the kid's friends. Saturday mornings are so overscheduled these days, that I think many kids can't make a Saturday morning event but can make a Saturday evening event. When my kid is old enough, I will not be bothered if his friends come to the party and not the service. I'll just be glad that his friends like him enough to come to his party. I grew up in an area with a lot of Jews and by the end of my 13th year I never wanted to go to another one again.

I agree. I expect our kids' closest friends to attend services but most of their friends will just attend the party. I see the services as a family/close friends event and the party more of a free for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. I expect our kids' closest friends to attend services but most of their friends will just attend the party. I see the services as a family/close friends event and the party more of a free for all.

This is an important distinction. I expect my kid's close friends would attend the service, but I think its fine if casual acquaintances or those kids who know my kid through mutual activities, school, synagogue, but who are not good friends come to the party alone. We make these same distinctions as adults. When a close friend holds an event, we go. When a casual work friend has an event, we might go to part of it or make an appearance to be nice. Depending on the relationship or the circumstances, different levels of participation are acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. I expect our kids' closest friends to attend services but most of their friends will just attend the party. I see the services as a family/close friends event and the party more of a free for all.

This is an important distinction. I expect my kid's close friends would attend the service, but I think its fine if casual acquaintances or those kids who know my kid through mutual activities, school, synagogue, but who are not good friends come to the party alone. We make these same distinctions as adults. When a close friend holds an event, we go. When a casual work friend has an event, we might go to part of it or make an appearance to be nice. Depending on the relationship or the circumstances, different levels of participation are acceptable.

All I can say is that my kids would have been VERY disappointed if they had looked out and seen only a few very close friends. They did not think of the service as only special for grandparents and best friends, and that is not the norm in this area. Just go to a few B'nai Mitzvot and look at the crowd - no-one has that many very close friends.

That said, for a child with a real conflict, they were not offended if the friend only came to the party, as long as they knew in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. I expect our kids' closest friends to attend services but most of their friends will just attend the party. I see the services as a family/close friends event and the party more of a free for all.

This is an important distinction. I expect my kid's close friends would attend the service, but I think its fine if casual acquaintances or those kids who know my kid through mutual activities, school, synagogue, but who are not good friends come to the party alone. We make these same distinctions as adults. When a close friend holds an event, we go. When a casual work friend has an event, we might go to part of it or make an appearance to be nice. Depending on the relationship or the circumstances, different levels of participation are acceptable.

All I can say is that my kids would have been VERY disappointed if they had looked out and seen only a few very close friends. They did not think of the service as only special for grandparents and best friends, and that is not the norm in this area. Just go to a few B'nai Mitzvot and look at the crowd - no-one has that many very close friends.

That said, for a child with a real conflict, they were not offended if the friend only came to the party, as long as they knew in advance.

I don't believe you. Your kids would be VERY disappointed if everyone they invited didn't attend a religious service? I think you would be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. I expect our kids' closest friends to attend services but most of their friends will just attend the party. I see the services as a family/close friends event and the party more of a free for all.

This is an important distinction. I expect my kid's close friends would attend the service, but I think its fine if casual acquaintances or those kids who know my kid through mutual activities, school, synagogue, but who are not good friends come to the party alone. We make these same distinctions as adults. When a close friend holds an event, we go. When a casual work friend has an event, we might go to part of it or make an appearance to be nice. Depending on the relationship or the circumstances, different levels of participation are acceptable.

Yes, but I know in no case, in the adult world, where it's acceptable to skip the main part of an event and just go to the fun part. I brought up weddings before, and I'll bring it up again. If I don't know someone very well, sure, I may attend the ceremony and skip the reception. Or, I may not attend. But, unless there is a conflict, it's really, really rude to skip the actual serious ceremony (for no better reason than, ugh, boring) and go to the party.

If you want to throw your kid a big birthday party, great. But, in most cases, a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is something completely different. A kid will spend years studying and preparing. They will make sacrifices and not get to do other afterschool or weekend activites. Often they will do a long term service project. And for people to blow off the ceremony because it's boring, or they don't know the kid very well /and/ then to go and celebrate at the part thats fun for them as a guest.... Sorry, I call it like I see it, extremely rude, and a really awful lesson to your kids if you allow them to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. I expect our kids' closest friends to attend services but most of their friends will just attend the party. I see the services as a family/close friends event and the party more of a free for all.

This is an important distinction. I expect my kid's close friends would attend the service, but I think its fine if casual acquaintances or those kids who know my kid through mutual activities, school, synagogue, but who are not good friends come to the party alone. We make these same distinctions as adults. When a close friend holds an event, we go. When a casual work friend has an event, we might go to part of it or make an appearance to be nice. Depending on the relationship or the circumstances, different levels of participation are acceptable.

Yes, but I know in no case, in the adult world, where it's acceptable to skip the main part of an event and just go to the fun part. I brought up weddings before, and I'll bring it up again. If I don't know someone very well, sure, I may attend the ceremony and skip the reception. Or, I may not attend. But, unless there is a conflict, it's really, really rude to skip the actual serious ceremony (for no better reason than, ugh, boring) and go to the party.

If you want to throw your kid a big birthday party, great. But, in most cases, a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is something completely different. A kid will spend years studying and preparing. They will make sacrifices and not get to do other afterschool or weekend activites. Often they will do a long term service project. And for people to blow off the ceremony because it's boring, or they don't know the kid very well /and/ then to go and celebrate at the part thats fun for them as a guest.... Sorry, I call it like I see it, extremely rude, and a really awful lesson to your kids if you allow them to do so.

As a Jewish parent of three boys-I fully understand the process. However, many, non-Jews especially don't and I don't expect them to. We would welcome all of our kids' friends to the service but no way am I expecting them all to come nor will I judge them for only coming to the party. We are celebrating an important milestone and I see the service more as a family event. The entire school doesn't need to be there, hopefully their best friends will and that's what counts. I am not going to spend the day keeping tally of who attended what because I don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a Jewish parent of three boys-I fully understand the process. However, many, non-Jews especially don't and I don't expect them to. We would welcome all of our kids' friends to the service but no way am I expecting them all to come nor will I judge them for only coming to the party. We are celebrating an important milestone and I see the service more as a family event. The entire school doesn't need to be there, hopefully their best friends will and that's what counts. I am not going to spend the day keeping tally of who attended what because I don't care.

PP here. I totally understand what you're saying. And I'd never judge anyone who skipped the service out of unfamiliarity with Judiasm. In fact, if someone skipped, I'd likely assume they either had a conflict or were simply unfamiliar with Judiasm. But, this thread was started by someone wanting to be educated on the etiquette of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. It sounds like the OP has a legitimate conflict. But, other folks might read this. Or, the OP may be invited to another Bar Mitzvah. So, since they were asking, I'm going to be upfront. The ceremony is the big deal. The party is just a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a Jewish parent of three boys-I fully understand the process. However, many, non-Jews especially don't and I don't expect them to. We would welcome all of our kids' friends to the service but no way am I expecting them all to come nor will I judge them for only coming to the party. We are celebrating an important milestone and I see the service more as a family event. The entire school doesn't need to be there, hopefully their best friends will and that's what counts. I am not going to spend the day keeping tally of who attended what because I don't care.

PP here. I totally understand what you're saying. And I'd never judge anyone who skipped the service out of unfamiliarity with Judiasm. In fact, if someone skipped, I'd likely assume they either had a conflict or were simply unfamiliar with Judiasm. But, this thread was started by someone wanting to be educated on the etiquette of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. It sounds like the OP has a legitimate conflict. But, other folks might read this. Or, the OP may be invited to another Bar Mitzvah. So, since they were asking, I'm going to be upfront. The ceremony is the big deal. The party is just a party.

point taken however, I personally don't agree. Yes the ceremony is an absolutely BIG deal, but more for those that are close to the child. And yes a party is a party but it marks the end of a very long process and day and it is simply about having a great time with friends-all friends. I guess I see it as the more the merrier, let's celebrate and have fun. I see this as a personal journey that should be cherished by those who have been there for the entire process. I would say that if you can attend the service the family would be very happy but if we only see you at the party, I hope you have a great time!