Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All I can say is that my kids would have been VERY disappointed if they had looked out and seen only a few very close friends. They did not think of the service as only special for grandparents and best friends, and that is not the norm in this area. Just go to a few B'nai Mitzvot and look at the crowd - no-one has that many very close friends.

That said, for a child with a real conflict, they were not offended if the friend only came to the party, as long as they knew in advance.

I don't believe you. Your kids would be VERY disappointed if everyone they invited didn't attend a religious service? I think you would be disappointed.

I didn't say that my kids would have been disappointed if everyone they invited didn't attend their service. I said they would be disappointed if only a few friends attended. And whether you believe me or not, they knew who came, who told them in advance that there was a conflict, and who didn't show up. It's not a question of judging the kids who didn't attend the service (and most kids DID attend the service), it's that it was important to my kids to have their friends there. And yes, I would have been disappointed, but more because I would have hurt on behalf of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

All I can say is that my kids would have been VERY disappointed if they had looked out and seen only a few very close friends. They did not think of the service as only special for grandparents and best friends, and that is not the norm in this area. Just go to a few B'nai Mitzvot and look at the crowd - no-one has that many very close friends.

That said, for a child with a real conflict, they were not offended if the friend only came to the party, as long as they knew in advance.

I don't believe you. Your kids would be VERY disappointed if everyone they invited didn't attend a religious service? I think you would be disappointed.

I didn't say that my kids would have been disappointed if everyone they invited didn't attend their service. I said they would be disappointed if only a few friends attended. And whether you believe me or not, they knew who came, who told them in advance that there was a conflict, and who didn't show up. It's not a question of judging the kids who didn't attend the service (and most kids DID attend the service), it's that it was important to my kids to have their friends there. And yes, I would have been disappointed, but more because I would have hurt on behalf of my kids.



Actually, the kids work very, very hard for the day. Sure, it is a religious service, but it is also a chance to show off years of effort.

Everyone understands that some people can't make it, and all of us know, even kids, how to have an invitation declined in a way that doesn't hurt the feelings of the person who did the inviting. However, the kids want their friends there, too.

[Anonymous]

As my Bat Mitzvah is coming up, I have been to many Bat Mitzvahs. It s absolutley very rude to go to the party and not services. The gift will depend on how close your child is with the Bar Mitzvah boy. Gifts in multiples of 18 are great, so are gift certificates.

[Anonymous]

"I don't believe you. Your kids would be VERY disappointed if everyone they invited didn't attend a religious service? I think you would be disappointed."

Yes. He has studied for years and the last year was very intense. He wrote a speech. He is proud of how hard he has worked and what he has accomplished. He wants to show off.

It isn't just a religious service.

[Anonymous]

It's very rude to attend party and not service u less you have a very valid conflict and ask in advance if it is ok to still Cme to party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never thought about it being disrespectful for kid's friends to skip the service and come to the party. The religious service is really important to family members/parents/grandparents/etc but the party is really for the kid's friends. Saturday mornings are so overscheduled these days, that I think many kids can't make a Saturday morning event but can make a Saturday evening event. When my kid is old enough, I will not be bothered if his friends come to the party and not the service. I'll just be glad that his friends like him enough to come to his party. I grew up in an area with a lot of Jews and by the end of my 13th year I never wanted to go to another one again.

I think this veers a bit too far in the opposite direction from the mandatory attendance folks. My kids (now in high school) weren't upset if a few of their friends had conflicts and missed the service, but they absolutely cared about having friends there. They put a huge amount of work into preparing for their B'nai Mitzvot, and appreciated the presence of their friends. And they knew which friends had legitimate conflicts (yes, a travel soccer game would count) and which were just blowing off the service.

As a parent, my position was that if you could go to the service you had to go to the service. Even if you felt as though you had sat through a million services already, for your friend it was a unique event. But if you had a conflict, it was ok to skip the service and still attend the party. Most families I know had the same policy. If you were invited to two conflicting services (it happens), it was case by case.

I agree. My kid just had his Bar Mitzvah and he put enormous mount of effort into it and he absolutely cared that his friends were there. Of course, it is understandable if a kid can't come because of a legitimate reason, but kids should make every effort to attend the services.

[Anonymous]

The ceremony is for family and close friends. The party is for a larger circle of friends to celebrate and have a good time. No way would I expect all of DS's friends to sit through the religious ceremony - especially if they aren't Jewish. Be happy they come to the party.