divorcing a man with borderline personality disorder
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Anonymous
| Anyone have attorney recommendations for NoVa? I am married to BPD spouse with one child. Need to get some good legal advice. |
Anonymous
| Divorce Poison is a helpful book. I have stuck out marriage for nearly 30 years in order to raise my children and maintain some control. Its been rough, and as the years have rolled on gotten harder. One thing that helped was creating healthy bonding experiences between my husband and children. Yes, it was manipulative and expensive. I seldom went on trips and there are virtually no family photos. One of my kids is now a doctor and one a professional musician and one is still stretching towards adulthood. Have good people in their lives who will still be there in young adulthood. Try to have funny things available like good humored jokes, posters, movies, music. It takes alot to cancel out the bad conduct. I read these submissions and almost want to cry. Recently my husband has filed for divorce and now I also am facing the struggle of my life but at least my kids have made it through. Its hard and it hurts and I am no longer young. Finding a new byway isn't easy but here is another thing that helped me personally---new words! Get a dictionary and look for words that are succinct, positive and get you to think along new mental pathways. I list phrases, words and figurative meanings etc. I am a professional. My life gears towards problem solving and tense situations, and hospice care. Its been heartbreaking to look back on a wasteland so take care of yourself and nurture yourself and cry when you have to. Smile when you can. I love my husband and I am sorry his life is so meaningless. |
Anonymous
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This is an old thread!
I divorced a BPD woman - thankfully no children. I was living in another state at the time, so the lawyer I used would be of no help. The lawyer was the best in town and was chosen because, despite the expense, it sent a signal to her (and any lawyer she found) that this was not for giggles. I got the lawyer with the vicious pit-bull reputation, and all he had to do was draft the papers on his stationary, no fighting involved. I highly recommend this approach. I made a 100% clean break - like, I was out of her presence within five minutes of the first time I said i wanted a divorce. That is because BPD fear, more than anything, abandonment. All the crazy behavior is an attempt to control/avoid abandonment. So, when you tell them: you are pulling the pin on a hand grenade. You better have all your ducks in a row and well-rehearsed so all you do is execute the plan as cleanly and fast as possible. I was lucky - I never spoke to my ex again after that moment and I will never have to. I have kept an eye on her whereabouts just to avoid unpleasant surprises, but she found a new mark very quickly and has him tied down with a child now. People who share children...ugh. I can't imagine. I think you better game out the co-parenting with a counselor and custody with a lawyer. After my experience, I would default to an adversarial stance, and ensure I was ALWAYS in a position of power relative to an abusive BPD master manipulator. The children will be used as weapons by the BPD sufferer. The BPD family site was a source of help for me - a huge one. PP @10:42 - my heart goes out to you, but it's awesome you were able to do that for your kids. My BPDex probably wouldn't be the basket case she is except for her father not being able to cope and abandoning her with her (even crazier) abusive bipolar mother. I'm pretty sure my ex's issues all stem from growing up with a horribly abusive mother when the sane parent - dad - bailed out and fled. |
Anonymous
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Shari Schreiber is a quack and has no credibility in the healthcare field. Anyone who follows her is more into armchair psychiatry and social media psychiatry, and doesn't understand BPD at all as a mental health disorder.
Do not self-diagnose family members with BPD. Just because they seem to be like someone else or have criteria on a checklist doesn't mean they have BPD. It actually needs to be assessed and diagnosed. Often BPD develops out of childhood trauma, and the shattered schemas and assumptions, cognitive distortions, and protective mechanism that form in the wake of the trauma or chaos or abuse (i.e. emotionally invalidating environments). BPD is typically a coping / survival response to childhood dysfunction or a pattern of maladaptive beliefs and perceptions that have developed over time. It should be professionally assessed and diagnosed. |
Anonymous
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The two who are doing the most damage are Shari Schreiber and Tara Palmatier. These two are claiming to be expert BPD therapists, flaunting credentials and using techno-speak to sell hate as clinical advice to vulnerable people for $160 an hour. And they are good at it – at least in their initial encounters with people. They are more advocates than therapists.
Since Schreiber started providing “therapy sessions” she has never had a valid therapists license – she was an “intern” and that was revoked in 2001. Interestingly, the license she does have is a cosmetology license #61510 (California) which she has renewed 15 times since 1981 to 2013. She started her web site in 2004 – she couldn’t get work as an intern. Her day job was cutting hair. She tried until 2007 to pass her boards and then gave up. On her website in 2004, she listed her specialty as weight loss, career transitions, mid-life struggles, sexual difficulties, anxiety, (adult) Attention Deficit Disorders – issues, she herself, was facing. Nothing about BPD. So where did she learn about BPD? Her first mention of BPD on her website was in October of 2009. So, she learned what she learned about BPD from being an Internet “broken hearts” coach and cutting hair. All the innuendo of clinical experience is fraud. Shari Schreiber scam, unlicensed, malpractice. Tara Palmatier scam, unlicensed, malpractice. You don't have to search too far to realize that she is uncover nightmare stories about her. Google: shari schreiber license Same for Palmatier. Google: tara palmatier technical expert |
Anonymous
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Why did you drag an old thread up to badmouth Shari Schreiber? Has she done something to you?
I've read her site, and her writings on BPD, which is a complex and confusing disorder, are very insightful. I don't know anything about her therapeutic claims, but the articles alone have been extremely helpful for me in dealing with my BPD spouse. |
Anonymous
You should retain a lawyer who is experienced with high conflict cases. Bill Eddy is a national consultant for lawyers that can help you and your local attorney strategize. Eddy is a therapist turned attorney. He's a solid reputable resource. There is a website, BPDFamily.com, that has a discussion group that is experienced with custody tips and traps when dealing with a spouse suffering from BPD. They discuss many of the Bill Eddy tactics. If you are looking for an expert witness, I would look to Caroline Ahlers MD, Ryan S. Shugarman MD. or Fox Vernon PhD. Shari Schreiber would not be a good resource. The opposing attorney would pick apart her credentials as fraudulent (she didn't pass her boards, she is unlicensed, no clinical experience with BPD) and she has a reputation of being a circus act (hot head, shooting from the hip, foul langauge). |
Anonymous
I've read part of her site and her message doesn't seem to go beyond people with BPD are psychopaths and any man who are in relationships with one must have "mommy" issues. Helpful? |
Anonymous
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This thread started five years ago. So now about once a year someone pulls it up specifically to discredit a woman who maintains a website with her writings about BPD and other issues.
I've actually read the site, and it's insightful. It helped me to finally begin to understand what was going on with my partner and a member of his family. I wouldn't use her for therapy, but that doesn't stop her from understanding and explaining aspects of BPD in a way that is helpful. |
Anonymous
There is a lot of negative chatter about Shari Schreiber's writing and claims on the Internet. I'm finding this out too late.
I found this thread doing research on Schreiber. I have had two sessions with her and it felt like I was dealing with someone with mental instabilities herself. Apparently others, like me, have been drawn in by her articles and entered her very dark world of healing and are trying to warn others to stay away. She has drawn quite a negative reaction ( http://i61.tinypic.com/dfuag.jpg ). There is good documentation on the web that this author is not a therapist, but rather a hair stylist (google her name and "barber") who got her masters later in life but never passed her MFT boards (google her name and license cancelled). She has made claims of being a therapist who treats other therapists and has treated sophisticated mental illness' including borderline personality for 20-25 year which, chronologically, means she is either not being truthful or that she treated mental health patients when she was a hairstylist (go to 35:44 on this audio recording http://www.blogtalkradio.com/avoiceformen/2011/10/04/dr-t-the-siren-song-of-crazy-toxic-women ). If she was helpful to you, great. My experience has not mirrored that, but I respect where you thoughts on the matter. My advice is to find other resources. |
Anonymous
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This thread has strayed far from "lawyers in North Virginia."
Rather than disparage a wayward blogger, here are some better resources: http://www.bpdresources.net/ |
Anonymous
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I am in the wake of a difficult 7-year relationship with a partner who was either undiagnosed BPD or BPD Spectrum.
As I scour the internet forums and articles for answers and to take my mind off of what I can not control I find some humor, albeit dark and cynical humor, when the troll-like responses of someone with obv denial and BPD traits indicate that some part of the text has triggered them. So often it is Shari Schreiber and her writings. How offended some people can get that there is someone out there making a living off of providing people with support and tools for success in the wake of failure and possibly even years of being an unheard victim of abuse and self-neglect. Old thread? Actual success or results? Relevancy to OP? THis doesn't matter because these ppl are TRIGGERED now. So nothing matters other than their feelings and what they think they need. SO THIS IS THE HARD TRUTH THAT THESE PEOPLE CAN RARELY WRAP THEIR HEADS AROUND Shari Schreiber's writing, her site, her therapy are not for YOU and they are not about YOU! So go away, turn around and stop making everything about effing YOU! Her perspective is about recovery and NOT blaming the BPD/NPD/ETC in your life for your choices, even tho they likely blame you. Blame is one of their strategies and it can be a toxic mindset that can consume the non-BPD. The important thing is to be bigger than that. Look back at the relationship and realize that you chose to be there for some reason and it was likely because you didn't/don't value yourself and feel that you deserved being treated that way for not doing enough for your partner or loving them enough, or the right way. Her advice is almost uniformly that you need to learn to love yourself, be good enough for anyone you choose to let into your life and realize that it isn't your duty nor will it likely be possible for you to fix the problems that other people have, especially when they refuse to accept that they even have them. You can't solve the problem by loving them harder or better. But you can fix it by loving yourself harder and better, and doing that often requires that you get rid of anyone who would stand in your way. I have never gone to see Shari, I don't have the money or time for that. I hadn't even heard of her until a few weeks ago when I read her literature and took it for what it was. She is not beating the bully pulpit to criminalize and stigmatize anyone who you may suspect of having a Cluster B Personality Disorder. She is providing the common sense tools and support that some people find they need after trauma and loss of self-worth. And knowing that Cluster B's tend to devalue and discard partners leaving once vulnerable people now hopeless and confused and clinging to life, she found a pretty solid area to market her services. I know it is so IMPOSSIBLE for BPD and NPD sufferers to ever learn this but: If you could consider the value that some things in the world have to people even though they may not be useful to YOU, then maybe you would not be TRIGGERED by quite so many inconsequential things... |
Anonymous
So, did you just Google your name and find this forum, or what? |
Anonymous
| Bump. |
Anonymous
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People with BPD tend to find the end of relationships to be quite traumatizing. It tends to amplify every bad thought they ever had about themselves and you. I knew she never loved me, I know I wasn't loveable, I knew ...
Pulling away from them feels like you keeping water just out of reach when they are dying of thirst in the desert...They will fight you for that water as they think they are fighting for their life. and when you keep pulling it away, you will become evil in their eyes. The divorce and aftermath will not go well. you need to brace an prepare for that, it will make them hate you and themselves, they may up the ante of their attempts to get you to see it their way or to pull you back in. |