Playdate frequency in private schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Little confused here: if my DC hosts the kids, doesn't the kid's parent/caregiver handle the transportation?

At my child's school (also a big 3) host's parents/nanny usually takes the guest home and the guest's parents usually pick up from host's home. I usually offer to drop kids back home but I am a SAHM so I more flexible.

[Anonymous]

OP: sorry I wasn't clear. I did a lot of invitations in the fall. Some don't invite back at all. Some did invite back, and we did up to 2 rounds. And then the other party stopped asking when it was their "turn". I am totally willing to overlook the turn thing, but it feels weird when the same moms are clearly taking other kids home for playdates but not DD. Does that make more sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to veer too far away from the OP's thread, but what is the frequency of playdates once your children reached third grade in private school? The "playdate culture" does seem different from what we experienced in our local public school, but this may just be a combo of the kids having busier lives, the longer commutes to playdates, and simply being new to the school and needing to make more of an effort to reach out. Would love to hear others' observations. Thanks!

We stopped encouraging after-school playdates at fourth grade, because the homework burden got heavier and we needed to enforce a homework-before-play rule. Now, at fifth, our DD sometimes gets together with a friend to do homework after school, but true playdates are reserved for weekends or school holidays (and aren't all that frequent because of distance and general busy-ness.)

[Anonymous]

Just curious, how well do most of you know these parents that you allow to take your child to their home? I am a little concerned about letting my child go to someone's home that I do not know well. Does that bother anyone else? There are so many people in the world you would never suspect that are pedophiles, drug users, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would think if the play date is right after school - the hosting family would provide transportation from school to their home And the parent of the guest child would pick them up.

That said - it all depends - I have to swap cars with DH to do that because my car is too small to have my kids plus one. I have also had some parents who don't want the play date to start right after school - so they end up doing all the driving. I have an infant so most parents have been extra flexible with me this year. (thank goodness)

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

Just curious, how well do most of you know these parents that you allow to take your child to their home? I am a little concerned about letting my child go to someone's home that I do not know well. Does that bother anyone else? There are so many people in the world you would never suspect that are pedophiles, drug users, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, how well do most of you know these parents that you allow to take your child to their home? I am a little concerned about letting my child go to someone's home that I do not know well. Does that bother anyone else? There are so many people in the world you would never suspect that are pedophiles, drug users, etc.

Well, you can host and get to know the kid a bit that way. If the mom or dad has time at drop off or pick up you can invite them in for a cup of coffee and chat a bit. You can invite the family over or to meet at a park or something if the playdate goes well. Invite a dad and son to a game or a mom and daughter to a movie. All sorts of ways to get to know people. It also depends on the age of your kids. I personally feel more comfortable if there aren't a bunch of teen boys at the house if my 6 year old DD is going over for example. Over time you will get to know the other families better. Trust your instincts. There is some degree of risk involved when your kids are with others, always, things happen at school and camps too. Read Protecting the Gift for a lot of great ideas. Google the parents. I need to know people pretty well to have my early elementary kids there for a sleep over, less well for a 90 min playdate after school. It is really important for kids to spend time with peers and to learn to navigate this stuff themselves, it's a balance and a process. It's fine to ask if they have boosters in the car and if they have guns in the home. If a parent takes offense, that is some good info you got right there. If after all that your anxiety is overwhelming and keeping your child from having a normal social life, then talk to an expert. I so wish that my kids had gone to preschools that fed to their current schools, it was so much easier when they were little and you went on playdates with them. It's never too late to start building a trusted network however. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I NEVER leave my child at a playdate! I bring her, stay with her, and take her home. I do not care who you are, your job title, how much money you have...bottom line, I do not know you well enough to leave my child. Parents do not get "laxed" with your children because this is a private school forum, most "nuts" are the people you least expect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I NEVER leave my child at a playdate! I bring her, stay with her, and take her home. I do not care who you are, your job title, how much money you have...bottom line, I do not know you well enough to leave my child. Parents do not get "laxed" with your children because this is a private school forum, most "nuts" are the people you least expect!

wow, really? How old is your kid?

Mine is 6 - the school is small, I know the moms and most of the nannies, dads are rarely if ever home and if they are, they re not responsible for the kids (nanny or mom is there), most kids in my DD's class are either the oldest or the only child so no older siblings to worry about.

[Anonymous]

PP how well did you know these parents before you began letting your child go to the homes of the kids in class?

[Anonymous]

We have a few friends that we tend to see every week. Usually I pick up from school, if I am hosting and the mom picks up from my house (or sitter, dad, whatever). If on the weekend, often they will drop off and pick up, unless we are taking the kids somewhere- i.e. out to lunch, a game, etc. then we would drop off usually afterwards.

I would say it looks like 1x a week or so for most of the kids we know at our son's school. But I wouldn't worry too much. I would continue inviting the girls she seems to like and I would also say teachers can be a really good resource on who might get along well or who might help your daughter with a certain group of girls, etc.

Also, I would increase your presence if you can around school. Offer to take a girl to ballet or soccer one day too, that kind of thing. All help in making friendships for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, here are some options: host kids, suggest they take classes, be flexible, invite kid/s + parents for dinner, go out to dinner w/kid/s + parents, etc.

As children age, they will ultimately make the call on their playdates, but it is still fairly flex at 5/6. I've endeared myself to moms of some of my kids' friends by offering to drop off their DC after a playdate (maybe delayed my errand to make that happen), drive both ways to a class a few extra times (moms with still napping toddlers love that), host folks for dinner, etc. While I try to be generous, I am not necessarily outgoing, but I've pushed myself here as I want my kids to integrate into their schools. Also, while your child may be the oldest, some of these families may already know each other because they have older children at the school. It takes a little time to break into that. But it can happen. Some of our closest friends at our kids' school have older children there - we haven't been shut out. Or focus on other new families. They may feel similarly to you.

[Anonymous]

To the parent who says that they never leave their child alone. Seriously how old is your child? I don't want to come across as mean but you could be really hurting your child in the end. Look things can happen, we all know that but putting your child in a bubble can creat anxiety and other issues. What I do is make a point of getting to know parents in my child's class-I have had get togethers so I feel pretty good about whose house I would allow my child to go over . For example--I don't allow dc to go over a family's house that has a dangerous breed of dog..I don't care if Spot is friendly, I won't take that chance. I would also be extra careful if there are older boys in home..not at this age (4). Not a big fan of nannies unless I have gotten to know the nanny really well..and there are a few that I know and trust..usually the au pairs are too flighty for me so I don't just say yes to everything but it's not good to say no.

[Anonymous]

I think many of you are way to lax with your kids! I mean really, how well do you know some of these parents? Talking to them at school functions does not equate to establishing a real relationship. I know you are very concerned about your kids social standings but c'mon! I think the PP who does not leave her kid alone is responsible. Yes things can happen anywhere but why chance it even more? I think too many of you are more preoccupied with how this affects YOU and your social interactions with some of these parents. I agree, instincts are important, but you would not just hand over the keys to your house or car to people you have just met so why is it expected that people will just hand over their kids?