How do WAHMS feel about all of this?

[Anonymous]

For me, its the best of both worlds and the worst of both worlds, and I feel really caught in the middle. I'm a part-time WA/OHM--I work two days at home, when DC is in daycare; one half-day at home when DC is with me; and one day in the office, when DC is with gramma. My office wishes I was there more, I wish I were home (not working) more, and DH wishes he made more money. So I've really seen all sides. Its not great/awesome/wonderful/amazing. Sometimes it really sucks. But it is BY FAR the best thing for us right now (until DH figures out the more money thing).

I have not personally been affected by the mommy wars in all of this. But the thing that strikes me the most about the debate is lack of respect. Take, for example, anti-daycare poster. You have a right to your opinion that babies should be with their moms at all times. That's fine. But when you start slinging mud ("use studies to justify their foolishness," "your priorities are messed up," "germ-infested heathen filled centers") you're NOT respecting "that people have the right to do what floats their boats." You are, in fact, DISrespecting them. So share your opinions, facts, and experiences all you like. Just stop, PLEASE stop, calling other people, and their choices, ugly names. It makes it hard to hear what you are actually trying to say when all I want to do is punch you.

[Anonymous]

But I don’t support it when little, tiny babies have to be without their moms. You knew you were going to have kids one day, you should have planned better; unless your income is really, really low. If not, I don’t feel sorry that you have to work outside the home to maintain your six-figure lifestyle instead of being with your baby. Your priorities are messed up. Especially those who proudly flaunt how they couldn’t stand being around their kids all day.

Because I have a baby and some ovaries, my career isn't allowed to be important to me? I have spent a lot more time on my career than my child.

[Anonymous]

13:55 says I don’t feel sorry that you have to work outside the home to maintain your six-figure lifestyle instead of being with your baby.

I don't ask you to feel sorry for me, I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm happy with my choice and I'm happy I can contribute to the bottom line and that our family can have the best of the best. I could SAH if I wanted, but I ENJOY earning an income and I feel good knowing that I could support my children if anything happened to my husband. Some women work becasue they have to and some of us work because we want to and we see value in providing an upper middle class upbringing for our children.

I'm with my babies pleanty, I can assure you they are happy and well adjusted children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do the work at home moms feel about all this SAHM vs. WOHM drama?

Do we escape the wrath because we are caught in the middle?

Or do we have our own drama- WAHM vs. WAHM- you are not a good WAHM because you don't have daycare vs. you are not a good WAHM because your kids never see you anyway vs. you are not really a WAHM anyway because you work for a party planning company.

I'm just wondering because it's lunchtime, I need a break, and I am always so confused when these debates start.

Honestly, I cannot imagine the depths of insecurity that cause women to wring their hands about and or attack each other about this subject on the internetz. Maybe it is because I'm a little older and came of age in an era when women were encouraged to be supportive of each other's career and reproductive choices. Also maybe because I have the choice to WAHM (what.ever., term), I'm wound a little less tightly on the issue.

That isn't to say there aren't other issues that I become completely over invested in around here. This just isn't one of 'em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate when people think I can drop everything for their little emergencies.

I hate when people expect me to run down my entire career history for them.

I hate that my mother gets mad if I don't have dinner ready when my husband gets home because that's "just lazy".

Ok, wow, I forgot about these things. Because these things REALLY happen to me too and I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well this is drama, but it’s how I feel.

I feel that most (not all) moms should be wahms. Even if you only sell candles once a week like pp mentioned.

For the most part, I don’t believe that women should be in the “traditional” workforce. Well, let me correct that- married women with children. But this isn’t a perfect world and that would only lead to more sexism so I guess I have to support it to some degree.

But I don’t support it when little, tiny babies have to be without their moms. You knew you were going to have kids one day, you should have planned better; unless your income is really, really low. If not, I don’t feel sorry that you have to work outside the home to maintain your six-figure lifestyle instead of being with your baby. Your priorities are messed up. Especially those who proudly flaunt how they couldn’t stand being around their kids all day.

I don’t support when people act like daycare is better or just as good as being with a loving parent.

I don’t support when people try to use studies to justify their foolishness. Babies need their moms, period. Don’t show me studies about how good daycare is. Just be honest and say your career is more important than your kid- I’d respect you more.

I don’t support WAHMS putting their kids in daycare. Have someone come to your house to provide care instead of slugging them off to those germ-infested heathen filled centers. Or send them to grandma and grandpas. Otherwise, go to work like the rest of them.

Now that I look, I guess I just have a problem with daycare. I would never say any of this aloud for fear of the torches. Yet, I respect that people have the right to do what floats their boats. That doesn't mean I can't have an opinion on it.



What a load of crap. Please tell me you're a man. I didn't put in 9 years into my career and 7 years of post-high school education only to give up my paid position. Pssst, I make more than my husband. If any parent "had" to stay home, it would have been him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am happy to work from home. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I wish I knew more work at home moms.... not the wanna-be's or the ones who sell candles once a week. I love you all, but we have different issues.

"Sell candies once a week".

Lol. Not patronizing at all.

[Anonymous]

For the record, there is NO PERFECT SITUATION. Working moms, SAHM, WAHMs...we're all just doing our best and parenting is DAMN HARD.

I'm a WAHM and I work part-time (about 15-20 hrs a week) in the evenings after my kids go to bed. Like another poster said, I feel like I have the best and worst of both worlds. I get to be with my kiddos during the day and watch the hit milestones and do fun things with them, but after my kids go to sleep is when my work starts. But I don't have to wash bottles and pump parts and pack bags for daycare, which WM's do. But I can start dinner earlier than my WM's do, but they get to talk to adults all day without getting interrupted by tantrums and "I want water" and whatnot. But our finances are seriously lacking even with the work that I do...and that equals stress.

It's all a give and take, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record, there is NO PERFECT SITUATION. Working moms, SAHM, WAHMs...we're all just doing our best and parenting is DAMN HARD.

I'm a WAHM and I work part-time (about 15-20 hrs a week) in the evenings after my kids go to bed. Like another poster said, I feel like I have the best and worst of both worlds. I get to be with my kiddos during the day and watch the hit milestones and do fun things with them, but after my kids go to sleep is when my work starts. But I don't have to wash bottles and pump parts and pack bags for daycare, which WM's do. But I can start dinner earlier than my WM's do, but they get to talk to adults all day without getting interrupted by tantrums and "I want water" and whatnot. But our finances are seriously lacking even with the work that I do...and that equals stress.

It's all a give and take, people.

I have the perfect situation as a ft wohm. I can see my kids as much or as little as I like. Of course, they are in school 32 hours a week, so it would be pointless to work less than full time. I can take a day off for any reason and not worry about childcare. Don't have any financial worries because I've always worked full time. Never wanted to spend 24/7 with the kids when they were pre-K age.

[Anonymous]

What is interesting is that the WOHM/SAHM issues did not come up, for me, until my child went to elementary school. When your kid is in daycare, everyone is a 2 parent working family. When you have a nanny, you have a nanny so you don't see zillions of other families every day. You might do classes or activities on the weekends when most other working parents do the same so you are meeting other working parents. It wasn't until elementary school that I got any real blowback for working FT and then it was surprising, very unpleasant, and basically unkind. For a short period of time, I worried that none of the other moms liked me. Then I got over it and went about my business. Me working is what is best for my family and for me for many, many different and complicated reasons. If what is best for your family is for you to SAH or WAH, great. I salute you. My only hope is that you might accord me the some of the respect that I show you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the most part, I don’t believe that women should be in the “traditional” workforce. Well, let me correct that- married women with children.

Huh. I didn't realize they had the internet in 1956.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record, there is NO PERFECT SITUATION. Working moms, SAHM, WAHMs...we're all just doing our best and parenting is DAMN HARD.

I'm a WAHM and I work part-time (about 15-20 hrs a week) in the evenings after my kids go to bed. Like another poster said, I feel like I have the best and worst of both worlds. I get to be with my kiddos during the day and watch the hit milestones and do fun things with them, but after my kids go to sleep is when my work starts. But I don't have to wash bottles and pump parts and pack bags for daycare, which WM's do. But I can start dinner earlier than my WM's do, but they get to talk to adults all day without getting interrupted by tantrums and "I want water" and whatnot. But our finances are seriously lacking even with the work that I do...and that equals stress.

It's all a give and take, people.

How do you have the energy to work at night?

Once it's 7pm, I am tired and I don't want to work anymore. I guess part of it is because I have a baby who never sleeps at night, so I am always tired. But I have to work or study during these hours because there really isn't any other time. I try to do as much as I can during the day, but my high needs baby makes it hard.

So I work off an on throughout the day/night. It's okay, but I'd really prefer to get it all done in one stretch.

I do get my "long stretches" on the weekend when DH is home, but really I prefer to make that family time.

I'm just wondering basically, are you tired after working all day with the kids? How do you focus at night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the most part, I don’t believe that women should be in the “traditional” workforce. Well, let me correct that- married women with children.

Huh. I didn't realize they had the internet in 1956.

My thoughts exactly. The problem with this poster is that she doesn't possess the intelligence or logic to really follow the implications of her "ideal" - if all married women with kids quit the workforce, we couldn't sustain our economy, and women would be second class citizens. Our medical care would be totally different (like it was decades ago when all the researchers and physicians were men), so many policies and practices would be different. Her life and the life of her children would be different. Very few women in grad school, women run businesses, etc. We'd all still be laying back in a hospital bed in stirrups birthing a baby while our husbands waited outside - my mom's experience, but not mine.

In no time in our history have the majority of moms stayed home. Women have always worked, the difference now is because of our critical mass and increased educational opportunities, more women have more meaningful and higher paid jobs. Highly recomend "The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap" By Stephanie Coontz that is all about this myth of the 1950s one income family. Not so for most Americans.

I have no interest in the mommy wars that really don't exist for me beyond DCUM; if someone says they think it's better for kids for moms to stay home, that is her opinion and it's fine with me. I do have issues with lapse in logic though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the most part, I don’t believe that women should be in the “traditional” workforce. Well, let me correct that- married women with children.

Huh. I didn't realize they had the internet in 1956.

My thoughts exactly. The problem with this poster is that she doesn't possess the intelligence or logic to really follow the implications of her "ideal" - if all married women with kids quit the workforce, we couldn't sustain our economy, and women would be second class citizens. Our medical care would be totally different (like it was decades ago when all the researchers and physicians were men), so many policies and practices would be different. Her life and the life of her children would be different. Very few women in grad school, women run businesses, etc. We'd all still be laying back in a hospital bed in stirrups birthing a baby while our husbands waited outside - my mom's experience, but not mine.

In no time in our history have the majority of moms stayed home. Women have always worked, the difference now is because of our critical mass and increased educational opportunities, more women have more meaningful and higher paid jobs. Highly recomend "The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap" By Stephanie Coontz that is all about this myth of the 1950s one income family. Not so for most Americans.

I have no interest in the mommy wars that really don't exist for me beyond DCUM; if someone says they think it's better for kids for moms to stay home, that is her opinion and it's fine with me. I do have issues with lapse in logic though.

*In my Antoine Dodson Voice* Wellllllll

to be fair, the post did say:

1) Not all women should work from home
2) This isn't an ideal world
3) If women stayed at home it would lead to more sexism

So some of that was addressed.

I think the delivery could have been better but it seemed to be less about a woman's place, and more about a child's place IMO.

[Anonymous]

"less about a woman's place, and more about a child's place"

it's really difficult to separate the two. If the ideal is that all women who have children are out of the workforce, it's not good for the children in my opinion. It tells daughters that if they want to marry and have kids they shouldn't plan on a career, and it tells sons that they should only go into careers that can support a family on one income.

It tells graduate schools not to accept women because X percent of them won't use the degree and it tells companies not to hire because each woman age 20-45 has an X percent chance of being pregnant.

It used to be legal, in this country, in our mother's lifetime, to fire a woman when she got married. Fun times.