Spouses of high earners with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the set up you have is a bit of a unicorn. Your HHI is $875,000! That is very high and is very unlikely to be made up with you taking a more stressful job and him taking a less stressful job.

Let's say you find something making $250k, which is a great salary and a huge jump for you. Odds are it is not going to be very flexible (definitely not when you are new) and your time off, pension, and insurance may be reduced and basically eat some of the gain you will make in salary. Your DH could take a pay cut but he's unlikely to find a "family friendly" job making more than $250k-$300k. So now you have basically halved your HHI and the end result is that you are more stressed and less available, possibly creating more problems for your family.

You also have to consider the career field your DH is in. At that income I am guessing he is something like an attorney in big law or maybe in finance. I am an attorney so can speak to this personally; there are not a lot of legal jobs that pay over $250k that are not stressful. If they exist, they are very hard to find. I also think that people who are always working and have always defined themselves that way would be the same in a "less stressful" job, they'd just be making less money.

He'd be better off trying to make his current situation work better. Maybe that's using some of the money to make life easier with meal delivery, household help, or a personal trainer. Maybe it's focusing on techniques to reduce stress. Maybe it's seeing if he can do less and still get by.

This post did resonate with me. I recently moved roles within the same company and it was something I'd been wanting for various reasons. However, the new group operates at a much calmer tempo than my old group. Suddenly I have a lot time. And this is normal within the group. It's a high margin group. Work-life balance is great. But I miss the stress and grinding of my old roles. I do. Really, I do. And now I've started quietly looking around to see what's out there because I have a lot of energy and want to tackle time consuming projects and clients. I prefer having intense eight weeks followed with a quiet week, then another intense eight weeks and so on, rather than effectively working 20 hour weeks. I'm aware many people wouldn't understand. And I do think that people who work in demanding roles complain about it but relish it at the same time. It's like marathon running or intensive cardio. You either get it or you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lawyer here. Main issue is that if you go to a “lifestyle” firm, there’s a good chance you’ll end up working just as much. Depending on the field, in-house may not be an option (and still has horrible hours in big tech). Government isn’t hiring much these days and the pay cut would be like 70%.

OP - yes that is DH's biggest worry is that he would take a pay cut for a "lifestyle" firm and then end up working the same hours. Which would not be ideal. He worked for DOJ a long time ago but would not want to go back there right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH's salary has increased year over year. We haven't been making this much for the past decade. We have had 3 kids in daycare from 2015-2021. That took a HUGE chunk of our money. We also paid off his law school loan aggressively.

I am actually fine with doing 80% of the kid/household things. Yes sometimes it gets stressful but all in all this is what I am used to so I don't find it overly burdensome.

I just feel bad that my DH is stressed all the time. Big law is feast or famine. When its busy, work is pouring in. When its slow you are always worried about not making your hours. So the stress is always present. It never goes away.

You have a really good attitude, OP.

My .02 is that the stress is something your DH can work on managing better. I am not suggesting that is easy but I think it could be the best solution for all of the reasons others have cited. There are generally two types of stress in big law. There are the external stressors like being on all the time, billable requirements, demanding clients, deadlines. And then there are internal stressors, which I would suspect are more of a contributor than your DH would readily admit, like perfectionism, feeling responsible for everything, not delegating effectively, difficulting disconnecting from work in his (admittedly limited) downtime, operating at an 11/10 at all times so his nervous system is maxed out when he is done working, unhealthy habits to cope like drinking too much or not sleeping or exercising. The second category is totally within his control. Would he be open to therapy?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I think any change comes from him. With the very high bonuses, it sounds like maybe some of this is him trying to keep up/strive? I don't think you need a higher paying job as it seems like you're well over comfortable income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the set up you have is a bit of a unicorn. Your HHI is $875,000! That is very high and is very unlikely to be made up with you taking a more stressful job and him taking a less stressful job.

Let's say you find something making $250k, which is a great salary and a huge jump for you. Odds are it is not going to be very flexible (definitely not when you are new) and your time off, pension, and insurance may be reduced and basically eat some of the gain you will make in salary. Your DH could take a pay cut but he's unlikely to find a "family friendly" job making more than $250k-$300k. So now you have basically halved your HHI and the end result is that you are more stressed and less available, possibly creating more problems for your family.

You also have to consider the career field your DH is in. At that income I am guessing he is something like an attorney in big law or maybe in finance. I am an attorney so can speak to this personally; there are not a lot of legal jobs that pay over $250k that are not stressful. If they exist, they are very hard to find. I also think that people who are always working and have always defined themselves that way would be the same in a "less stressful" job, they'd just be making less money.

He'd be better off trying to make his current situation work better. Maybe that's using some of the money to make life easier with meal delivery, household help, or a personal trainer. Maybe it's focusing on techniques to reduce stress. Maybe it's seeing if he can do less and still get by.

This post did resonate with me. I recently moved roles within the same company and it was something I'd been wanting for various reasons. However, the new group operates at a much calmer tempo than my old group. Suddenly I have a lot time. And this is normal within the group. It's a high margin group. Work-life balance is great. But I miss the stress and grinding of my old roles. I do. Really, I do. And now I've started quietly looking around to see what's out there because I have a lot of energy and want to tackle time consuming projects and clients. I prefer having intense eight weeks followed with a quiet week, then another intense eight weeks and so on, rather than effectively working 20 hour weeks. I'm aware many people wouldn't understand. And I do think that people who work in demanding roles complain about it but relish it at the same time. It's like marathon running or intensive cardio. You either get it or you don't.

My husband is like this. Loves a fast-paced job and readily admits it. He unfortunately does not make what OPs DH does or anywhere near it so at least they have that upside, haha.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to mess up your life by increasing hours or stress. Instead, let him decrease his hrs and stress so both of you can have a good work-life balance. At your level dual income household, all you guys need is a lifestyle reset to live a simpler yet better life.

[Anonymous]

DH makes about $700K and will be at $900K in another year or so and then into the millions after that. I was making $250K in a job I hated. It was a no brainer to quit while the kids are super young. We save something like 70% of our take-home income without me working. When you ran the models just on our $700K HHI savings rate without factoring in future salary increases it was something like “retire with $30M or retire with $35M in today’s dollars.” Yeah I’ll “give up” that $5M in appreciated savings to have a better lifestyle for us when the kids are young, it’s not even a serious question.

[Anonymous]

Does he actually want to decrease his work load enough to downgrade? Chances are if he seriously considers it, he will not. I agree with other posters that this sounds like he could benefit from better stress management because people can push a utopian narrative of equal work and home load but that is rare, and moreso at your hhi. Stop chasing a fantasy of a perfect seesaw imagining yourself with an easy to get higher paying job and your dh finding less stress after a pay cut. Life will also throw you some curve balls and you have to find a way to manage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How easy is it for you to get a higher paying job and for him to get a less stressful lower paying job?

Speaking as a wife who out earns her husband by 4x but also works way more, ya it would be great if he made more and worked more to take some of that pressure off me, but then we’d need a lot more outside help and that doesn’t manage itself. Pros and cons of both approaches.

is there ever $$ tensions in the family given the income disparity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all should be saving at minimum 500k/year. What is your FIRE number? If he can see the finish line, maybe you guys can do this for another 5-6 years then he can live his life and raise his kids.

do you understand math? taxes?

like you know what FIRE is but not able to figure out the taxes.

wierd.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH's salary has increased year over year. We haven't been making this much for the past decade. We have had 3 kids in daycare from 2015-2021. That took a HUGE chunk of our money. We also paid off his law school loan aggressively.

I am actually fine with doing 80% of the kid/household things. Yes sometimes it gets stressful but all in all this is what I am used to so I don't find it overly burdensome.

I just feel bad that my DH is stressed all the time. Big law is feast or famine. When its busy, work is pouring in. When its slow you are always worried about not making your hours. So the stress is always present. It never goes away.

Why is he so stressed if he doesn’t have to do anything at home?

[Anonymous]

I’d focus on saving aggressively and retiring early.

[Anonymous]

I gave up a F/T position when the kids were young so my lawyer DH could focus 100% on his career without ever having to juggle. Would you not working make any difference in his stress level? I take care of a lot of the administrative headaches that my DH just doesn't have the bandwidth for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised his salary / bonus isn’t higher if he’s in big law and just guesstimating ages based on kids being in elementary school - is he a partner? What’s his future salary / bonus appreciation look like - is he on a path to hit $1-2M in the future, or is where he is today likely where he lands comp-wise for the long run? If you said hey he’ll be at $1M in a couple years and $2M in 5-10 that impacts how people would evaluate this too.

OP- he is a non-equity partner so not equity yet (although its been talked about this year or next). Future salary is uncertain. I guess it just depends on how much business he can bring in. He is in a "big law" firm but its not like Cravath or anything.