Spouses of high earners with kids

[Anonymous]

Do you work? If so how much do you make? Is your job flexible?

I am the spouse of a lawyer who has a base of $575,000. Last year he made $725,000. I work full time in a VERY flexible job making $150,000 and carry all of our health insurance benefits plus I have a really good pension and a lot of time off.

We have 3 kids in elementary school and are very busy with school, sports, kids stuff, etc. I do the bulk of the kid and home stuff (probably 80%).

My husband is very stressed and is constantly working. I wonder if it would make more sense for me to find a higher paying job to give my husband to option to take a pay cut and into a more family friendly position. For those of you in similar positions what works best for you?

[Anonymous]

Does he want to work less? If he’s not willing to go in house, I actually don’t think there is a good option for a lower paying law firm job. And that would probably be at least a 250k pay cut. You then working more for a higher paying job would make things more stressful.

[Anonymous]

There was an extremely similar question asked in Jobs and Careers a few weeks ago.

You would be absolutely insane to give up a flexible 150k job with good benefits. Your husband isn't going to pick up the slack at home if he works less, and he might carry the same workaholic tendencies into a new job.

If he wants to reduce stress, let him get a lower paying job and reduce your HH budget.

[Anonymous]

How easy is it for you to get a higher paying job and for him to get a less stressful lower paying job?

Speaking as a wife who out earns her husband by 4x but also works way more, ya it would be great if he made more and worked more to take some of that pressure off me, but then we’d need a lot more outside help and that doesn’t manage itself. Pros and cons of both approaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was an extremely similar question asked in Jobs and Careers a few weeks ago.

You would be absolutely insane to give up a flexible 150k job with good benefits. Your husband isn't going to pick up the slack at home if he works less, and he might carry the same workaholic tendencies into a new job.

If he wants to reduce stress, let him get a lower paying job and reduce your HH budget.

As someone in a similar situation to what you describe- I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the set up you have is a bit of a unicorn. Your HHI is $875,000! That is very high and is very unlikely to be made up with you taking a more stressful job and him taking a less stressful job.

Let's say you find something making $250k, which is a great salary and a huge jump for you. Odds are it is not going to be very flexible (definitely not when you are new) and your time off, pension, and insurance may be reduced and basically eat some of the gain you will make in salary. Your DH could take a pay cut but he's unlikely to find a "family friendly" job making more than $250k-$300k. So now you have basically halved your HHI and the end result is that you are more stressed and less available, possibly creating more problems for your family.

You also have to consider the career field your DH is in. At that income I am guessing he is something like an attorney in big law or maybe in finance. I am an attorney so can speak to this personally; there are not a lot of legal jobs that pay over $250k that are not stressful. If they exist, they are very hard to find. I also think that people who are always working and have always defined themselves that way would be the same in a "less stressful" job, they'd just be making less money.

He'd be better off trying to make his current situation work better. Maybe that's using some of the money to make life easier with meal delivery, household help, or a personal trainer. Maybe it's focusing on techniques to reduce stress. Maybe it's seeing if he can do less and still get by.

[Anonymous]

Salaries offered are much lower now and less health benefits sometimes. Agree with above.

[Anonymous]

Is the stress getting to him? Why not invest some money and let him find something easier.
Stop shopping.

[Anonymous]

Also, does HE want a more family friendly position, or do you want him to have it?

What problem are you solving for? If it's DH's stress, maybe a new job makes sense but then you are possibly creating new stress in the form of less money. If it's that you need help with the kid logistics, you are better off using that $$$ to buy you some support.

In my personal experience and from my own observations, most high earning lawyers don't get an easier job and transform into a 50/50 partner with child/house tasks. He'd probably fill that time with personal time, if there is even that much more time to be had. Most lawyers work pretty hard, they just make less money than your DH!

[Anonymous]

Why would you need to get a different job? What you need to do is less than 80% of everything else if you’re still working, even part-time.

Are you saying you couldn’t live off of your 150k plus his 300k if he took a more manageable position? That sounds like a lifestyle/materialism problem, not a job stress problem.

[Anonymous]

You all should be saving at minimum 500k/year. What is your FIRE number? If he can see the finish line, maybe you guys can do this for another 5-6 years then he can live his life and raise his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all should be saving at minimum 500k/year. What is your FIRE number? If he can see the finish line, maybe you guys can do this for another 5-6 years then he can live his life and raise his kids.

Their after-tax income in Virginia, less their health insurance, is barely more than $500k on an $875k income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all should be saving at minimum 500k/year. What is your FIRE number? If he can see the finish line, maybe you guys can do this for another 5-6 years then he can live his life and raise his kids.

Their after-tax income in Virginia, less their health insurance, is barely more than $500k on an $875k income.

Oh poor babies!

[Anonymous]

OP - DH's salary has increased year over year. We haven't been making this much for the past decade. We have had 3 kids in daycare from 2015-2021. That took a HUGE chunk of our money. We also paid off his law school loan aggressively.

I am actually fine with doing 80% of the kid/household things. Yes sometimes it gets stressful but all in all this is what I am used to so I don't find it overly burdensome.

I just feel bad that my DH is stressed all the time. Big law is feast or famine. When its busy, work is pouring in. When its slow you are always worried about not making your hours. So the stress is always present. It never goes away.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer here. Main issue is that if you go to a “lifestyle” firm, there’s a good chance you’ll end up working just as much. Depending on the field, in-house may not be an option (and still has horrible hours in big tech). Government isn’t hiring much these days and the pay cut would be like 70%.