Betrayal hurts but so does separation
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Time is your friend plus staying very busy. Right now the worst thing is an idle mind when you think about the past. |
Anonymous
| Recently divorced here, 20 years together 17 married. For me deciding to leave was the most agonizing part and took me years(dh cheated). The separation was painful bc of all the change and expense, but the divorce brought peace. Only you know your marriage. but as someone on the other side of it, the peace is worth it. |
Anonymous
| OP here: Thanks for sharing, seems pretty bleak for me right now as I go through the process... |
Anonymous
| Op, find your own partner and get a therapy. Good sex also helps. |
Anonymous
Hang in there. It gets better. I was badly depressed throughout my separation. I didn’t want the divorce and after 20 years of marriage, I felt like I was in free fall. I wasn’t exactly happy when the divorce was finalized, but a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Things continue to get better, even though I will always be at least a little sad about all of it. It was the uncertainty that did me in – it was truly the lowest point in my life. So once the uncertainty was resolved, my brain was able to stop spinning with a million if/then scenarios. I find myself enjoying things again. I’m rebuilding my life and I’m really proud of how well I handled myself. At the outset, I promised myself that I wouldn’t do anything that would cause me to cringe in retrospect and, however silly it sounds, it really helped. The initial weeks/months were bleak, but the only way out is through. It’s trite, but true. A good therapist helps a lot. |
Anonymous
|
You will be okay, but as others have said the only way through is to feel the feels, mourn the marriage, and put one foot in front of the other over and over again until it stops feeling like work.
Eventually, the new life in front of you will be more exciting and appealing than what you are leaving behind. |
Anonymous
Yup! worked for me. Getting involved with someone new brings a lot of excitement and freshness. |
Anonymous
Not sure if I have it in me plus seems like such a long road until separation will get finalized |
Anonymous
I can't agree with that. Find yourself first, don't rush into dating. Start dating when you've truly left your marriage and your husband behind. Takes probably one or two years. |
Anonymous
It’ll be healthier for you in the end. Also, if alimony is likely, it’s stupid to risk it. Unless a separation agreement is signed or until settlement is finalized, you’re married until you’re not – at least in Virginia. So then it’s adultery. I’m not saying that in a pearl-clutchy, morality police way, but adultery is a legit reason to deny alimony. |
Anonymous
You don’t have to rush into a relationship, but you should try to make yourself practice self-care. Eat well, exercise, get a nice haircut, lose weight if you need to and keep up with your medical exams. It sounds very cliched but it will go a long way towards your mental health. |
Anonymous
I already do all this-the unpleasantness of the whole thing just pulls me down and I feel I will live this way. Unable to even have a conversation with him regarding kids and other stuff |
Anonymous
Nah. Don't rush into a relationship. I hooked up with someone a few months after my ex moved out. Cleared the cobwebs. A few months later I met someone and we had incredible sex for a few months. It was super helpful. I wasn't looking for a new life partner. I'm on hiatus from dating at the moment. But you can definitely work on yourself and find yourself and have sex before the divorce is finalized. |
Anonymous
I hear you, OP. It's really hard. I switched to email-only communication almost immediately because it was just too hard in myriad ways. |
Anonymous
Are you living in the same house or has he moved out? Either go to email-only contact or one of those coparenting apps. |