Betrayal hurts but so does separation

[Anonymous]

After over a year of being at the receiving end of deception and lies because of an affair, and continuous denial with no changes I decided to initiate separation. Sound strange but he did make life easy for me and is a doting dad. The thought of losing our shared history of three decades, last three years being bad sucks. I was done with this relation full of lies and denials, and yet it hurts to leave..I have a fulfilling job, hobbies, friends, beautiful children and yet I have this sinking feeling..will it ever go away??

[Anonymous]

Is the affair ongoing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the affair ongoing?

It is I believe, the coworker is still there

[Anonymous]

I'm sure the separation hurts, but you must have made the right choice, staying would have hurt more. I'm sorry your spouse treated you like that.

[Anonymous]

Yes it will go away…..
It will just take some time.

❤️‍🩹
Make sure to allow yourself to feel/experience the heartbreak fully.
There are no shortcuts to overcoming grief.
Healing ➕ moving on is going to be a process - - and not necessarily a linear one.

But keep your eye on the prize >> there will come a day when you will be free of this pain >> when your husband will no longer hold any power to ever hurt you again.

That freeing feeling will be a huge weight lifted off of you.

In the meantime, practice lots of self-care/love.

[Anonymous]

Your future self will thank you for moving on

[Anonymous]

Separating sucks being separated is glorious.

You have to go through the fire to come out the other side renewed.

[Anonymous]

Stay focused on the practical details for now. Get a good lawyer and negotiate a fair settlement. Seek individual therapy for yourself and take care of your health. It’s normal to mourn the relationship you had and the life you wish you would have continued to have. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

You'll ve ok OP.

One foot in front of the other then one day you look up and you're miles down the road and the sun is shining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After over a year of being at the receiving end of deception and lies because of an affair, and continuous denial with no changes I decided to initiate separation. Sound strange but he did make life easy for me and is a doting dad. The thought of losing our shared history of three decades, last three years being bad sucks. I was done with this relation full of lies and denials, and yet it hurts to leave..I have a fulfilling job, hobbies, friends, beautiful children and yet I have this sinking feeling..will it ever go away??

You have everything you need, internet friend. Sadly, you are in very good company. It is senseless, and it is awful until it is not. Hope to see you out there somewhere, when you make it through.

[Anonymous]

OP again: for those of you who went through this and are working, how were you able to maintain your focus at work? My job demands a lot of focus and I struggle sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: for those of you who went through this and are working, how were you able to maintain your focus at work? My job demands a lot of focus and I struggle sadly.

Same here; I'm with you. My DH is very ill and will die soon, focusing at work is impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the affair ongoing?

Why does it matter? Didn't the OP mention she went through this for a year at least and only received denials?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: for those of you who went through this and are working, how were you able to maintain your focus at work? My job demands a lot of focus and I struggle sadly.

compartmentalization.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it does get better. But, it gets better faster if you: go into individual therapy, get a good divorce lawyer and have a clear fair settlement that favors you a bit but is not onerous to him (so that each of you feels you were fair but neither of you feels used), focus on your kids but also on your career (even if it means starting something new), your own extended family of origin, your friend network, and if you need meds, see a psychiatrist. (There are some people who are prone to rumination and there are meds that can help you minimize that.)

Try to look at this not as losing everything, but starting a new chapter. We all have to do that, often for reasons out of our control. If you have kids, model resilience for them, not by pretending everything is ok, but by letting them see that starting something new is a recurring them in life.

I also was the victim of infidelity and gaslighting for a long time. I also made the choice to end the marriage because of it. It's very traumatizing - and I mean that in a clinical way. I had complex post-traumatic stress disorder from it. The biggest mistake I made was not getting into individual therapy immediately and not considering medication. Both would have shortened the "zombie" phase when I was walking around in shock for several years. I was in grad school, and I think for a year and a half, I couldn't learn or focus on anything.

Also, someone who does that to you is going to do other stuff to you probably. So, best to be prepared with professional support.