Teen has no social life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

Sad

I am not going to diminish that this is sad and feels bad as a parent. I would feel the exact same way.

And also, there is so much more to life than going to homecoming and prom and "typical teen activities". Really and truly. This time period is a tiny blip in his or anyone's life. I didn't do most of these things in high school and I had a terrific college experience and have a really full and active social life as an adult. More than a lot of people who post here on DCUM, it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 16 DS who has a good social life and I think a lot of it is he is friends with both boys and girls. Girls plan things and are often social glue. OP, does your friend have any friends who are girls?

Sorry that should say does your son have any friends who are girls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

I think there is something to this for some of these kids. The sports crowd can be pretty bro-y and douche-y. I have a good friend's son who fits this description and doesn't socialize outside of school because his school friend group is really up to no good and he knows it so he stays home more often than not. I think a kid like that, I would try to nudge the direction of getting involved in some other activities at the school to connect with different kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

But who is hurting? My DS1 was fairly similar to this, and like your son didn't seem unhappy in high school, though he had very little social life. He's 28 now. It took him a while to find his people in college but eventually he fell in with a lovely group that he is still close to/vacations with, he's had a few long-ish romantic relationships, and he even keeps in touch with and occasionally sees some of the people he was friendly with in high school. (In fact, he met his current GF, who I hope might become his wife some day, at a meet-up with some high school friends; she is a friend of one of them.) I don't think he perceives himself as having had a "tough time" in high school, and I don't think he feels like he missed out on anything important.

It will be ok. People don't need to go to high school dances/proms/games/parties to have a good high school experience or to be happy. They really don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

But who is hurting? My DS1 was fairly similar to this, and like your son didn't seem unhappy in high school, though he had very little social life. He's 28 now. It took him a while to find his people in college but eventually he fell in with a lovely group that he is still close to/vacations with, he's had a few long-ish romantic relationships, and he even keeps in touch with and occasionally sees some of the people he was friendly with in high school. (In fact, he met his current GF, who I hope might become his wife some day, at a meet-up with some high school friends; she is a friend of one of them.) I don't think he perceives himself as having had a "tough time" in high school, and I don't think he feels like he missed out on anything important.

It will be ok. People don't need to go to high school dances/proms/games/parties to have a good high school experience or to be happy. They really don't.

Sorry, me again. I meant to add: Since DS1 didn't have a lot of social activities going on in high school, I made it a point to do things with him more than I would have expected to with a teenager. On weekends, we often went to a museum or walked to get ice cream or coffee, went to the movies or watched a TV series, and we even took a few weekend trips, just the two of us. I tried to make it seem like this was natural and not out of the ordinary or anything to feel weird about. If he didn't want to go, he didn't, but honestly he seemed to like spending time with DH and me. (He still does, even though he has an active social life now.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

But who is hurting? My DS1 was fairly similar to this, and like your son didn't seem unhappy in high school, though he had very little social life. He's 28 now. It took him a while to find his people in college but eventually he fell in with a lovely group that he is still close to/vacations with, he's had a few long-ish romantic relationships, and he even keeps in touch with and occasionally sees some of the people he was friendly with in high school. (In fact, he met his current GF, who I hope might become his wife some day, at a meet-up with some high school friends; she is a friend of one of them.) I don't think he perceives himself as having had a "tough time" in high school, and I don't think he feels like he missed out on anything important.

It will be ok. People don't need to go to high school dances/proms/games/parties to have a good high school experience or to be happy. They really don't.

OP, please re-read this and then print it out and re-read it a couple more times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

I totally agree with this. I have 3 kids and the youngest is a senior in high school at a top private and is student body president and really liked by peers. However this kid spends a lot of time at home on weekend nights because she really doesn't like the party scene. I have two older kids who were very much into going out when they were each in high school so this is no slam against kids who party. But if this is not your thing it can really limit your high school social life at some schools.

[Anonymous]

DD was similar. She just finished first year at college and it is night and day. She has made many friends and has an active social life. High school was rough - no primary friend group. Social at school but not outside of school. I was worried about college but she’s doing great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 16 DS who has a good social life and I think a lot of it is he is friends with both boys and girls. Girls plan things and are often social glue. OP, does your friend have any friends who are girls?

I totally agree with this! He once in awhile hangs out with a girl but he goes to an all boys school so I think you may be on to something

[Anonymous]

Also depends on whether your child is an introvert or extrovert but I do appreciate what you are saying.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a social life? Maybe he doesn't really know how to initiate making plans and reciprocating plans. He would need to learn that growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

+1 same boat and I have a 16 year old DS

My son was like this through sophomore year. I pushed and it did get better. What worked for him was he started picking up friends and going out to lunch or dinner at a diner. Low stakes and no alcohol. Then driving range sometimes by himself and eventually some golfing with other guys. By senior year he got involved in student gov and that expanded his social circle.

[Anonymous]

My DS is only 14 but I have the same worry. He seems to have lots of friends at school, and through sports, but rarely does a thing on the weekend outside of sports. He does seem happy though.

[Anonymous]

Just echoing PPs who said it will get better. My DS had a very small friend group in HS that didn't do much socializing on weekends. He - and his friends - was particularly opposed to the parties/drinking/drugs scene the popular kids frequented - and their rude behavior. College has been wonderful for him - he quickly made a great friend group and got involved in lots of clubs/activities.

My advice is to give your kid a great home experience - in addition to offering/organizing activities and outings, be sure not to suggest your kid is "missing out" on HS activities. The most important thing is that you're raising a boy who will have a happy and healthy adulthood. HS experiences are just a small part of a big life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

It's no just boys. My DD was home a lot b/c she didn't want to drink etc. And lots of her friends were kids of immigrants who were not allowed to go out. And the popular friends were aholes.