Teen has no social life

[Anonymous]

I am totally projecting and I know it but my 16 year old seems to have a ton of friends at school and seems very happy but he is always home on the weekends and very rarely seems to get social invites from friends at school. And I know they happen because I heard there was one this weekend with kids he has told me are his good friends but he wasn’t invited 🥺

I know times are different as kids are home more than when we grew up and they have phones to “socialize” remotely but looking for any validation or comments or experiences from others. I guess no way to deal with this really but just let him live his own life…

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

+1 same boat and I have a 16 year old DS

[Anonymous]

Same. My 16 year old gets very few invites anywhere. He seems to be happy? I wish he would go out more.

[Anonymous]

I'd come up with some non party ideas/low risk/time defined ideas to encourage some time with friends. movies, driving range/top golf, bowling, baseball game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone. We have had a lot of similar conversations with other parents of teenage boys. In our case, we are trying to nudge them out of the house more and encourage them to make plans rather than just wait to be invited.

One thing I have heard from several parents is that some otherwise social, athletic, perfectly normal kids are more hesitant to go out because they do not want to be around drinking, vaping, or drugs. That does not explain every situation, of course, but I think it is part of the picture for some kids.

It is strange as a parent because they can seem happy, have friends at school, and still spend most weekends at home. I think phones and online socializing have changed things, but it is still hard not to worry when you hear about gatherings they were not invited to. I am trying to balance encouraging more real-life socializing with not projecting my own teenage experience onto them.

So helpful. Many thanks.

[Anonymous]

Great responses so far. Thanks DCUM!

[Anonymous]

He could drink Jack by himself and I
Wouldn’t question it

[Anonymous]

I have teenage girls so maybe it's different, but I encourage them to get together with friends as much as possible in person. They tend to do things like go to the mall, go to starbucks, out for froyo or ice cream, and go to birthday parties on the weekend. They are also busy with club sports on the weekend but that's another story. I know everything is online these days, but humans have evolved for in person, not virtual, socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have teenage girls so maybe it's different, but I encourage them to get together with friends as much as possible in person. They tend to do things like go to the mall, go to starbucks, out for froyo or ice cream, and go to birthday parties on the weekend. They are also busy with club sports on the weekend but that's another story. I know everything is online these days, but humans have evolved for in person, not virtual, socialization.

Encourage them to be inclusive, will ya?


My DD also has many friends at school but her very own bestie doesn't think to include her in anything out of school. She initiates but gets tired of being in that role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have teenage girls so maybe it's different, but I encourage them to get together with friends as much as possible in person. They tend to do things like go to the mall, go to starbucks, out for froyo or ice cream, and go to birthday parties on the weekend. They are also busy with club sports on the weekend but that's another story. I know everything is online these days, but humans have evolved for in person, not virtual, socialization.

Thanks! Totally agree on your last point. I do think things seem to be different with girls who are maybe often more social than boys. Maybe also an unfair generalization but anecdotally seems to be true in my experience.

[Anonymous]

My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

Sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is like this. Graduating this year. No proms, no homecomings, nada. DS seemed to be well-liked at school, but did not have a primary friend group. We try not to project as DS seems reasonably happy, but it keeps me up at night that he missed out on all the typical teen activities and I wonder where I went wrong in guiding him. I know other boys do this stuff because I hear about it from my friends, see photos on Instagram that hit my algorithm and see it with my own eyes when I am at school from time to time. Not gonna lie, it has been a very tough time. Parents who have not been through it really do not understand how hard it really is. Teaches you not to take anything for granted as this was not my own experience growing up and was not an issue with my older child. Hurts.

That sounds hard. Did he have an active social life in elementary school? Do you think that was because you could be the social engineer at that age, but it was up to him once he reached high school?

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 DS who has a good social life and I think a lot of it is he is friends with both boys and girls. Girls plan things and are often social glue. OP, does your friend have any friends who are girls?