Struggling to balance old friendships with people who have different lifestyles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your friend should understand. If not share.

Share what?

How busy you are

“ work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.”

[Anonymous]

If you care about her you make time for her. Period it's that simple. If you don't then let her go. Feeling guilty isn't a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a standing once a month dinner with a busy friend, and a standing 15 minute call with another. You prioritize what’s important to you.

Yeah, I'm pretty much rolling my eyes at this post if OP can't carve out 1-2 hours to go have dinner with a friend she's a chitty friend, she doesn't want to hear this through. She's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle?

Ex, I have a few old friends who have very little family. One is an only child, not close with extended family, and she works only part time (very PT). She is now married, but no kids. She is close with one of her parents but doesn’t see her often.

I work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.

I feel bad that I don’t call her back right away, she invites me on vacations but I don’t have time to go on them, etc.

She seems understanding at times, but I’m sure she notices.

She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Well, for starters, you could work on how much contempt you have for this friend. Just because you chose to have kids and a full-time job and spend time with your extended family doesn't make you a better person than she is. And if you want to protest that you don't think that, you do, it's clear from your post.

Your "feeling bad" that you don't call them back or travel with them is coming across as fake pity and it's gross. What exactly do you think your friend notices? That you think your life is more important and fulfilling than hers? I'm sure she does notice, since I noticed.

+1M We all see it. I think her friend she be done with OP. I feel bad for the friend who's being judged like that because she doesn't have kids or a large extended family.

Shame on you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have children. (Why am I on DCUM? Because it's a forum with lots of interesting discussions about plenty of things, like politics, culture, travel, work, etc.)

I know that people who are parents are very busy. Busier than I am.
I'm sure that your friend knows and understands that too. She is calling you and inviting you because she likes you. She knows that you are busy, but she wants to be in your life.
We people with no kids, we have lots of other things in our lives. You write that she is married, and that she has a part-time job. Maybe she has plenty of hobbies? Maybe she volunteers.
We are not as busy as you parents are, but we can still have commitments and active lives.

One day your children will be adults, and then you will be able to spend more time with your wonderful friend.

"One day your children will be adults, and then you will be able to spend more time with your wonderful friend."

Who won't be there anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP, just get over yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just get over yourself

+1

OP Here is a little reading for you:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/0/1322978.page#32019106

[Anonymous]

I am kind of like OP's friend. Not close to my family, married, one kid. I have friends who have way more on their plate -- lots of extended family obligations, multiple kids, busy jobs or spouse with very busy job, etc.

I have never sat around thinking these friends somehow are not showing up enough for me. Sometimes I'll invite them to something or reach out about getting together and they will decline because of other obligations, and while of course I'm disappointed we won't be getting together, I move on. I have other friends.

I think what OP might not realize is that people who have lives like this often like them this way. I think sometimes people like OP assume everyone looks at them and wishes their life was like that. I do not. I could have had more kids, I used to have a much more demanding job. But my spouse and I share a preference for a simpler life with fewer obligations. We love the flexibility of our life. Right now we are all lounging around our house reading or relaxing. This afternoon I will meet with our landscaper and do a little bit of work, my spouse and kid will go to the library. We are going out to eat tonight because we don't like cooking on Saturday. We have reached out to two different families about joining us for dinner tonight, one like OP and one more like us. They may both come, only one may come, or maybe neither can make it and we will go alone. We are happy with all those options. I will not be upset or offended if either family declines. We will see them again in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Maybe you should prioritize a vacation and drop something else?[/b] I think she is on the right path by choosing experiences and joy rather than running herself ragged every day. Maybe you could learn something from her.

I'm in a similar position as OP. I barely have time to take vacations with my family. I am not going to drop something else to take a vacation with a friend. I have a friend like OPs and she completely understands. We talk on the phone every few weeks to keep the connection. But when I am overwhelmed with work, aging parents, kids, job etc, she is always patiently there when I come up for air. I cherish her.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that you will drift further and further apart if you don't make time to see her. That's just how it goes. Yes, friendships have seasons and change over time, but they require reciprocal effort to maintain. What that looks depends on each of you, and it will change as you move through the seasons of life. But there has to be some effort on both sides for a friendship to survive.

If you care about her as a friend and don't want to lose her as you say, then you make it a priority to see her when you can. It doesn't have to mean going on a vacation together. But not returning text messages or calls, or not finding one a couple of hours every month or so to have dinner (or whatever) sends a message. The message is that you don't value the friendship very much. At some point she'll stop reaching out to you if this keeps up.

[Anonymous]

Omg there are some angry nut jobs on this forum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a standing once a month dinner with a busy friend, and a standing 15 minute call with another. You prioritize what’s important to you.

Yeah, I'm pretty much rolling my eyes at this post if OP can't carve out 1-2 hours to go have dinner with a friend she's a chitty friend, she doesn't want to hear this through. She's the problem.

I’m not op but you are crazy and also don’t understand what it’s like to be truly busy with multiple people who depend on you, and where you fall asleep dead tired almost every night. This is the reality for many working parents, and never mind perimenopause hitting. You’re clearly a dumb twat and it shows

[Anonymous]

Completely different lifestyle....very difficult for this to truly work out. Time flies so if you're going to hangout w her then you're giving up something else. House, kids, spouse, gym, hobbies. Working FT sucks up all your energy and time already so not much else left

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg there are some angry nut jobs on this forum

Absolutely - likely single or divorced and likes to drink and party like a 21 year old every night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle?

Ex, I have a few old friends who have very little family. One is an only child, not close with extended family, and she works only part time (very PT). She is now married, but no kids. She is close with one of her parents but doesn’t see her often.

I work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.

I feel bad that I don’t call her back right away, she invites me on vacations but I don’t have time to go on them, etc.

She seems understanding at times, but I’m sure she notices.

She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

We all have friends at different stages of our lives. Just because you don't see each other all the time doesn't necessarily mean your friendship doesn't have value and might not have longevity. Real friends are like what people pick out of a dating app. A good friendship endures. If it is just an aquaintanceship that's find.

Ignore the commenters calling you a "chitty" friend because you aren't like a character from a lousy 90s sitcom.

FYI: recently tacked a few days on a business trip to see a college friend I haven't seen since her wedding. (She's now a single mom going through a contentious divorce from her soon to be ex who decided he didn't want to be a dad after having a kid.) On paper we have nothing in common. We just shared one class in college. In reality, we are still tight enough to stay up all night drinking talking about anything and everything.