Struggling to balance old friendships with people who have different lifestyles

[Anonymous]

How do you handle?

Ex, I have a few old friends who have very little family. One is an only child, not close with extended family, and she works only part time (very PT). She is now married, but no kids. She is close with one of her parents but doesn’t see her often.

I work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.

I feel bad that I don’t call her back right away, she invites me on vacations but I don’t have time to go on them, etc.

She seems understanding at times, but I’m sure she notices.

She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

[Anonymous]

I think true friends understand that life has different seasons, and certain seasons don't allow for a lot of vacations or leisure time. It's fine.

[Anonymous]

Your friend should understand. If not share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your friend should understand. If not share.

Share what?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should prioritize a vacation and drop something else? I think she is on the right path by choosing experiences and joy rather than running herself ragged every day. Maybe you could learn something from her.

[Anonymous]

Can you make an effort to include her where possible? Or set aside one weekend night a month where you get takeout and chat after the kids are asleep? Something simple to maintain the connection.

And agree that it’s worth spelling out for her and she is important and you’re trying - she can help tell you what would be most meaningful to her.

[Anonymous]

You make time for people you care about. Even with family and obligations. Not all the time in the world but a concentrated quantity of quality time. Like a weekend away etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should prioritize a vacation and drop something else? I think she is on the right path by choosing experiences and joy rather than running herself ragged every day. Maybe you could learn something from her.

Op should drop her job? Lolz. Dumb comment

[Anonymous]

I have a standing once a month dinner with a busy friend, and a standing 15 minute call with another. You prioritize what’s important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle?

Ex, I have a few old friends who have very little family. One is an only child, not close with extended family, and she works only part time (very PT). She is now married, but no kids. She is close with one of her parents but doesn’t see her often.

I work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.

I feel bad that I don’t call her back right away, she invites me on vacations but I don’t have time to go on them, etc.

She seems understanding at times, but I’m sure she notices.

She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Well, for starters, you could work on how much contempt you have for this friend. Just because you chose to have kids and a full-time job and spend time with your extended family doesn't make you a better person than she is. And if you want to protest that you don't think that, you do, it's clear from your post.

Your "feeling bad" that you don't call them back or travel with them is coming across as fake pity and it's gross. What exactly do you think your friend notices? That you think your life is more important and fulfilling than hers? I'm sure she does notice, since I noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle?

Ex, I have a few old friends who have very little family. One is an only child, not close with extended family, and she works only part time (very PT). She is now married, but no kids. She is close with one of her parents but doesn’t see her often.

I work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.

I feel bad that I don’t call her back right away, she invites me on vacations but I don’t have time to go on them, etc.

She seems understanding at times, but I’m sure she notices.

She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Well, for starters, you could work on how much contempt you have for this friend. Just because you chose to have kids and a full-time job and spend time with your extended family doesn't make you a better person than she is. And if you want to protest that you don't think that, you do, it's clear from your post.

Your "feeling bad" that you don't call them back or travel with them is coming across as fake pity and it's gross. What exactly do you think your friend notices? That you think your life is more important and fulfilling than hers? I'm sure she does notice, since I noticed.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle?

Ex, I have a few old friends who have very little family. One is an only child, not close with extended family, and she works only part time (very PT). She is now married, but no kids. She is close with one of her parents but doesn’t see her often.

I work FT at a demanding job, am primary breadwinner of my family of 4, and have extended family in and out. I’m just busy pretty much every single day with some obligation or another (usually many of them) and so so tired much of the time.

I feel bad that I don’t call her back right away, she invites me on vacations but I don’t have time to go on them, etc.

She seems understanding at times, but I’m sure she notices.

She’s a wonderful person and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Well, for starters, you could work on how much contempt you have for this friend. Just because you chose to have kids and a full-time job and spend time with your extended family doesn't make you a better person than she is. And if you want to protest that you don't think that, you do, it's clear from your post.

Your "feeling bad" that you don't call them back or travel with them is coming across as fake pity and it's gross. What exactly do you think your friend notices? That you think your life is more important and fulfilling than hers? I'm sure she does notice, since I noticed.

I agree with this.

This was my reaction to the OP as well.

Your friend is well aware that you think you’re better than she is. If random strangers gathered that from one post, she’s known it for years.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t think this came across as contempt for your friend. It sounds like she has a different lifestyle than you have.
My first thought is that your friend understands that you have a lot going on, and she wants to keep initiating contact, inviting you to things, and generally keeping up the friendship knowing that you aren’t going to be able to make it to most things.
A lot of people might have dropped you off the invite list, and she didn’t.

[Anonymous]

I don't have children. (Why am I on DCUM? Because it's a forum with lots of interesting discussions about plenty of things, like politics, culture, travel, work, etc.)

I know that people who are parents are very busy. Busier than I am.
I'm sure that your friend knows and understands that too. She is calling you and inviting you because she likes you. She knows that you are busy, but she wants to be in your life.
We people with no kids, we have lots of other things in our lives. You write that she is married, and that she has a part-time job. Maybe she has plenty of hobbies? Maybe she volunteers.
We are not as busy as you parents are, but we can still have commitments and active lives.

One day your children will be adults, and then you will be able to spend more time with your wonderful friend.

[Anonymous]

I am quite sure that your friend truly understands that things are a bit chaotic at this stage in your life.