Experience when divorcing school employee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are in this situation. Your ex is such a terrible person that he would advocate for the school to expel his own kids? That isn’t covert high conflict that is openly high conflict.

If you suspect he would do that I would think you would want the kids out of there and spending as little time with him as possible. I can’t imagine wanting my kids to stay because of school quality.

Why do you assume the OP to be the wife?

You're right. I should have used they.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for switching to they. Sorry to hear stats showing most aggressors in divorce are the husbands but clearly some are wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are in this situation. Your ex is such a terrible person that he would advocate for the school to expel his own kids? That isn’t covert high conflict that is openly high conflict.

If you suspect he would do that I would think you would want the kids out of there and spending as little time with him as possible. I can’t imagine wanting my kids to stay because of school quality.

There are all kinds out there, so we shouldn’t assume. This isn’t everyone but it isn’t new either. In some cases parents don’t even acknowledge kids’ serious conditions diagnosed at birth. Some parents sabotage their kids. Jealousy amongst parents in a certain portion of the population is documented. Glad it’s not you! That doesn’t mean it isn’t out there or that it’s just not “here”. Parents can’t just choose for their kids to spend as little time as possible with the other parent either. It doesn’t work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are in this situation. Your ex is such a terrible person that he would advocate for the school to expel his own kids? That isn’t covert high conflict that is openly high conflict.

If you suspect he would do that I would think you would want the kids out of there and spending as little time with him as possible. I can’t imagine wanting my kids to stay because of school quality.

There are all kinds out there, so we shouldn’t assume. This isn’t everyone but it isn’t new either. In some cases parents don’t even acknowledge kids’ serious conditions diagnosed at birth. Some parents sabotage their kids. Jealousy amongst parents in a certain portion of the population is documented. Glad it’s not you! That doesn’t mean it isn’t out there or that it’s just not “here”. Parents can’t just choose for their kids to spend as little time as possible with the other parent either. It doesn’t work that way.

I'm the PP who wrote that. I have an ex husband who has done horrible things to my kids. I get that OP's spouse could really be that awful. I don't get describing the spouse's behavior as "covert" or fighting to keep the kids in a school where such a terrible spouse has increased access to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen many a divorces in private schools and a few with one parent working for the school. I have never heard of the school getting involved in the way you described. Generally it plays out like any divorce with kids involved. Parents split time with kids and just don't engage with each other. Never heard of a school expelling kids to punish the other parent... it would go against their own interests unless that parent was so disruptive to the school on their own and the school no longer wanted to deal with that level of disruption. So maybe your scenario could happen if the other parent showed up unexpectedly and caused scenes on a regular basis, but I think they would press trespassing charges long before removing the students.

I do find it is mild common for someone getting divorced tend to lack self awareness and create extreme stories in their heads...

People getting divorced lack self awareness? Sure, in some cases. And in others maybe one person’s lack is what’s basically driving the divorce. As well as married and single people. Frankly, it seems to be common. (In these forums alone.) Maybe OP or their people have met others who have gone through something like this, making OP’s question not an example of them creating “extreme stories in their heads”. Isn’t that what victim-shamers say to distract and shift blame? Maybe you haven’t seen it. Good for you. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Private schools are for-profit and have plenty of demand in major urban areas. Maybe OP doesn’t have to be disruptive. Maybe it’s just easier to keep the employee parent and give the kid’s spot to a new applicant. It sounds like that’s what it was before the kid came along. Efficiency and all that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it like at these private schools for families when a parent divorces a school employee? Trying to prepare for the likely

I’ve recently heard wild stories and can see how mine could turn into one. Stories about school actively helping the employee/alum/donor, the other parent in the stories being ostracized by the powers that be in the school community. My sister knows a parent whose children, who were good students, were not offered contracts after the school helped the employee-parent in litigation. The parallels make that one alarming. Covertly high-conflict, wealthy, employed before kids were born, little alternative for equivalent schooling near us/at these grades

Sooooooo you need help with writing your novel?...

Ha! This! But in the event that OP is actually in this situation themselves - how divorces go are fully under the control of the two splitting parties. If you and your spouse put your kids first and act like grown ups in all matters relating to your kids, the fact that they work for the school won't matter.

It does take 2 to make things work for the kids. It only takes one to make it not work for the kids if both have custody. Not even a court can force anyone else to “act like a grown up”. Sounds like OP does or expects to share custody. I’ve read about high-conflict people having enablers. If OP’s ex/stbx benefits from a power-imbalance, it sounds like it does matter if they have the school on their side. Maybe OP should’ve asked for people with knowledge of situations with a high-conflict party or mental health expertise to reply. (Not that all the dismissive/triggered people replying anonymously would have cared)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it like at these private schools for families when a parent divorces a school employee? Trying to prepare for the likely

I’ve recently heard wild stories and can see how mine could turn into one. Stories about school actively helping the employee/alum/donor, the other parent in the stories being ostracized by the powers that be in the school community. My sister knows a parent whose children, who were good students, were not offered contracts after the school helped the employee-parent in litigation. The parallels make that one alarming. Covertly high-conflict, wealthy, employed before kids were born, little alternative for equivalent schooling near us/at these grades

Sooooooo you need help with writing your novel?...

Right - it’s sad when one person in a situation makes life for the others like a “novel”. They should at least find a way of attracting attention that helps not hurts others. Should we all be so lucky that trouble-loving people stay out of our lives. OP doesnt seem to be as lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want internet horror stories right now? You know your ex best - you can guess what he will do better than we can.

True. Although that wasn’t what OP asked about.

[Anonymous]

I can’t figure out why a school would expel their own employee’s children just because the parents are divorcing. Especially in a situation like OP describes where the school gets overly involved *on the side of the employee.* Or is the employee the type to be vindictive against their own children to “score points” against the spouse? If so, the children probably shouldn’t be attending school where that parent works anyway, for their own safety and stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it like at these private schools for families when a parent divorces a school employee? Trying to prepare for the likely

I’ve recently heard wild stories and can see how mine could turn into one. Stories about school actively helping the employee/alum/donor, the other parent in the stories being ostracized by the powers that be in the school community. My sister knows a parent whose children, who were good students, were not offered contracts after the school helped the employee-parent in litigation. The parallels make that one alarming. Covertly high-conflict, wealthy, employed before kids were born, little alternative for equivalent schooling near us/at these grades

I doubt it, boo - this is in your head. The kids will be fine wherever they end up.

They may end up fine wherever, even schools with shooter scares. Boo, can you tell us more about OP’s situation, their kids, school, stbx?

For anyone in a situation with an ex whose intention seems less about the kid’s wellbeing and more about vengeance: so sorry you and your kids are going through that. I hope someone in a position to help cares enough to help before it gets far. Lack of awareness and empathy is a reason these things are too common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Switch schools or don’t divorce. You have pretty much those options. Nothing to talk about.

Hopefully number of private schools here who wouldn’t engage like that far outweigh the number who would, or the ones closer to OP… Someone here asked why OP would want to keep their kid in a school “like that”. Maybe this was part of OP’s attempt to gauge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are in this situation. Your ex is such a terrible person that he would advocate for the school to expel his own kids? That isn’t covert high conflict that is openly high conflict.

If you suspect he would do that I would think you would want the kids out of there and spending as little time with him as possible. I can’t imagine wanting my kids to stay because of school quality.

There are all kinds out there, so we shouldn’t assume. This isn’t everyone but it isn’t new either. In some cases parents don’t even acknowledge kids’ serious conditions diagnosed at birth. Some parents sabotage their kids. Jealousy amongst parents in a certain portion of the population is documented. Glad it’s not you! That doesn’t mean it isn’t out there or that it’s just not “here”. Parents can’t just choose for their kids to spend as little time as possible with the other parent either. It doesn’t work that way.

I'm the PP who wrote that. I have an ex husband who has done horrible things to my kids. I get that OP's spouse could really be that awful. I don't get describing the spouse's behavior as "covert" or fighting to keep the kids in a school where such a terrible spouse has increased access to them.

Not everyone has several viable options. Then there’s the custody issue.
OP’s ex could decide to try to make that happen behind the scenes or at least take the risk. If OP tries to move them to another school, OP may look like the one trying to upend the kids’ lives. The choice of new school might be up to the stbx. People like the stbx use their veto to call the shots. This divorce dynamic is a documented epidemic. Sly aggressors turn life into a game of chess.

[Anonymous]

I read OP’s post to mean they were worried that the school/other parent would force the kids to leave, not force them to stay when OP wanted to move them.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the poster who said they've never seen a school get involved with children's enrollment in a divorce. I have seen a school take sides in an affair between school employees, multiple times. Kids have always been off limits in my experience.

[Anonymous]

I teach at an independent school, and have never heard of such a thing. Schools typically try to stay neutral and keep the students' best interests in mind.