Is it okay to divest from your unmotivated kid?

[Anonymous]

I get that you are frustrated. I also have a freshman. It's time for us to dig deep, not give up. We have just over 3 years left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid spends more time on youtube than on school work. Laptop is homework-only and phone has parental controls, but he still manages to log hours on youtube daily and is not motivated to do anything without 10000 reminders and negative consequences.

I am beginning to think I would rather prioritize increasing my own retirement savings over useless lessons for things he asked for and then does not practice, or fights over practicing. This includes sports and music. I am done taking him out for restaurant dinners. Contemplating telling him to get a summer job instead of paying for sleepaway camp. I am not even sure I will pay for the "best college he gest into" if that means paying top dollar for a third or fourth rate private school. He can go to our very medium state school if he won't buckle down and show some initiative with the opportunities given to him.

What are his challenges? Does he have a 504 or IEP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that you are frustrated. I also have a freshman. It's time for us to dig deep, not give up. We have just over 3 years left.

IME, with children with SN, we are not done at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely have him get a job if he’s old enough. My kids have benefited so much from having real jobs where they earn money, are treated like adults (and are expected to act like adults), and are accountable to someone who isn’t their parent.

As for the rest, I definitely would not fully give up on your kid, but if he’s not putting in the effort I also would not be shelling out for the fanciest extracurriculars. I think it’s fine to pull back of what you do for him, but would still talk to him often about what he wants to do with his life and let him know you’re there to support it when he’s ready to put in the effort.

This, mine love working summers.

[Anonymous]

I'd be worried about their ability to get a job and invest for him instead. Invest for him, not into him.

[Anonymous]

OP nobody is twisting your arm to send your kid to a third rate private college. Pay for whatever you can pay for. But if you stop the sports and music, your kid's screen time will increase. Screen addiction is real for many SN kids. It doesn't solve itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP nobody is twisting your arm to send your kid to a third rate private college. Pay for whatever you can pay for. But if you stop the sports and music, your kid's screen time will increase. Screen addiction is real for many SN kids. It doesn't solve itself.

+1 My kid would happily spend his whole day on Youtube, but we have some pretty strict parental controls he hasn't found his way around (yet). There's timers for most websites where it automatically shuts down when it reaches 30 minutes on weekdays, plus screentime controls more generally.

We also have a whitelist on our home router for sites that are allowed in our house. It's a pretty short list. We don't want our kids getting into websites we don't approve of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely have him get a job if he’s old enough. My kids have benefited so much from having real jobs where they earn money, are treated like adults (and are expected to act like adults), and are accountable to someone who isn’t their parent.

As for the rest, I definitely would not fully give up on your kid, but if he’s not putting in the effort I also would not be shelling out for the fanciest extracurriculars. I think it’s fine to pull back of what you do for him, but would still talk to him often about what he wants to do with his life and let him know you’re there to support it when he’s ready to put in the effort.

This, mine love working summers.

I agree, but OP has a 15 year old 9th grader. Jobs aren't plentiful in most places in the DMV these days.

[Anonymous]

You can definitely drop extra curricular- especially if your kid isn’t into them enough to practice or participate without nagging. But make sure he feel part of the family. Making inclusion in dinners out contingent on his achievements sounds so incredibly manipulative and toxic.

If you haven’t done parent training for a neurodivergent kid, you might consider getting a therapist or coach to help you navigate.

[Anonymous]

my 16 year old has broken into every screen time app, etc, (suggestions welcome!) so we have little control over the internet--we have taken it away entirely but that has also backfired--he needs it for school and he has so few friends as it is that it does keep him connected to a few of them.

His grades are terrible because he fails to turn things in. We have been doing this for years--therapy, classes, homework checks, etc, but he has had signfiicant mental health challenges and our currenet therapist advised that we need to pick our battles--push too hard and he totall shuts down or gets destructive (usually his own things). We have so far avoided more intensive therapy but there are times I think we are closer to that than we are to 'normal.'

So my kid will not go to a great or even good college. I suspect he will need a gap year, and maybe community college. Its too bad, because he is incredibly curious and bright, but unable to bring that to bear in a consistent manner. He has become interested in welding, so maybe he will end up in the trades

I am not "divesting" from him, but we have stepped back on a lot of the pressure. We have rules, and provide support, but at a certain point it has to click for him, he is old enough to make his own choices and there's a lot we cannot control at this point.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it makes more sense to step back than to continuously lavish therapies on kids when there is very little uptake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely have him get a job if he’s old enough. My kids have benefited so much from having real jobs where they earn money, are treated like adults (and are expected to act like adults), and are accountable to someone who isn’t their parent.

As for the rest, I definitely would not fully give up on your kid, but if he’s not putting in the effort I also would not be shelling out for the fanciest extracurriculars. I think it’s fine to pull back of what you do for him, but would still talk to him often about what he wants to do with his life and let him know you’re there to support it when he’s ready to put in the effort.

This, mine love working summers.

I agree, but OP has a 15 year old 9th grader. Jobs aren't plentiful in most places in the DMV these days.

A 15 year old can take the lifeguard training certification and work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it makes more sense to step back than to continuously lavish therapies on kids when there is very little uptake.

This is where I'm at with my 14-year-old. I'm so burnt out on keeping up with his therapies and school load. I have always cared too much, while he doesn't care at all. But at the end of the day, I can't give up. I feel like I have to give it 100% until at least high school graduation. His failure feels like my failure. College is going to be interesting. I have to believe he’ll find his way at that point. I need hope!

[Anonymous]

Your post makes me sad, OP, because it reads like you see your kid as an investment rather than someone to love and love spending time with. I get feeling burned out by your kid’s lack of motivation. I’m hoping there’s some good stuff, too, that you enjoy doing together or that you enjoy hearing about from him. If you act like he’s a disappointing investment, he’s not going to try to prove you wrong.

[Anonymous]

Goes to show you can't be a good parent if you haven't worked on yourself first