Is it okay to divest from your unmotivated kid?

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe this is the start of you divesting from your own expectations about your kid, which apparently don’t quite match the kid you have.

If you can meet this moment with curiosity instead of judgment, this is actually where the good part starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it makes more sense to step back than to continuously lavish therapies on kids when there is very little uptake.

if there is forward progress try to keep at it. Small steps add up over time. Our children are not on the same timeline as non SN children.

[Anonymous]

This stuff is so so hard and OP, I sympathize with you. We’ve had a huge family fight today with my DH basically saying what you just said — DD doesn’t care, isn’t motivated, isn’t grateful and is disrespectful and he is done with giving her stuff (money, rides, etc), if she isn’t even going to try. She has to be reminded 100 times to do things we’ve been reminding her to do since she was small, like pick up her room, clean the toothpaste out of the sink, etc. if we nag her, she’ll do it but good grief, it’s exhausting.

He said it’s three more years. I’m not ready to throw my hands up and walk away from her. But she is stubborn and I am reaching my wit’s end and not sure what else to try. I feel this post so much.

Also a hs freshman.

[Anonymous]

They’re just incredibly self-centered at this age. I remember being that way to a degree when I was a kid but nothing like how my DD treats DH and I.

[Anonymous]

I have a very similar sentiment about my kid.
I’ve curtailed the effort and I’ve come to terms with the fact that he won’t be a straight A student.
I make him do hw, I reward him for semester As and take away privileges any time he has a running C or god forbid a D (he loooves going down down down and then pulling it up to a B-), I am trying to make him cut this cr*p.

However I don’t enroll him into stuff that is expensive, only cheap or free and only if he asks. I am also not sending him to an expensive school for his supposed “passion”.

I mostly order food when it’s convenient *for me* so that’s not a factor.

He is pretty good about chores and helping around the house so I think there’s hope for him. He won’t be a brilliant professional but he’ll do fine I’m sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me sad, OP, because it reads like you see your kid as an investment rather than someone to love and love spending time with. I get feeling burned out by your kid’s lack of motivation. I’m hoping there’s some good stuff, too, that you enjoy doing together or that you enjoy hearing about from him. If you act like he’s a disappointing investment, he’s not going to try to prove you wrong.

Exactly.

Depressing!!

[Anonymous]

Parents of older kids—is this a freshman/how many kids are at 14/15? I empathize with the OP though I don’t agree with all suggested the tactics. My freshman son is stubborn and argumentative and creates a lot of family discord and it is exhausting. I can see the desire to throw in the towel—I really can, but it won’t serve him in the long run.

I’m trying to be compassionate and curious. There’s way more pressures and stresses being a teen than when we went through it and I repeat I am absolutely exhausted and it is not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid spends more time on youtube than on school work. Laptop is homework-only and phone has parental controls, but he still manages to log hours on youtube daily and is not motivated to do anything without 10000 reminders and negative consequences.

I am beginning to think I would rather prioritize increasing my own retirement savings over useless lessons for things he asked for and then does not practice, or fights over practicing. This includes sports and music. I am done taking him out for restaurant dinners. Contemplating telling him to get a summer job instead of paying for sleepaway camp. I am not even sure I will pay for the "best college he gest into" if that means paying top dollar for a third or fourth rate private school. He can go to our very medium state school if he won't buckle down and show some initiative with the opportunities given to him.

I’d agree with all of that.

What does your spouse think? Or is he the same way…?…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you are frustrated. I also have a freshman. It's time for us to dig deep, not give up. We have just over 3 years left.

IME, with children with SN, we are not done at 18.

Yeah, one of my 20 year olds continues to do great academically, but I think I have many more years of handholding the adulting tasks and interpreting social stuff. Empty nest, head full of someone else’s appointments and legal docs.

[Anonymous]

I have a freshman boy with ADHD, so I really resonate with the post, but I keep looking out to the future and think, I have to get this kid on a good path, or he is going to be like one of the adult kids I read about on here, who mooch off of their enabling parents throughout their twenties. I will keep nagging and pushing them at least until he leaves for college, and he knows that while we intend to 100% suppport the cost of at least his undergrad, the buck stops there. I don't know how else to motivate him other than to set the expectation that he will not be able to live with us or expect any financial assistance after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a freshman boy with ADHD, so I really resonate with the post, but I keep looking out to the future and think, I have to get this kid on a good path, or he is going to be like one of the adult kids I read about on here, who mooch off of their enabling parents throughout their twenties. I will keep nagging and pushing them at least until he leaves for college, and he knows that while we intend to 100% suppport the cost of at least his undergrad, the buck stops there. I don't know how else to motivate him other than to set the expectation that he will not be able to live with us or expect any financial assistance after school.

I was one of the previous freshman kid posters. I think this is what’s so hard is that you know that the time we have of influence is diminishing and there is so much needs still! And they’re just really difficult because of hormones and ADHD etc. etc. it’s such a struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goes to show you can't be a good parent if you haven't worked on yourself first

Thant's not what this shows. At all. You have no idea what or how much work OP has done. For all you know, this is the outcome of that work. Plenty of people are pathologically over-invested in helicoptering to the detriment of their children.

[Anonymous]

Now that my kid is a high school senior, I wish I had done more. I have regrets. Of course this is only in hindsight. At the time I did what I was capable of and spent plenty of money. But now that his part of life is ending, I wish I could back. If only so, she felt I did everything I could have. I worry she’s going to realize I let her get away with a lot because she actively worked against me or because I thought her mental health would be negatively affected by scheduling more.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not alone in your feelings. It is natural, and I think high school is a time where lots of parents are burnt out and reflective about the special needs journey. You have been doing this a long time! Look at expenses, therapies, etc. with a critical eye (not just $$ but your time expense). There are plenty of things that may still be good to continue. Wishing you the best today. It is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This stuff is so so hard and OP, I sympathize with you. We’ve had a huge family fight today with my DH basically saying what you just said — DD doesn’t care, isn’t motivated, isn’t grateful and is disrespectful and he is done with giving her stuff (money, rides, etc), if she isn’t even going to try. She has to be reminded 100 times to do things we’ve been reminding her to do since she was small, like pick up her room, clean the toothpaste out of the sink, etc. if we nag her, she’ll do it but good grief, it’s exhausting.

He said it’s three more years. I’m not ready to throw my hands up and walk away from her. But she is stubborn and I am reaching my wit’s end and not sure what else to try. I feel this post so much.

Also a hs freshman.

Only give rides to activities and school. Stop the spending money. Ground her.