Is it okay to divest from your unmotivated kid?
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Anonymous
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Kid spends more time on youtube than on school work. Laptop is homework-only and phone has parental controls, but he still manages to log hours on youtube daily and is not motivated to do anything without 10000 reminders and negative consequences.
I am beginning to think I would rather prioritize increasing my own retirement savings over useless lessons for things he asked for and then does not practice, or fights over practicing. This includes sports and music. I am done taking him out for restaurant dinners. Contemplating telling him to get a summer job instead of paying for sleepaway camp. I am not even sure I will pay for the "best college he gest into" if that means paying top dollar for a third or fourth rate private school. He can go to our very medium state school if he won't buckle down and show some initiative with the opportunities given to him. |
Anonymous
| Curious as to why this is in SN forum. |
Anonymous
+1 also the “gosh he spends so much time on YouTube” like you’re not the parent. |
Anonymous
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My kid with severe ADHD and learning disabilities had an enormous problem with distractions. I literally had to sit with him at the dinner table and look over his laptop every 5 minutes to tell him to work instead of looking at YouTube. YouTube was not disabled because some of his classes used it. He was as medicated as he could be for his ADHD. Now he's at a very expensive university, because even though he got into our state flagship, his does not exist at the state U and his private uni specializes in that major, so we bit the bullet and let him attend. You are correct that you need to strategize and prioritize, but in a way that still maximizes his chances of admission and success. Not all activities will count in the apps, for example. Colleges want to see dedication and commitment, but they might not be sensitive to the nitty-gritty of which youth orchestra is better than another, or which sports club is more elite. So it's not worth your while commuting further or paying more for the "better" one. What matters is that he needs to keep doing the same sport and the same instrument for years, to show depth instead of flitting about like a butterfly. He only needs to practice so as not to get cut from his music thing. Same for practice - the minimum to stay on the team. Same for language at school - it's a plus to keep studying the same language until graduation. Do not stop doing any of that! A summer job is great on a college app, especially if he can write about it a college essay. It will show real world experience and is arguably better than a summer camp experience, unless the summer camp is going to further explore a field he wants to major in and thus show his passion (but not if it's a music camp and he already does music during the year and has no plans to go to a conservatory, for instance). There is no need to take him to restaurants or give him extra stuff, unless he goes above and beyond and they act as incentive. Of course you should stick to affordable college options, OP. That isn't a punitive action, it's reasonable. I don't know if we made the right decision for our kid. If yours wants to major in something that your state flagship does pretty well, by all means, push him to go there. |
Anonymous
| Drop a few things but don't reject the person. |
Anonymous
+1 How old is he? |
Anonymous
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I would definitely have him get a job if he’s old enough. My kids have benefited so much from having real jobs where they earn money, are treated like adults (and are expected to act like adults), and are accountable to someone who isn’t their parent.
As for the rest, I definitely would not fully give up on your kid, but if he’s not putting in the effort I also would not be shelling out for the fanciest extracurriculars. I think it’s fine to pull back of what you do for him, but would still talk to him often about what he wants to do with his life and let him know you’re there to support it when he’s ready to put in the effort. |
Anonymous
| What does eating at a restaurant have to do with YouTube? |
Anonymous
15 year old 9th grader |
Anonymous
Me again. Also, why do you treat a job like a punishment? |
Anonymous
Op. Restaurant dinners are a privilege not a right. He isn’t doing anything to warrant a privilege. |
Anonymous
| I do agree that if they don't apply themselves, there is no point in paying for music lessons. Sports is different as long as you know they are doing it for enjoyment, not to get into college. |
Anonymous
| How has he been accessing YouTube without your permission? Take the devices and WiFi away. You know, parent. |
Anonymous
+1 And why is not paying for the "most expensive university your kid gets into" seen as punishment rather than rationale? Unless you have Jeff Bezos money, most parents make calculations about what they can afford given their retirement, and what is rationale given the potential ROI from the kid. Plus your kid can always get student loans too--it's not all on you. |
Anonymous
For us restaurants are a convenience when we don't feel like cooking. You don't owe your kid eating out, but it would be cruel to eat out a lot and consistently leave him at home. You may hate to hear this, but the addiction is equally your fault. We are dealing with this to some extent, but I don't think your approach will be successful. |