What plans to make for 100% codependent mom

[Anonymous]

Don't wait for a crisis. Put her in senior living that can adjust to assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern

A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't wait for a crisis. Put her in senior living that can adjust to assisted living.

I wouldn’t do that if she can live by herself and prefers to, it’s cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern

A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

No. A care manager and a companion are completely different functions requiring different skill sets. A companion can schedule hair salon and things like that, they don’t oversee medical care management. They can accompany to medical appointments and can and should have a good working relationship with a care manager, but those are separate positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern

A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

No. A care manager and a companion are completely different functions requiring different skill sets. A companion can schedule hair salon and things like that, they don’t oversee medical care management. They can accompany to medical appointments and can and should have a good working relationship with a care manager, but those are separate positions.

I am sorry but this is so American, to have an expensive “expert” for everything! How do we all manage our own medical care without a certification?! All it takes for an elderly person is for someone to take them to the dr and memorize what was said. That’s what I do for my own father.
This is “overseeing medical care management”.
I mean it’s your money or future inheritance, you have a right to spend it on “experts” but this is so unnecessary.
Ask anyone in any diaspora what they think about it. Heck, ask most Americans!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern

A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

No. A care manager and a companion are completely different functions requiring different skill sets. A companion can schedule hair salon and things like that, they don’t oversee medical care management. They can accompany to medical appointments and can and should have a good working relationship with a care manager, but those are separate positions.

I am sorry but this is so American, to have an expensive “expert” for everything! How do we all manage our own medical care without a certification?! All it takes for an elderly person is for someone to take them to the dr and memorize what was said. That’s what I do for my own father.
This is “overseeing medical care management”.
I mean it’s your money or future inheritance, you have a right to spend it on “experts” but this is so unnecessary.
Ask anyone in any diaspora what they think about it. Heck, ask most Americans!

I think it really depends on what the medical issues are. My mom is 88, still lives alone and is still able to manage her complicated medical care, which involves a rare disease that is not age-related along with a heart issue that probably stems from a childhood illness but wasn't diagnosed until way into adulthood plus the age-related stuff. My mom is also a retired nurse. She is probably an outlier, but even her doctors have said her care is more than just memorizing what they say as she has to keep track of how all the pieces fit together. Could I keep track of it myself? Sure, I probably could if I needed to. Could my husband, even though he works in healthcare? Maybe, maybe not. He and his brother are helping their mother navigate a new serious medical diagnosis, and they're doing OK, but it's one diagnosis that runs in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - she would never move into senior community. Is complete introvert. Best I could probably do is arrange for live in carer to be her friend

I wouldn't give her a choice. You say, this is the thing I'm willing to help you with (ie find and move into a senior living community). If she doesn't went to, she can arrange her own help at home, or she will go when there's an emergency and she won't have a say in the matter. I doubt you have time to manage at-home care (it's not like a one-and-done thing) so you should only offer what you have the the capacity (and desire) to deal with. This isn't a knock on you, btw- this is exactly what I plan to do with my own difficult parent eventually.

[Anonymous]

It sounds great for mom to stay isolated at home until a crisis. Then, hey you're in the hospital, with maybe a roommate and everyone is in your business at all hours. Do you want that? I didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern

A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

No. A care manager and a companion are completely different functions requiring different skill sets. A companion can schedule hair salon and things like that, they don’t oversee medical care management. They can accompany to medical appointments and can and should have a good working relationship with a care manager, but those are separate positions.

I am sorry but this is so American, to have an expensive “expert” for everything! How do we all manage our own medical care without a certification?! All it takes for an elderly person is for someone to take them to the dr and memorize what was said. That’s what I do for my own father.
This is “overseeing medical care management”.
I mean it’s your money or future inheritance, you have a right to spend it on “experts” but this is so unnecessary.
Ask anyone in any diaspora what they think about it. Heck, ask most Americans!

some care is a whole lot more complicated than this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - she would never move into senior community. Is complete introvert. Best I could probably do is arrange for live in carer to be her friend

I wouldn't give her a choice. You say, this is the thing I'm willing to help you with (ie find and move into a senior living community). If she doesn't went to, she can arrange her own help at home, or she will go when there's an emergency and she won't have a say in the matter. I doubt you have time to manage at-home care (it's not like a one-and-done thing) so you should only offer what you have the the capacity (and desire) to deal with. This isn't a knock on you, btw- this is exactly what I plan to do with my own difficult parent eventually.

this is what we did with inlaws. said you can do x and we will be in a position to help with that. or if you do y (stay in home out of state) we will not be in a position to come to medical appoinbtments, be with you in hospital, drive you, find care, etc. They chose to stay in home out of state. They are figuring it out. It's hard to watch at times but we remind ourselves they did make their choice and they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern

A care manager doesn’t have to be a certified one. Hire her a friend, give an ultimatum that this is her contact person for all her requests. Ask the person to suggest activities. Pay the person well but keep an eye on them so that there’s no scamming or anything like that.
Ideally this person will later coordinate care. Use mother’s money to hire the person.

No. A care manager and a companion are completely different functions requiring different skill sets. A companion can schedule hair salon and things like that, they don’t oversee medical care management. They can accompany to medical appointments and can and should have a good working relationship with a care manager, but those are separate positions.

I am sorry but this is so American, to have an expensive “expert” for everything! How do we all manage our own medical care without a certification?! All it takes for an elderly person is for someone to take them to the dr and memorize what was said. That’s what I do for my own father.
This is “overseeing medical care management”.
I mean it’s your money or future inheritance, you have a right to spend it on “experts” but this is so unnecessary.
Ask anyone in any diaspora what they think about it. Heck, ask most Americans!

I’m not American (well, not primarily) and I don’t know where you are from, but the elderly lady in question is in the US and soon to move to NYC. She will have multiple doctors, specialists, probably PT and OT. It takes very involved children/family or a care manager to oversee things in the US. It is not a matter of memorizing. OP doesn’t have the ability to do this so it needs to be outsourced. Fortunately, it sounds like they have the resources to provide high quality care to an elder who is aging and has mental health challenges. It’s silly to tell OP to just do what people do in country X with a completely different system. I don’t think you should speak for “any diaspora” either.

[Anonymous]

If you are on very good terms with your parents I’d do the following:

1) power of attorney/medical care in your name ASAP
2) transfer or add joint ownership on everything now (car titles, names on accounts, bills, real estate, everything)
3) start building a plan with your mom now. Where does she want to live (her house may not be the best an apartment/assisted living/senior community or smaller house would be easier)
4) if possible have them relocate before your father dies
5) bring in help now - in home care aid established before the need arises is less scary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are on very good terms with your parents I’d do the following:

1) power of attorney/medical care in your name ASAP
2) transfer or add joint ownership on everything now (car titles, names on accounts, bills, real estate, everything)
3) start building a plan with your mom now. Where does she want to live (her house may not be the best an apartment/assisted living/senior community or smaller house would be easier)
4) if possible have them relocate before your father dies
5) bring in help now - in home care aid established before the need arises is less scary

I’m in a similar situation to OP and I’ve been trying to knock out this list.
1. Medical POA they did without any pressure
2. They want me to have absolutely no part of their finances. My mom privately told me that she’s going to have her sisters husband take it over but my dad would lose his mind if he knew this. They think of bill paying as men’s work and they don’t seem to trust my husband.
3. Her plan is to live with me. This was ok when I figured it would happen in 15 years when we are empty nesters but it looks like it’s happening a lot sooner and my kids are still young. I had my last kid at 31 so it’s not like I started too late!
4 doesn’t apply
5. They both absolutely refuse to have a stranger help with anything. It’s all on me. I have a sister overseas and they want me to delegate some stuff to her/“make” her come home more often to help. She also has little kids and is a 12 hour flight away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - she would never move into senior community. Is complete introvert. Best I could probably do is arrange for live in carer to be her friend

I wouldn't give her a choice. You say, this is the thing I'm willing to help you with (ie find and move into a senior living community). If she doesn't went to, she can arrange her own help at home, or she will go when there's an emergency and she won't have a say in the matter. I doubt you have time to manage at-home care (it's not like a one-and-done thing) so you should only offer what you have the the capacity (and desire) to deal with. This isn't a knock on you, btw- this is exactly what I plan to do with my own difficult parent eventually.

NP. She'll just say no and OP will be back at square one. My mother was like this. We found a part-time companion through Nextdoor who would take her on errands and appointments and help with household tasks. It became full-time as my mother's abilities declined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are on very good terms with your parents I’d do the following:

1) power of attorney/medical care in your name ASAP
2) transfer or add joint ownership on everything now (car titles, names on accounts, bills, real estate, everything)
3) start building a plan with your mom now. Where does she want to live (her house may not be the best an apartment/assisted living/senior community or smaller house would be easier)
4) if possible have them relocate before your father dies
5) bring in help now - in home care aid established before the need arises is less scary

I’m in a similar situation to OP and I’ve been trying to knock out this list.
1. Medical POA they did without any pressure
2. They want me to have absolutely no part of their finances. My mom privately told me that she’s going to have her sisters husband take it over but my dad would lose his mind if he knew this. They think of bill paying as men’s work and they don’t seem to trust my husband.
3. Her plan is to live with me. This was ok when I figured it would happen in 15 years when we are empty nesters but it looks like it’s happening a lot sooner and my kids are still young. I had my last kid at 31 so it’s not like I started too late!
4 doesn’t apply
5. They both absolutely refuse to have a stranger help with anything. It’s all on me. I have a sister overseas and they want me to delegate some stuff to her/“make” her come home more often to help. She also has little kids and is a 12 hour flight away.

You can say no.