What plans to make for 100% codependent mom
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Anonymous
| My parents are in their 80s. It's likely that my dad will pass away before my mother. My mother is very much codependent on my dad, has virtually no friends, and has extreme anxiety, OCD and has been hospitalized over the years for multiple issues and complaints. I am the breadwinner and have a 12 hour a day job in tech, plus a 10 and 12 yo so there is no way i can be any kind of replacement for my dad, and also desperately need space on at least some weekends to recharge. The good news is that parents have considerable savings. What should I plan for in this scenario? Super anxious about adding a lot of additional responsibility as I genuinely think I might break. |
Anonymous
|
Find an apartment-based senior living community with activities she is interested in.
Maybe try to find one within walking distance of a town center. And senior center. If communal meals are provided make sure the facility accommodates any medical/dietary needs. The lower the cost, the less they tailor. |
Anonymous
| I agree with pp that you find a place, make a tentative plan, and then stop the anxiety. You don't know what will happen. BTDT. |
Anonymous
| Op - she would never move into senior community. Is complete introvert. Best I could probably do is arrange for live in carer to be her friend |
Anonymous
She can still in a senior center as an introvert. |
Anonymous
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The benefit to the senior community is that their world doesn't shrink to nothing. They have to join others for meals at a minimum, amd there are usually many activities every day that they can choose to partake in, or not.
If you bring in caregivers, they never see anyone other than the caregiver and never see anything other than the walls of their home. Plus, their are usually doctirs/nurses on staff who can prescribe and treat the anxiety |
Anonymous
| You don't plan anything. You are busy and important. She will figure it out. |
Anonymous
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Different PP. what about elderly MIL who refuses to plan? Wants to be cared for in her bedroom by in home caregiver “when she gets sick.” Brother in law lives with her but has busy job with commute. She is still capable of taking care of herself but doesn’t want to plan ahead.
Senior center (lovely by the way) is half mile from her home but she refuses to go because she and her husband agreed they weren’t going to do that 20+ years ago. |
Anonymous
What's there to plan? Let her stay in her house and as long as she's capable make decisions. |
Anonymous
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Following this. Very similar situation plus my parents have gone down the right wing conspiracy theory rabbit hole so deep that we can't share nice things with them without them turning everything into an accusation (for example, to my mom, Europe is a dangerous place and we shouldn't be taking our kids there this summer because of all the Muslims who want to destroy Christianity, I'm not kidding).
Both of my parents are ill, probably depressed on some level, angry at dead people, angry at their kids, anxious about things they see on TV (thank you, FOX) or read on ultra-right "news" websites ... but they need my help. We live a plane ride away, and I'm going to have to step in and start insisting they need to consider assisted living as they have the money for a nice place with activities. |
Anonymous
| A very nice senior living place/assisted living .. whatever level she needs. She will appreciate the socialization |
Anonymous
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I think you have two priorities now. One is financial. You say they have "considerable savings," which doesn't really give an idea (and of course it's fine if you don't want to tell DCUM more about that. You need to talk to a CELA certified lawyer and work with a CSP or RICP (financial advisors). You want to plan for how to maximize assets and really understand what you have to work with, what choices you might need to make, and how to preserve options for the future.
The second part is how will you manage mom's care. In your situation, a care manager might be the best solution if you can afford it. Everyone jumps to assisted living but that isn't always the best choice and it still leaves you with lots of very active management. It sounds like your ideal situation would meet her needs and allow you to focus more on spending time that you can with her rather than coping with care. These plans are always more fluid because you don't know what's going to happen. It may be best for mom to stay in familiar surroundings if you can afford the care. You will want to have a good understanding of the resources around you before something goes wrong (which it almost certainly will, no matter where she is, because that is just normal). It's good that you are starting to plan now rather than waiting for a crisis. |
Anonymous
| Op - thanks for the above. And yes she will refuse assisted living or any kind of group home. Likely going to buy apt in nyc near us shortly. Care manager is good idea. But it’s mainly how to provide company for a person who refuses to make friends and refuses to move into care facility, when the time comes. I cannot be the answer to that is my concern |
Anonymous
Paid companions are still a thing, so even if you’re mom doesn’t need physical care, a companion can provide stability and support. |
Anonymous
| She doesn't need to be an extrovert to move into a senior apartment. It could be just her with a caretaker stopping by. She may decide to participate in an activity eventually. |