Can’t stand my ex-husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I totally understand. But we’ve been divorced about 13 years and I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that he hates me and also thinks the worst of me. We are just about done having kids under the age of 18 so I won’t have to talk to him too much longer.

Wow, 13 years is a long time to hold onto resentment for.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I am sorry. Over time I have managed to create a more positive relationship with my ex by trying to be friendlier in person and being very non reactive when he reverts to being a d*ck. Our kid has had some issues so there have been times where I have had to sincerely ask my ex for help and expressed my emotions to him, and I think that has helped us function more as a team.

As weird as it seems, you can try some of the stuff recommended for relationships even now that you are divorced - positive reinforcement, expressing gratitude, showing vulnerability, resisting labeling. I find that I am actually much more able to do this now (since the stakes are lower) that when we were together. if he reverts to being a jerk - oh well, so sad, I get to go home to my own house where I blissfully do not have to deal with him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He doesn’t like you. Absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Increase the space between yourself and him.
When you do have to interact - keep it classy. If he attempts to go low. End the convo and stop engaging.

This

Without any actual examples hard to tell what the issue is today. He just can’t move on, someone is dropping the ball, he has mental disorders. Whatever. Just be civil, succinct and kind. Try to use court ordered apps to text and communicate, not phone calls unless someone really messed up or there’s an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vent post. My ex-husband makes me sick. He is just not a nice person. I often wonder how I was ever in love with him. I dunno that person is gone forever.

We have two kids and I try to co-parent respectfully with bare minimum text communication. Every blue moon we have to talk on the phone or in person and frequently it just goes to a nasty place on his part. He always assumes the worst about me. I just don’t get it. I see us as parents on the same team. Nobody will love our kids like we do.

That’s all. it’s sad. I hate my kids don’t get to have parents who can be in the same room.

What does this mean exactly?

What is he assuming about you and what topic?

My ex is so out of it kid-wise he rarely has anything to talk about or ask about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I totally understand. But we’ve been divorced about 13 years and I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that he hates me and also thinks the worst of me. We are just about done having kids under the age of 18 so I won’t have to talk to him too much longer.

Mine hates me but still makes me do everything and make every tough decision alone, so I guess I can’t be that bad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File for 100% custody. Do it now while your kids are young.

Can their word or request stand for anything for custody? At what age? What state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear your vent Op. I’m still mid-divorce and go through similar questions of what I did to make my STBX express such hatred towards me.

He’s always been able to put on a normal face for outsiders while behaving very differently at home. All I can assume is that I’m the only person who’s ever known him well enough to really know him, and it terrifies him to know that someone knows the truth. Maybe yours is similar?

I saw something that I remember frequently when I question why he would treat our children badly or me badly in front of them: he hates me more than he loves them. I love my children more than anything so it’s hard to wrap my mind around that.

Same same same. Perfect description of what I have dealt with since the day he moved out to live with his AP. You would think that since he gets to be with his soulmate he would have moved beyond the hatred but if anything it has only intensified. He is consumed by his hatred of me. It's baffling and it's annoying. I actually don't take it personally. Hatred that deep rarely has to do with the other person. I don't need him to like me. For our kids' sake, though, I wish he could dial back the hatred.

[Anonymous]

Mine is still with ap and even 5 years later… expresses contempt and hatred and regularly puts me down. It’s really sickening. What’s this all about?

[Anonymous]

It’s self-hatred and a deep shame that they are protecting themselves from by projecting it all on you. They hate themselves, but that’s not survivable; hating you keeps them intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File for 100% custody. Do it now while your kids are young.

Why would you suggest this? Don’t they have an app where disagreeable parents can be managed? He isn’t mean to the children she hadn’t said that at least

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess he has resentment toward you, perhaps due to child support or alimony or taking a % of "his" assets, setting him back.

Not that this is rational, but money can make people crazy.

Do you work? Have you moved on and he hasn't? Or, back to the money, if he has moved on he could be limited due to what he has to pay.

Again, not an excuse, but if YOU want it to be better for your kids, if you can wrap your head around the WHY he acts this way you might be able to better ignore his behavior. I'm sure your kids sense your aggravation.

OP here. This is probably a part of it. I work and have a good job. We both have moved romantically. Our marriage ended 5 years ago, but his hatred lingers. I feel like he just hates that I exist and that he can’t completely walk away from me because we have kids. For me it’s a counterproductive way to view things. I can’t take back that he is their dad, so I deal with it and stay nice.

The kids don’t know I’m aggravated. it used to show when we first split but now I don’t let them see any whiff of it.

PP here. OP, you sound level headed in a way that he is not. His resentment of his former life and obligations to his first family is probably poisoning him. I hope he is a good father at the very least. And good for you that you keep it to yourself. In fact, I wonder if your "high road" dealing with him makes him hate you even more. I wonder if he is actually unhappy in his "new" life and hates to see you seeming like life is good. Whatever the case, people's psychology is next to impossible to change. Good luck!

This is most likely what’s bothering him

[Anonymous]

Is this really how it goes in acrimonious divorces this frequently? One person is perfectly mature, reasonable, above it all and the other person is nasty, hateful, and actively contemptuous for no reason other than they’re a horrible human being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess he has resentment toward you, perhaps due to child support or alimony or taking a % of "his" assets, setting him back.

And if she's the one who blew up the family, that resentment is 10000% justified.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. When ex cheated, broke up our family, caused grief and financial losses for our family, destabilized our kids … I was hurt and upset. I was not able to be perfectly mature and reasonable during our custody battle, selling our marital home, fighting over assets.

With time, I got better and the grief dissipated.

But, ex has and continues to lash out at me because while he cheated and broke up our family, he feels I should have been kind and cooperative since day 1. Now that I’m getting better, he feels I’m untrustworthy because our divorce was ugly when it first ensued. He remains adversarial out of guilt and projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess he has resentment toward you, perhaps due to child support or alimony or taking a % of "his" assets, setting him back.

Not that this is rational, but money can make people crazy.

Do you work? Have you moved on and he hasn't? Or, back to the money, if he has moved on he could be limited due to what he has to pay.

Again, not an excuse, but if YOU want it to be better for your kids, if you can wrap your head around the WHY he acts this way you might be able to better ignore his behavior. I'm sure your kids sense your aggravation.

Or she cheated